TOP THINGS OVER HEARD AT CHRISTMAS

As the end of the year goes comes I thought I would get into the spirit by counting down the top funny things uttered during my trip home to see my Mom.

10. "Baby, why won't your vagina let you put the cup in the cup holder?" Me to my girlfriend as she was trying to drive and put her drink back in the drink holder. I eventually became the designated cup in the cup holder person.

9. "The computer hates me." My sister's explanation for her score after Wii Bowling.

8. "So the thing that bothers you about this movie, is that the aircraft carrier about to smash the White House, is not to scale?" Me, while discussing with my sister, something she felt was unbelievable about the movie 2012.

7. "What time are we leaving?" "Around 7." "Seriously?" My sister and I in discussing how soon we would leave out from our hotel room in Strongsville Ohio.

6. "Wii Bowl?" My parents got a Wii recently, so there was a lot of Wii Bowling happening.

5. "I'm sorry I gave her a ring instead of a Wii". I proposed to my girlfriend over Christmas, before we went to my Mom's and before I saw have much she loved playing Wii.

4. "53 - 32" My Stepdad pronouncing his age, followed by the size of his jeans. All thanks to his "Assman" diet.

3. "About nine hours..." This seemed to be said every time on the drive there, when we "figured" out how much longer we had left.

2. "OK, so we are all farting in the car now, right?" My baby sister announcing to the car, and then rapidly figuring out that, nope, she was the only one.

1. "Oh, just go get a vibrator" My mother to my baby sister after her phone kept going off. She mean to say "put it on vibrate", but that is not what she said. Needless to say she will never hear the end of it.

Ah family and the holidays...

I love those guys.

Jason

When I Worked In A Pawn Shop...

Most conversations I have start with "Have you seen ____________?" (The blank is normally filled in with the latest TV / Movie / You Tube Video.) One I am getting a lot lately is "Have you seen Pawn Stars on the History Channel?" The answer is "Yes". But why am I getting this? Well you have 3 choices:

a.) Cause I enjoy any show on the History Channel NOT about World War 2?
b.) I needed something to fill the void of Jon and Kate Plus 8
c.) I used to work in a Pawn Shop.

If you answered "C", you would be correct.

In college I worked at a Pawn Shop. A "classy” one. The Wal-Mart of Pawn Shops. And in working there I walked away with 2 things: 1.) the ability to insult people's jewelry with its pawn shop value and 2.) A myriad of stories about "The Dirties" or as my Manager used to call them, "Our Customers."

My favorite "Dirty" story had to do with a guy who came in with his six year old son and his six year old son's bike. He needed 10 bucks so that they could have some food. I gave him the ten bucks, and put his bike behind the counter, while his kid sobbed. He made him feel better, by telling him, we were going to fix it. A few minutes later, I went to the convenience store on my break. In the store, I saw the guy I just gave ten bucks to. He was using it to buy himself beer. I never hated myself and someone else simultaneously, so much in my life.

So I have seen the show and I have a few complaints:

#1 - NONE OF THEIR CUSTOMERS LOOK LIKE THE SMELL BAD.
The Dirties were called Dirties for a reason... because they were DIRTY, and thus stunk. Apparently no one who came into the pawn shop I worked at felt the need to shower before hocking their grandmother’s ring or the tools they borrowed from their neighbor and now will never give back.

#2. - WHERE IS THE CRAP?
Most of the people I dealt with only brought in junk, and most of it was broken. We never got a replica of a document with John Hancock's signature or Civil War paraphernalia. No one ever tried to pawn his Indiana Jones whip. No, but I got plenty of 15 year old black and white TVs, or a microwave that leaked radiation or a Craftsman socket wrench set, with half the sockets missing. The latter was usually accompanied by the owner bitching about how he paid 50 bucks for it 20 years ago and why he can't get $75, now.

#3. - WHERE DO YOU GET "EXPERTS"?
We never called in anyone to verify that something really was a musket from the Battle of Yorktown. 95% of our customers thought a musket was a kind of raccoon. Apparently on Pawn Stars, they got experts out the ass. This to me is stupid, because usually the expert comes in tells the customer it’s worth 10 grand at a fancy auction, and then has the Pawn Star offer him 50 bucks for it. I'd lose the experts.

#4. - NONE OF THE CUSTOMERS SEEM OVERTLY STUPID.
Let's be honest, if you are pawning shit, you made a serious career miscalculation. Our customers were not only NOT the sharpest knives in the drawer, some of them were fucking spoons. I had one guy come in with this huge gold chain. To test gold, you have to pour this acid on it. If it sits like water, it’s gold. If it turns green and bubbles its fake. We were told it was harmless, but it will most likely be the true source of the cancer that kills me.

Anyway, so I take his chain, and pour the acid on it. It turns BRIGHT green. Its super fake. So I tell the guy that. He replies "Man I paid $300 bucks for that out of some guy's trunk. Do you think the gold brick I bought from him is fake too?" That's right. He was unsure if the GOLD BRICK he bought OUT OF A GUY'S TRUNK, was real.

#5 - NO ONE PAWNS
My Dad runs a pawn shop, and when I asked him about the show his response was "they just buy, they don't pawn anything." He has a point. My Dad knows his customers. He knows the toothless 45 year old stripper most likely will not pick up that Charles Lindbergh propeller, when gets her rifle out of hock. He doesn't buy stupid shit. Because the alcoholic who pawns his tools on Friday so he can go out and drink, will not be interested in World War 2 War Bonds posters. He keeps it simple, jewelry, tools, guns, TV's and South African Krugerrand. If you have 24kt Gold, South African Krugerrand, look him up. He can't get enough of it.

I wish the pawn shop I worked in was half as cool as the one on Pawn Stars, because after a while it makes it hard to watch. I can't help but be jealous watching the guy who comes in with a Civil War era West Point jacket, when I had to figure how much some one's gold teeth were worth.

It’s a good show. I'm just saying, as an ex-Pawn Shop Man, for a reality show, it’s not very realistic.

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS - TRAILER

GHOST RAIDERS
SEASON THREE TRAILER



The new season beings January 2010.
Catch Up on Old Episodes at www.theghostraiders.com

"Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr Drew"... Uh Celebrity?

So I watched two TV shows last night. That is actually not true I watched tons of TV last night. But the two shows that really struck me were, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew and To Catch a Predator Raw.

For the three of you who don’t know, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew is just like Celebrity Rehab, except the celebrities are sex addicts as opposed to addicted to opiates. ("Opiates" is a term I learned only from watching Celebrity Rehab). So Sex Rehab is filled with such house hold names as Penny Flame, James Lovett, Nicole Narain, Kari Ann Peniche, Kendra Jade Rossi, Duncan Roy, Amber Smith, and Phil Varone.

That is right those people are “celebrities”. Now while I realize that no A, B, C, or D-List actress or actor with aspirations to appear in anything again other than Celebrity Rehab 2, Celebrity Sober House would want to appear on this show. But how can any one in good conscience call these people celebrities? They might as well be the cast of The Real World: Omaha, for all I know. I only know they are celebrities because the show calls them that.

And for nine people I have never heard of, they certainly have a bizarre sense of entitlement. Little did I know that being the ex-drummer of Skid Row or having made a sex tape with a guy on Grey’s Anatomy who is not Patrick Dempsey entitled you to such perks, as not participating in the rehab you signed up for.

It's so stupid. I know people who are more famous than these people and they are not famous at all. One friend of mine was in “How She Move”. That is at least a movie I have heard of. Another friend of mine knows someone who was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Should these two friends become opiate or sex addicts, I think they are more than qualified to be a “celebrity” on VH-1.

This brings me to someone who should be on Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, John Kennelly. Never heard of John Kennelly, I bet you have. Even if you are not a big fan of the show he is on, or have seen it, I bet a friend of yours has and told you about it.

John Kennelly was on one of the first Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator. I consider him the star of this episode. For the 5 people who don’t know about To Catch a Predator, here is the story. This group called Perverted Justice goes on line posing as underage teens to and tries to root out adults who are trying to meet up and have sex with said underage teens. They then set up a meeting at a house, where Chris Hanson and Dateline meet these guys and record it for the show.

Of this group of sick dirt bags, John Kennelly is a special case. In his episode, he showed up naked at the Dateline house and sat in the kitchen. Chris Hanson comes in and reads him his transcript of what he said in his online chat and confronts him about his intentions. The segment ends with him putting on his underwear and leaving the house.

That would normally be it, but in the next segment, you find out the next day, that the same guy, John Kennelly is back in the chat rooms again. He is after another underage teen boy, and has set up another meeting at a local McDonalds. So Chris Hanson and Dateline show up and confront him again. It’s unreal.

So I am watching this episode last night with my girlfriend, and I just yell out at the screen, “Now this guy should be on Sex Rehab!” And then it hit me, HE COULD.

If we go by the VH-1 “celebrity” qualifiers, he certainly fits the bill:

a) Been on TV before? Check
b) Has a sexual issue and needs help? Check

c) He is someone most people have never heard of? DOUBLE CHECK

I guess the only thing keeping him from being on Sex Rehab is that he is not some guilt ridden former porn star. No he actually has a sick and twisted sexual problem and probably deserves to be in jail rather than being pampered on a reality show.

But who knows, James Lovett got on.

Jason

Stop Complaining For The Wrong Reasons

I am a world class complainer. I mean I am good. To paraphrase the Marlon Brando line from The Wild Bunch, "What do I complain about?"

"What do you got?"

It with this doctorate in bitching that I am flummoxed by all the people bitching about The President winning The Noble Peace Prize. It started with a sign of the Apocalypse. I AGREED With Mr. William O'Reilly.



I know, nuts right? When did Bill O'Reilly become such a hippie? It won't last long, the comments on the Fox website pretty much lambasted Bill and then continued with the normal Obama is a Kenyan-Socialist-Marxist-Nazi talk.

Bill has a point (we agree on one thing so I can now call him Bill). President Obama really hasn't done anything. With all of the people on the Right complaining about Obama, Bill was the only complaining who made any sense. Who would have thought that would happen?

This comes a week after Chicago didn't get the Olympics. See those same people calling the Nobel committee a joke while forgetting Mother Teresa also got a Nobel prize , and are rattling off Yasser Arafat as an example of how the Nobel committee is out of touch, also spent Friday October 2nd, celebrating Chicago losing The Olympics to Rio. That really pissed me off.

All because Obama was going to Copenhagen, Rush Limbaugh and every Fox News pundit, and the retards on Fox and Friends (calling those people on Fox & Friends pundits is an insult to pundits) spent the week badmouthing Chicago. "Why would you want the Olympics THERE?!" "What a HORRIBLE place for the Olympics?" "Chicago is too corrupt for the Olympics!" Fuck those Fox assholes, and Rush.

I live in Chicago, its a great city. Well the North Side is. I wouldn't know about the South Side because I am too scared to go there. When you live in Chicago, you learn to root for anything from Chicago. Obama runs for President, you root for him. Blackhawks are up for the Stanley Cup, you root for them. Jennifer Hudson up for an Oscar, you root for her. White Sox up for the World Series... Well... The Cubs are really gonna do it next year. Point is when Chicago is up for the Olympics, you don't root for Rio. And you certainly don't bad mouth Chicago.

That said, not all of Chicago was for the Olympics being here. And this is were Rush and the Fox guys got it wrong. They wanted to make it all about Obama, when if they would have just asked someone from Chicago, hell asked ANYONE from Chicago, they would have told them all the REAL reasons the Olympics shouldn't be here. How about how the Mayor has not ruled out having taxpayers pay for the Olympics if it lost money? Or how a lot of the new construction would ruin lake front? Or how Landlords were already talking about not honoring leases so that they could rent apartments to people coming into town for the Olympics?

But nobody did that. Instead they all crapped on Chicago. For that I hope they all choke on Chicago style Vienna Beef Hot Dog. I especially hope Sean Hannity chokes on two of them while fantasizing they are the penises of George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan.

Its the same thing with the Nobel peace prize. Obama's lack of experience is not the reason they should be bitching. They should be bitching because it should have gone to Bono from U2.

That's right, I said it.

Bono deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

Its not for all of his humanitarian work or his work to end debt in Africa. Those are all worthy causes. No the reason he needs to get it is, to paraphrase Glenn Beck... I WANT MY U2 BACK. (insert girl like weeping here.)

See for the better part of a decade Bono has been up for the Nobel Peace Prize and not so incoincidentally, for the better part of a decade, U2's albums have sucked. Its my theory that the Nobel is a distraction for Bono and it is keeping him from doing really good albums like Joshua Tree, or Unforgettable Fire or Achtung Baby, hell even Zooropa. Pop in Joshua Tree if you don't believe me, aside from "Bullet the Blue Sky", its still awesome. Certainly better than anything on the new album.

So I am pleading with the Nobel committee to just give Bono his prize. That way he can stop trying to earn it and make better U2 albums.

Or he could just run for President.

We can all agree that would work, right?

Jason

Sundays With John, Paul, George, Ringo & Dad

I have always been a Beatles fan. Its one of the few Father-Son activities that did NOT traumatize me. I am a Beatles Fan because of my Dad.

Almost every Sunday morning when I was a kid, my Dad would play Beatles albums. He would either be reading the paper or making breakfast or both. I am not sure why he did it, or why my mother let him do it, but he did.

He had them on vinyl and played them on one of those big console stereos. You know those ones that we like 4 feet long, made of wood, and you would open the top and record player would be inside. If your parents didn't have one, your grandparents probably did.

I thought he had tons of albums, but he only had one actual album Revolver. The rest were compilations albums like Hey Jude, Beatles ’65 and Beatles IV, which were all made up of different singles and B-sides.

So that was my first exposure to The Beatles. The rest until I came into my own as a fan was scatter shot. I remember asking who John Lennon was and why it was one the news that he died. I was told because "he was a Beatle". It didn’t register much for me. I think I was much more invested in whether Han Solo would die after being frozen in carbonite. Although to bring those two worlds together, I remember thinking it was sad that he died, because now he would never get to see the next Star Wars movie. Thankfully John Lennon was spared the Ewoks.

The next piece came when HBO started showing Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. My sister and I thought it was great. I remember my Dad sort of proudly showing me The Beatles album in the store. I also remember turning my nose up at it because all the songs were by The Beatles and not by The Bee Gees and Peter Frampton. Thankfully I got over my Bee Gees over Beatles phase.

It wasn’t until high school that I got into The Beatles on my own. I bought Sgt. Pepper on tape, and satisfied with my purchase I moved on to the White Album also on tape. I still hate Revolution #9. I also discovered that you had to have a good tape deck to listen to The Beatles. Mine always seemed to have the right channel go out and so I would literally only get to hear half of the songs. I later upgraded to Abbey Road, Let It Be and Past Masters Vol. 2 on CD. I not long after, adopted "Hey Jude" as my official Sad Song. To this day when I get REALLY depressed, like "dumped by your girlfriend" depressed, I listen to "Hey Jude" on repeat until I feel better.

My liking of The Beatles also made long family trips a little better music wise. This was preferable to the infamous “Huey Lewis Incident” of 1984. Upon being lost in Tallahassee, my Father declared of Huey Lewis’ Sports album “ALL HIS SHIT SOUNDS THE SAME” and then unceremoniously ejected the tape. Huey Lewis was replaced by Boz Scaggs and has not been heard on any family trip since. In the early 90’s my Mother crassly asked on one trip “Can’t we listen to something other than The Beatles.” My Mother and Father are now divorced.

I have always said of The Beatles that they were the one thing that my Father and I agreed on, that we disagreed on. I was always more into Sgt. Pepper/ White Album/ Abbey Road Beatles, while he was more into the Love Me Do / I Want to Hold Your Hand Beatles. And while we appreciated the other, we are firmly in our respective camps. We don’t fight over it, we just agree to disagree.

This has all come about because there has been a Beatles blitzkrieg the last few weeks with all the Remastered CDs and Rock Band game coming out. I have been wondering “Why?” Why The Beatles and not like The Dave Clark Five or Herman’s Hermits. I know enough about business to know that you don’t release something unless there is a market for it. So why 40 years after the band has broken up and two members have died, is there still such a market for this band?

I mean sure, you can debate the quality of the music and how it stacks up other bands, til the end of time. Most everyone does. But I think it’s beyond whether the music was "good" or not. I think it's that we are not going to get anymore Beatles albums. They existed for a finite period of time, which will not come again. They haven’t been “Prequelized” or “Rebooted”. And each time a big Beatles event happens, it does not seem like such an OVERT mad dash for cash.

For me, hearing Beatles songs reminds me of being a kid. It reminds me of a time, where I didn’t worry about my job or where the money was going to come from. A time when my problems only seemed huge, but in retrospect in the grand scheme of things were actually very small. It just reminds me of Sunday mornings and breakfast with my Dad.

Jason

Exclusive! An Interview with Kanye West (In My Head)

In light of the drama at the MTV Awards last night, I thought it was time to sit down with Kayne West and try and get to the bottom of the controversy last night. Since I don’t have a chance in hell of REALLY getting that interview, I have decided to imagine what said interview would be like.

Me: Welcome Kayne

Kayne: ‘SUP?

Me: Why are you yelling?

Kayne: I’M NOT YELLING. THIS IS HOW I TALK.

Me: Well when you use all caps, you are yelling.

Kanye: THIS IS HOW I EXPRESS MYSELF. I AM THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME.

Me: Better than DiVinci?

Kayne: HE RAP?

Me: No. He’s an artist. Actually he was an Italian polymath, scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, botanist, musician and writer. Leonardo has often been described as the archetype of the Renaissance man, a man whose unquenchable curiosity was equaled only by his powers of invention. He is widely considered to be one of the greatest painters of all time and perhaps the most diversely talented person ever to have lived.

Kanye: BUT HE DIDN’T RAP. THIS MAKES ME THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME.

Me: Let’s move on. Kayne I think you have a problem with hyperbole.

Kayne: WHAT’S DAT?

Me: Please don’t use slang. This all takes place in my head and when you talk like that, it makes me sound racist.

Kanye: OK.

Me: Thank you. Now, hyperbole is a figure of speech in which statements are exaggerated. It may be used to evoke strong feelings or to create a strong impression, but is rarely meant to be taken literally.

Kanye: NOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF, OR ARE YOU JUST CUTTING AND PASTING IT FROM WIKIPEDIA?

Me: Fair enough. Let’s talk about what happened last night.

Kanye: THAT WAS DOPE.

Me: Kanye, again with the slang.

Kayne: LOOK MAN, I AM YOUR PROJECTION OF MY PUBLIC PERSONA THROUGH THE FILTER OF YOUR HEAD. SO IF HOW I COME ACROSS THROUGH SAID FILTER SEEMS TO BE RACIST, MAYBE IT IS YOU THAT IS THE PROBLEM, NOT ME.

Me: Touché. So back to last night. It was kind of rude what you did to Taylor Swift.

Kanye: LOOK I SAY WHAT I THINK AND I THOUGHT THAT BEYONCÉ’S “SINGLE LADIES” VIDEO WAS THE GREATEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME.

Me: “Single Ladies”? The video with Beyoncé in a skimpy outfit, dancing with two girl, like she has her entire career. THAT is the greatest video of all time?

Kanye: IT’S IN BLACK AND WHITE TOO.

Me: Right… You think that is the greatest video of all time? Better than “Thriller”?

Kanye: OH YEAH. AND I CAN SAY THAT SEEING AS HOW SINCE MICHAEL DIED, I AM THE NEW KING OF POP. I AM THE KING OF POP AND THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME. IN FACT FROM NOW ON I AM COMBINING THEM; I AM NOW THE KING OF THE GREATEST ARTISTS OF POP AND ALL OTHER ART OF ALL TIME. YOU KNOW THIS, MAN. I’M YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST.

Me: Actually mine is John Lennon.

Kanye: HE RAP?

Me: Kind of. You hear “Give Peace A Chance”?

Kanye: NO. AND SINCE I AIN’T HEARD OF IT, IT AIN’T SHIT. YOU NOW THAT’S RIGHT.

John Lennon: This guy’s a bloody git. Get him out of here.

Me: Just a minute.

John Lennon: All right. Me, Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson are listening the remastered “Abbey Road” if you need us.

Me: Doesn’t that sound awesome?

John Lennon: Fucking incredible. Its so clear.

Kanye: HEY I AM STILL HERE. SO TELL HUGH GRANT TO COME BACK LATER.

John Lennon: Wanker!

Me: Ok. So last night. My opinion what you did was just plain rude. She was just a kid. This was one of her first big awards and you basically told her she didn’t deserve it.

Kanye: BUT THAT IS WHAT I THINK AND EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT I THINK.

Me: No Kanye, they don’t. There are some thoughts people have in their head that should stay in their heads. Like I have a thought about driving up along side a guy on a bike and pushing him over. But I don’t tell people that. Wait… Crap.

It’s like what Tina Fey said to Alanis Morrissette “Not everything in your journal needs to be a song.” In the same vein, not every thought in your tiny, tiny brain needs to be expressed. And certainly not every hair brained idiotic action needs to be acted upon.

Kanye: TINA FEY? SHE RAP?

Me: No. She is just an award winning writer and actress.

Kanye: SHE AIN’T SHIT.

Me: Right….

Kanye: MAN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ARTISTS. WHEN INSPIRATION STRIKES, YOU HAVE TO ACT ON IT.

Me: Really? Because Pink said she wanted to kick your ass. In fact, they say you were escorted out of the VMAs because it. You know what Kanye, inspiration has struck. Hey Pink, come on in.

Pink: WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!

Kanye: WHY IS SHE YELLING?

Me: Cause she’s inspired Kanye. Inspired to kick the living shit out of you.

Pink: MOTHER FUCKER!!

Kanye: AHHH! STOP! HELP! GET THIS CRAZY BITCH OFF ME!

Pink: SHE IS A LITTLE FUCKING KID, YOU ASSHOLE!

Kayne: AHHH! THIS IS ALL TAKING PLACE IN YOUR HEAD. MAKE HER STOP!

Me: Nope, don’t think so. I always wanted to see what this would be like. It’s better than I thought.

Kanye: AHHHH!!! SHE GOT A KNIFE!

Pink: DON’T RUN FROM ME YOU LITTLE BITCH! I HAVE DADDY ISSUES!!!

Well I hope you enjoyed this little interview as much as I did.

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS SEASON TWO FINALE

Here is the Second Season Finale of Ghost Raiders. Thanks to everyone who has been supporting us. And for those worried that this is the end, don't. There is more to come.

Here it is...

Episode 12, "Finish What Ya Started"
The Season Two Finale. Jack and Liz enlist an old friend to get rid of Hoff's wife's ghost forever. In the meantime, Jack, Gary, Liz and Hoff all make life changing decisions.




Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

Ghost Raiders - "Best Episode Yet"

Episode 11 - "Designing Gary" An upset Gary strikes out on his own and makes a discovery about himself. Jack, Liz and Hoff try various methods to vanquish Hoff's Wife's ghost.



Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

GHOST RAIDERS NEW EPISODE NOW ONLINE!!

Episode 10 - "New Girl Stan"

Stan's replacement has strange effects on the members of The Ghost Raiders. Gary and Jack try to put aside their personal feelings so that they can go back after Hoff's Wife's ghost.

Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

RANT: The Health Care Debate Make Me Sick

The debate over health care makes me so sick; I could not get health insurance due to a pre-existing condition. Honestly. My girlfriend said it best "Liberals protest war and Conservatives protest health insurance?" It makes me so ill.

In all this debate about “death panels”, “public options” and “outraged town hall audiences", one thing has not been spoken about nearly enough. There are 45.7 million people uninsured in this country.

45.7 MILLION.

I have yet to hear Fox News, Sean Hannity, Keith Olberman, MSNBC, Lou Dobbs, Bill O’Reilly, Chris Matthews or Glenn Beck in all of the back and forth with all their paid experts discussing the ins and out of the “Health care debate”, bring up that point. From what I see on “the news”, most of the people in these town halls bitching about health insurance are people WITH health insurance.

“I don’t want to lose my right to choose.” A relative of mine told me recently.

At least you have a choice.

If thing does not happen, if it gets kyboshed, 45.7 million of our fellow Americans will not be insured. 45.7 million Americans living in Texas, Alaska, Florida, New York, Illinois, Red states, Blue States, the South, the East Coast, West Coast, Mid West, Great Plaines, will go with out health insurance. 45.7 Million Americans will run the risk of getting sick and having no way to pay for it.

Let me tell my story. I moved to Chicago and got a job working for a small business. You know one of those small businesses that Republicans love trying to “save” while they give tax breaks to huge multi-national corporations. The business was so small, that even with me as its only employee; it could not afford to give me health insurance. And while I was paid enough to live on, I didn’t really have the extra cash for a couple hundred dollars a month for health insurance. I had that job for five years.

I was not a degenerate. I wasn’t some “welfare mother”. I wasn’t someone “too lazy to get a job”. I was a full time employee, working a 35-40 a week, that had no health insurance. I didn’t get sick. I got the occasional cold, and took aspirin or what ever, but never anything I had to be hospitalized for. I was lucky.

I don’t think my story is a unique situation. I was once was one of those 45.7 million. I think that many many many more of the 45.7 million people in country are like I was, as opposed to stereotypes proposed by Rush Limbaugh and his ilk. Hard working men and women, who have a job, maybe two job, but do not have health insurance. People who may not be as lucky as I was.

So when you listen to this debate, “about how insurance companies can’t compete in the market place with a government run insurance company” or how “Obama wants to kill grandma” remember what is really at stake.

45.7 million Americans, like me, like my sister now that her company has downsized, that do not have health insurance. 45.7 million people who could care less about Obama bringing us to socialism. 45.7 million people who don’t know and don’t care what a “public option” is. They just want to be able to see a doctor if they get sick.

And if you don’t care about 45.7 million Americans, citizens of the country you claim to love so much, then you are just a horrible human being. I don’t know how you sleep at night. Most likely its with the Ambien you got with your awesome health insurance. The health insurance 45.7 million of your fellow countrymen are not lucky enough to have.

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS - EPISODE 9

Episode 9 - "Pretty Woman"
Jack uses the information Liz has gathered to get closer to Hoff's Wife. The ghost seriously attacks a member of the team.




Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

Yo Joe! Cover Girl Deserved Better!

Welcome to G.I. Joe! Your code name is “Cover Girl”. You work for a super secret military force made up of the finest operatives from around the world. You don’t ask to join, we ask you. To be a member you have to be the best of the best of the best. Your position? Secretary. Yo Joe!

So yeah I saw G.I. Joe over the weekend. I won’t bore you with a review. Its one of those movies where if you think about it, it makes less and less sense. Actually what I was struck by was not so much the main characters, but the supporting characters. Try watching a James Bond or Star Wars movie and remember that each of the Villain’s henchmen, had a mother and a father and maybe a wife and kids somewhere. Imagine some poor Stormtrooper who took that job on the Death Star because he didn’t finish high school and got some poor girl on Hoth pregnant. Kinda makes James Bond or Luke Skywalker look like assholes.

Well that is the way I felt about poor Courtney Kreiger code name Cover Girl in G.I. Joe. Here is back story:
“Prior to joining G.I. Joe, Cover Girl was a highly successful fashion model from Peoria, Illinois who graced the covers of countless magazines, but she found the world of modeling unfulfilling and joined the army to seek out new challenges in life.”

And her new life of adventure… Dennis Quaid’s fucking secretary. So let me get this straight… She had a job where people only cared about her looks. She wants to make a difference in the world so she joined the army. She gives up a life of relative ease. Joins the army, goes through boot camp, graduates at the top of her class, and then…. She get asked to join a super secret military group, G.I. JOE and order office supplies

Does she get to fly all the cool planes? Does she get to use any of the cool gadgets like the invisible suit? Does she get to fire any of the cool space age weapons? No, she gets to go into Dennis Quaid’s office every ten minutes and figure out why he can’t open his e-mail.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Here is Cover Girl’s average day:
COVER GIRL: How was the mission Duke?
DUKE: It was good. We used the new laser jet to destroy Cobra’s nanotech missiles. What’d you do?
COVER GIRL: Oh I sync’d up General Hawk’s iPhone with his Microsoft Outlook. Then I sorted the mail.
DUKE: Well we were gonna get some beers? Wanna come?
COVER GIRL: Sorry, I have a lot of expense reports to file.

G.I. Joe has women on it’s team, so its not like they are a sexist organization. If all women in GI Joe were secretaries that would be different, but they aren’t. Apparently Scarlett's evaluation was that she would be good with a laser cross bow. Cover Girl’s evaluation apparently went like this:
“Cover Girl huh? Guess her cover can be as a model that infiltrates fancy dinner parties.”
“I don’t know… Have you seen she types 90 words a minute?”

Poor thing. This is her life of adventure, a desk job. A desk job in the desert, so she can’t even go outside. Talk about your poor career choices. She should use her military combat training to kick the crap out of her high school guidance counselor. At least then she would get to use some of it.

And to add insult to injury… She gets killed in the first attack on the G.I. Joe headquarters while asking Dennis Quaid to sign some papers. She gets stabbed, no lie, through the heart and through her clipboard. It’d be poetic if it were not so sad.

Cover Girl, you deserved better. You at least deserved something better to defend yourself than a clip board and Bic pen.

At least Cover Girl you will be spared being in the sequel, and having to pick up Dennis Quaid’s dry-cleaning.

R.I.P. Cover Girl

Jason

My Apologies To Dan Harrison. It’s A Blog Not A Diary.

This is something I have to remind myself. Having had a blog now for 8-9 months, I get myself into the mindset sometimes of “Ooh I should blog about that”. This has sort of become my outlet for the hot button topics buzzing around my head.

I have found that writing an entry usually revolves around my being irritated or mad about something. Or I am just shamelessly plugging something. But when I am not shilling, yes, if I am blogging about it, I am probably pissed.

Because I have to be “mad” to write one, there has to be an awful lot of editing going on. I recently was going through some drafts of things I had started and didn’t for what ever reason didn’t finish. Glad I did. Seems like in my fury to write a blog, I didn’t THINK first. Wow there was a lot of stuff I was like… “Whoa, you were going to post that on the internet?!”

I usually try not to use anyone’s name, except mine. Of course if you know me, you know who my girlfriend, father, sister and so on are anyway. But in my fantasy world, “strangers” read this and I like to keep their potential embarrassment to a minimum. Along those same lines though, I didn’t bare in mind that my regulars might also recognize some other people in my life. Luckily I had some sense and didn’t publish them on the internet.

As Tina Fey once said to Alanis Morissette “Just because it’s in your journal, doesn’t mean it’s a song.” Well that is advice I need to remember to follow. And to remind myself what could have happened, here is a list of just the headlines of blogs I wrote in my anger that luckily I did not post. I have replaced the names of people in my life with the name of someone I have never met and do not know of “Dan Harrison.”

FUCK YOU DAN HARRISON!!

NEWS FLASH: MY DAN HARRISON IS AN IDIOT.

IF YOU FIND DAN HARRISON DEAD TOMORROW I DID IT! AND HERE IS THE REASON WHY!!

EAT SHIT AND DIE DAN HARRISON!!!

I CAN’T BELIEVE DAN HARRISON IS SO STUPID SHE DOESN’T KNOW HER BOYFRIEND IS GAY!!

SCANDAL: DAN HARRISON IS FUCKING DAN HARRISON!!! OMG!!!

THEY ARE GONNA FIRE DAN HARRISON TOMORROW AND HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW.

IF DAN HARRISON DOESN’T TELL HIS GIRLFRIEND HE GOT HERPES FROM THAT STRIPPER, I WILL.

I HATE ALL FOUR OF DAN HARRISON’S KIDS, BUT I ESPECIALLY HATE HIS MIDDLE CHILD, DAN HARRISON.

JUST GAVE A LOAN TO DAN HARRISON. THAT IS $50 BUCKS I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN!!

GRANDPARENT AT 36! NICE PARENTING DAN HARRISON.

PALIN OVER OBAMA?!? I AM ASHAMED I SHARE DNA WITH DAN HARRISON

THAT’S IT!! I AM TELLING DAN HARRISON THAT DAN HARRISON IS STEALING FROM THE COMPANY.

I BLAME MY FARTS ON DAN HARRISON’S DOG.

I CAN’T BELIEVE DAN HARRISON WENT HOME WITH DAN HARRISON!!

IS DAN HARRISON RETARDED OR DID HIS PARENTS JUST DROP HIM ON HIS HEAD?

SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS?!? DAN HARRISON IS SUCH A SLUT!!

PLEASE STOP TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE, ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT HOW YOU FUCKED MY DAN HARRISON!

WHAT KIND OF IDIOT BURNS THROUGH THEIR PAYCHECK TO BUY COKE? ANSWER: DAN HARRISON.

I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES, DAN HARRISON IS A RAPIST!

LIFE COULD BE WORSE. I COULD BE DAN HARRISON!

Wow it feels so good to get all that off my chest and off my blog. I just need to be more careful. Take some time and just think these things through, before I go off and write some embarrassing about… Dan Harrison.

Jason

D-Bag of the Week - Ryan O'Neal

Well I apparently was worried for nothing. I wanted to make D-Bag of the week a weekly feature, and I foolishly was worried that I would not be able to find someone to top last weeks inaugural winner Jon Gosselin. Then the week began and we got our new winner or (wiener)

RYAN O’NEAL

Anyone read this Vanity Fair thing on Farrah Fawcett? Good lord. People of a certain age like Ryan O’Neal. I think I saw Paper Moon, when I was a kid and I liked the little girl in it better than him. Come to find out the little girl would grow up to be train wreck Tatum O’Neal.

Farrah really got the shaft when she died. First of all she died the same day as Michael Jackson. So while Michael got 24/7 coverage, she was sort of reduced to a footnote. Now to add insult to injury all the stories coming out of her last days revolve more around Ryan O’Neal. In the Vanity Fair spread her picture is right next to a new picture of sixty eight year old, Ryan O’Neal with his shirt off. Really? Benefit of the doubt, sure they probably asked him to do it. But also he didn’t say “No, that would be gross”, did he.

To me, it seems like, with all the publicity he has gotten lately, Ryan seems to think that his long time girlfriend and the mother of one of children dying, was just the sort of boost his career needs. You’d just think he’d use it to make himself at least SOUND like a better person than he is. And by they way if this IS the good stuff, imagine the things he didn't say. Between getting into a fist fight with his son Griffin while Farrah was on her death bed, or blaming his break up with Farrah on her going through menopause or Farrah catching him in bed on Valentine’s Day with another woman, there is plenty in this article to warrant Ryan O’Neal getting the D-Bag of the Week award. At the very least he was eligible for the less prestigious “Stay Classy, Ryan O’Neal” award. There was one part of this article that put him over the top…

A story from Farrah’s funeral from the article:
“I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me,” Ryan told me. “I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’ She said, ‘Daddy, it’s me—Tatum!’ I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it’s my daughter. It’s so sick.”

Let’s examine what is wrong with this...

• You are hitting on a woman at the funeral of your long time girlfriend and mother of one of your children.
• You are hitting on a woman at the funeral of your long time girl friend and mother of one of your children after you “… had just put the casket in the hearse”!
• You are hitting on a woman you thought was SWEDISH(?) at the funeral of your long time girl friend and mother of one of your children.
• You confused a woman’s genuine show of affection as some sort of signal that she wanted to sleep with you, at the funeral of your long time girlfriend and mother one of your children.
• You didn’t recognize the woman you were hitting on at the funeral of your long time girlfriend and mother of one of your children’s funeral, was your DAUGHTER.

But probably the most egregious… the woman you were hitting on was TATUM O’NEAL. Anyone who has read 3 pages and the book jacket of Tatum’s book “A Paper Life”, knows that is a pile of crazy you don’t want to get within 100 yards of. She was too much of a hot mess for John McEnroe. That's right, crazy ass John McEnroe, said “That is too much crazy for me. I am out.”

Tatum’s response: “That’s our relationship in a nutshell,” She sighed. “It had been a few years since we’d seen each other, and he was always a ladies’ man, a bon vivant.”

Bon vivant? No Tatum, he is not a Bon vivant…

He’s a douche bag.

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS - EPISODE 8

Episode 8 - "Vetch-Lau"
Jack delves deeper not only into the mystery surrounding the ghost haunting Hoff's Wife's house, but Hoff's Wife as well. Extreme measures are proposed in an attempt to get rid of the ghost possessing Gary.

This weeks episode also features "The Funkiest Ghost" performed by Before Dawn. Find out more about Before Dawn at http://www.beforedawnband.com/



Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

GHOST RAIDERS - SERIES 2 BEGINS

Episode 7 - "I-9"
The Ghost Raiders are about to embark on the ghost find of their careers. But they find much more than ghosts at their new location

Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

D-Bag of the Week: Jon Gosselin

I think I want to try and make this a regular feature. Honestly there are enough D-Bags out there, to warrant it. But the honor for the first is for the “Star” of Jon and Kate Plus 8:

Jon Gosselin

So how did Mr. G get this great honor? Let’s get started.

I am a long time former viewer of Jon and Kate Plus 8. Two summers ago, I was at a loss of what to watch on TV. Then I discovered “Babies” as my girlfriend and I referred to the show. It was a simple enough show, a Type-A mother, her put upon husband, 7 adorable kids and Hannah. It was set in suburbia, and there were a lot of shows about how to do normal things with 8 kids.

But then things changed and the normal things turned into moving into a million dollar house, free trips around the country and Emeril cooking at their house. But the thing that anchored the show, aside from my dislike of Hannah, was what a belittling, pain in the ass, Kate was.

I felt sorry for Jon. I mean in some episodes he could not even breathe correctly as far as Kate was concerned. (This is not hyperbole. There actually was a segment where Kate bitched about Jon breathing too loud.) So when he was photographed hanging out in bars with 22 year old girls, well… I won’t say I saw that coming. Let’s just say I was not surprised the “storybook” romance was over.

So what happened? How did I go from feeling bad for Jon to giving the honor of D-Bag of the week? Well since the uber-publicized split of the Jon and Kate, the news about what the two of them has been up to could not be more different.

Both of them have made pledges about doing what is right by their kids. So we see paparazzi photos Kate in a bikini at the beach and around their house with the eight kids. Even if the stories are about Kate beating the crap out of one (which I am sure the evil mastermind Hannah was truly behind anyway); at least the stories take place with her at with the kids.

But Jon… he is in New York getting a place at Trump. He is in France with his girlfriend talking about starting a clothing line. He is breaking up with a 22 year old because she doesn’t like the media attention. He “might” be dating some woman who quit her tabloid job. And now the kicker, in regard to being with his kids:

“I'm really looking forward to it – to turning my phone off, playing with my kids in the pool and being the dad.”

Well Jon… Don’t you think you could have been doing this all along?

Kate may not be June Cleaver. She may even be cheating with her bodyguard / personal trainer. But at least she is there. Where have you been? Well that is pretty easy to establish, you have seen to it that your get your picture taken in a designer T-shirt almost every day. But the answer to that question is “not with your kids”. If you enjoy “being a Dad” so much maybe you could cancel that next trip to the Hamptons to hang out with Michael Lohan.

Ya Douche Bag!

Jason

RANT: DID THE WARS END?!?

Apparently while I was sleeping last night, the economy got fixed, we ended the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and there is apparently peace on earth. That is all I can infer from the headline when I opened the homepage on my internet browser today:

Brad Pitt, Angelina Hit a McDonald's Drive-Thru

Sorry Brad, Angie, Knox, Pak, Z, Shiloh and the other one, but I am done. Totally done with your whole family. I’ll go see their movies if they look like they might be good, but beyond that, I am done.

I don’t care anymore. When Brad and Angie were interesting sure, I’d sneak a peek at an Us Weekly. Brad is cheating on Jen… Angelina likes knives… That stuff was cool. Not everyone gets to cheat on their spouses with the hottest person in the world. But you know who goes through the McDonalds drive thru… EVERYONE!

It’s not their fault. It’s the media... well if you can call the ass-clowns who stand around LA taking mundane pictures “the media”. And I understand a slow news day. But honestly! Its crap like this that makes me yearn for more Michael Jackson coverage.

And really what is newsworthy about this? What the fuck about this is even remotely interesting? Why would I or anyone want to know this? Here is a little tip if you are wondering if something is "News". If someone does something, which everyone does and you pretty assumed they did anyway… IT’S NOT NEWS.

And to MSN, Google, Yahoo and the like… just because an ass-clown rag like US Weekly thinks its News… ITS NOT. Please stop listing it as such. Same goes for the 5 stories underneath it about Jon from Jon and Kate Plus 8, hanging out with Lindsey Lohan’s father. Again a douche bag hanging out with a douche bag is not news. I pretty much guessed they did that anyway. Who else WOULD hang out with a douche bag?

So come back when someone has died, cheated or committed career suicide.

Until then I have to go. There is breaking news.

John Goodman Farted

Jason

EVERYTHING OLD IS... OLDER...

My morning started off as normal as any other. Dragging out of bed, and then dragging into the shower. While in the shower I couldn’t get “Into the Flesh” from Pink Floyd’s The Wall, out of my head. Not sure why. I don’t usually sing in the shower. Singing requires joy, and there is no joy to be had for me in the mornings.

This led to a small anal retentive quest, to put The Wall on my Ipod for my commute to work. I also, for fun and because I don’t remember seeing all of it, ordered the movie on Netflix. While ordering the DVD, something caught my eye, the year the album The Wall came out, 1979. Yes, Pink Floyd’s The Wall is 30 YEARS OLD.

Thirty years. I know people who are not even or barely that old. I know people who have children and are NOT EVEN that old. Man I feel old. It just sort of put things in perspective. The things I know, the things I grew up on, they are OLD. When I read about movies being made about cartoons I watched as a kid or movies getting remade, I am always like “Why? That movie is only a couple years old.” And its not. Its twenty years…thirty years old.

It didn’t used to be this way, Used to be, old things we old. Sure remake Father of the Bride. That is an OLD movie with Spencer Tracy. Its in black and white, for God sakes. But Friday the 13th? That movie came out in 1980, it is only… OH MY GOD!

Wanna feel old? Batman with Jack Nicholson as The Joker, came out twenty years ago. Ghostbusters 25 years ago and Ghostbusters 2, twenty years ago. Goonies came out 24 years ago. Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit came out 18 years ago. Home Alone, 19 years ago. That is right little Macaulay Culkin, next year, will turn 30.

Even new stuff is old. The first Harry Potter book came out 12 years ago, and the actor who plays Harry Potter, Daniel Radcliff, just turned 20. The Matrix, Sixth Sense, and The Phantom Menace are all ten years old. And the final episode of Seinfeld was on May 14, 1998, 11 years ago.

It seems like just yesterday that Britney Spears first single came out. But it wasn’t. It was ten years ago. Back when if you even had a computer, it was a desktop, and if you had the internet, it was dial up. If you had an e-mail account it was most likely an America Online one. You had never heard of blogs, bloggers, MySpace, Facebook, YouTube or Twitter.

How did all of this oldness sneak up on us? Just happens, I guess. While we were watching our flat screens, texting on our cell phones and ordering our Netflix, The President became younger than most of our parents. It give it two, maybe three more presidents before he or she is younger than most of us.

Perhaps the only silver lining, is that when that happens we can adopt that righteous indignation all of those old people seemed to have we when we younger. You remember those “Old People”. The ones in their late 30’s.

Nothing we can do to stop it. Its gonna happen. And worse than that, one day some child will utter this phrase...

“Grandma Britney”

Jason

Deep Dark Secrets Revealed: I Make Lists

Wikipedia defines Obsessive–Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) as a personality disorder which involves an obsession with perfection, rules, and organization. People with OCPD may feel anxious when they perceive that things are not right. This can lead to routines and rules for ways of doing things, whether for themselves or their families.

My name is Jason and I make lists. Not “ To-Do” list, or grocery lists or Christmas lists, but nonsense lists. Lists of no particular importance other than "Wow, this is bugging me, I need to make a list of all of these items / things.” It drives me nuts until I have done it.

Example, Saturday my girlfriend and I are driving to see the new Harry Potter, and as we passed one movie theater, I mentioned that I saw Harry Potter 4 there. That is when the switch went off and I had to then name all the movie theaters where I saw other Harry Potter movies. For the record its:

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone – Webster Theater, Chicago IL
Harry Potter in the Chamber of Secrets – Syracuse, New York
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – Davis Theater, Chicago IL
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – Western Theater, Chicago and Crown Village 18, Skokie IL (I saw it twice)
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – AMC 21, Chicago IL
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince – Western, Chicago IL

I do this crap all the time. There is usually no warning. Nothing usually triggers it. Someone brings up something, and then I get this overwhelming compulsion to do nothing else than to make a list all of the things involved. And the worst part is, it’s always nothing of any importance. Its stupid things like the Baldwin brothers:

Alec, Billy, Daniel, Stephen

Or the Jacksons:

Randy, Jackie, Marlon, Tito, Michael, Jermaine, Rebbie, Janet, Latoya

Or Vice Presidents going back to World War 2:

Biden, Cheney, Gore, Quayle, Bush, Mondale, Rockefeller, Ford, Agnew, Humphrey, Johnson, Nixon, Barkley, Truman

IT SUCKS! Why couldn’t I get an OCPD that was useful? How about the obsession to keep the kitchen clean? How about the obsession to save money? How about being obsessed with only eating green food? Those would be awesome. You know what is not awesome? Stopping work to make a list of the albums that came out in 2009, that I have on iTunes:

Bruce Springsteen - Working on a Dream
Away We Go Soundtrack
Tori Amos - Abnormally Addicted to Sin
Coldplay - LeftRightLeftRight
Wilco – Wilco (the Album
U2 - No Line on the Horizon
Lonely Island - Incredibad
Green Day – 21st Century Breakdown
Dave Matthews Band - Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King
The Fray - The Fray.

It is always something inane. It’s like having the world’s stupidest super power aside from a green ring that does not work against anything yellow. (Sorry school bus full of kids about to go off that cliff) I have the super power to regurgitate trivia. Not photographic memory or the ability to speed read, or type really fast those would be good. All of those are useful. NO, I only have the ability to quickly make lists of all the Characters on M*A*S*H that left and who replaced them:

Trapper John was replaced by B.J. Hunnicutt
Colonel Blake was replaced by Colonel Potter
Frank Burns was replaced by Charles Emerson Winchester III.
(Radar left too and was replaced by Klinger, but Klinger doesn’t count because he was already on the show.)

SEE OF NO GOD DAMN USE TO ANYBODY!

Not even me! And don’t even get me started on my secret lists. Like my lists of all the DVD’s I have. Each list is on an excel spreadsheet, listed alphabetically with who is in it, and who directed it. And then my list of CDs, separated by store bought and ones I burned. Or my list of books. Or my list of Star Wars figures….

I HAVE A LIST OF MY LISTS!!

I guess I could have worse disorders, than trivial organization. And for the most part it does not affect my life, except for those moments between thinking up the list and then completing it. It's just stupid.

Anyway deep dark secret revealed. That and I like cheese.

Jason

RANT: Jason's Day of Shameless Networking

I am ready for the next level.

Seriously, it is what I egotistically tell people all the time. You know that guy who sits and sees that "they" are making ViewMaster movie, and then wants to blow his brains out, because some dip-shit is getting his VIEWMASTER screenplay made into a movie, while "said guy" is toiling away at a crappy 9 to 5 job? That's me. I'm the one with the .357 in my mouth. Its nickel plated and tastes like flat 7-Up.

Without boring you with my writing credits, I have done a lot. I think a lot of it is pretty good. But I want more. Why? Because there is a dipshit getting a movie made about a fucking ViewMaster. And I, who have ideas that revolve around things OTHER than a 50 year old toy that makes things look like they are in 3-D, am not.

Its all who you know, isn't it? I went to a seminar of Saturday Night Live writers. Someone asked the question: "How you get on Saturday Night Live?"

They answered: "Do you know Tina Fey?"

"No."

"Get to know Tina Fey. We all got hired because we knew Tina Fey."

FUCKING GREAT.

Well I don't know Tina Fey. I don't know anybody. I just know you guys. You my fabulous readers. People who are kind enough to read my drivel I call writing. And I love each and every one of you desperately and truly appreciate all you have done and the time you have invested.

BUT YOU AREN'T TINA FEY, ARE YOU?

Or maybe you are. If so Tina, I love you work. I'd love to send you my 30 Rock Spec script.

But maybe you are just as good as Tina Fey. Maybe you are better. Mr. Spielberg, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull kicked ass! I have a Buck Rogers screenplay I think you should read.

Hell are you the ViewMaster guy? I love your work. I have a Slinky screenplay just up your alley.

Maybe you are not Tina or Steven or the ViewMaster guy. Maybe you know someone? Maybe you know someone who knows someone? Maybe your Dentist has another patient who delivers Thai food to David Lee Roth? Who knows, the world is weird like that.

So since I know you, I want to know who you know. If you know anybody or know anybody who knows anyone who knows of anybody... I want to know.

Got Comedy Central's address for new Talent? I want to know.
Got a buddy who works the mail room at William Morris? I want to know.
Got Tina or Steven or the ViewMaster guy's home address? I want to know
Lindsey Lohan's drug dealer, anything... I WANT TO KNOW.

If you have my e-mail address send it there. Facebook it to me. If not, leave something in the "comments" section with a way to contact you. We will talk.

Thank you very much.

Jason

Ghost Raiders - Cannonball Run Version

With Season One completed of Ghost Raiders, rather than do a clip show like Family Ties, I thought I'd cut together a blooper reel. Sort of an insight as to what its like shooting Ghost Raiders.

Enjoy

Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

The Last Word on Michael Jackson & Sarah Palin (Hopefully)

Or at least I hope it is. Sarah Palin is beginning to get a lot like herpes. Just when you think she is gone, she flairs up again. And then there is this nagging feeling is she is going to be around for ever.

Not happy to be quiet for longer than 2 weeks after going toe to toe against Letterman, Sarah Palin is quitting her job as Alaska Governor. BUT she didn’t quit the day she has announced, she is quitting next month. Oh but she isn’t quitting, she is a “fighter”, looking at “other avenues to make effective change”. Nope Sarah, when you resign you have quit. It’s okay to quit. I quit Freshman Football in high school, but when I quit it, I said I quit. I didn’t say I am looking at other venues to pursue team contact sports.

I don’t like Sarah Palin. And the reason I don’t like her is not because she is a Republican or a Conservative or because she seems to have an exaggerated sense of self importance. (Although all of those are certainly good reasons to start). I don’t like her because when she speaks she doesn’t make any sense. I watched her 6 minute QUITTING speech. It rambled on with one political catch phrase followed by a series of prepositional phrases usually never followed by a direct or indirect object, and then back to another political catch phrase again. (And a saying from a magnet from her parents refrigerator) She actually said nothing. I think we may all just be inferring she is quitting. She may not be. With Sarah it is hard to say, well at the very least hard to understand.

She is so weird. Most people who enjoy the sound of their own voice seem to say something. It seems like Sarah, like a toddler who has just learned to scream, only likes the sound her voice makes.

So hopefully we have heard enough from Sarah for a while. Probably not, she has a book coming out. But a boy can dream.

That brings us to Michael Jackson. I secretly think Sarah Palin only resigned because she was upset about all the media coverage he was getting.

Michael Jackson dying is sad. Yes, I have taken a lot of shots at Michael Jackson, and certainly spent a fair amount of time making fun of him. Regardless of where you stand on liking his music or thinking he was over rated, or if he was weird or if he really did the things he was accused of, all of that is kind of irrelevant. At the end of the day, 2 parents lost a son, 5 brothers and 3 sisters lost a brother, and 3 children lost a father. If Michael Jackson were a bus driver, that would still be sad.

And yes the coverage has been too much. A report on one the channels called “Is There Too Much Media Coverage of Michael Jackson?” That sort of made me laugh. But is the coverage just the result of a slow news month or it is actually the product of actually talking about what is going on. It not like there is 24 hour coverage and there is no one on the streets of LA, New York, Tokyo, Gary Indiana, or wherever, crying and grieving. There are hundreds, maybe thousands in each place. If a thousand people get together, isn’t that news worthy? So I don’t know, it could be a little of both.

I watched the memorial. I saw a story on CNN where someone “reviewed” it. That struck me as odd. If your grandmother dies no one from the local paper comes to review it. Yet Michael Jackson’s memorial gets a “review”.

I get bothered by memorials. I seem to think that the people who speak should be people who knew the deceased relatively well. But sometimes people make other’s deaths about themselves, and not the deceased. So a lot of times you get people speaking at memorials who hardly knew the person that died. I find it tacky.

I started to think that about Brooke Shields, who I thought gave one of the better speeches. I was like “Brooke Shields?” and then I remembered that she went to Grammys with him and Emanuel Lewis. (Then I shook my head). But I really liked what she had to say. Most of the speakers talked about Michael Jackson’s accomplishments, but hers involved actually what it was like to sort of hang out with Michael Jackson. Of course "hanging out with Michael Jackson" involved sneaking into Liz Taylor’s room, while she was asleep, and making fun of his glitter glove. It's not something most people can say they did too. But going someplace you should not with a good friend is. I wish more of the speakers had told those kinds of stories.

Some other things stuck me as unintentionally funny. Jermaine saying he did not have the words, while Jesse Jackson inched his way to the microphone. Or when Marlon came up to speak and all I could do was flashback to the miniseries on the Jacksons where young Marlon was one who kept messing up the dance moves, and making the brothers miss playing outside. Then his daughter cries and its hard to remain a cynic.

As much as Michael and Sarah have permeated pop culture, I am kind of hoping that we can get a break from them. Sure there will still be hoopla around Michael Jackson’s will, autopsy, etc, for months and years to come. It will be a circus, sure, but I think the big part of it is over and hopefully he and we can all get a rest.

I don’t think the same can be said for Sarah. I am sure the metaphoric Valtrex will where off and she will flair up. She will realize that no one has mentioned her in the press and do something. Her book is still coming, which if she writes the way she talks, then God help us all. At least Michael will be spared.

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS NEW EPISODE NOW ONLINE!!

Episode 6 - "Return To Pooh Corner"

With members of the team quitting left and right, it falls to Gary alone, to come up with a plan to keep the everyone together and to take The Ghost Raiders to the next level.


Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

GHOST RAIDERS EPISODE FIVE NOW ONLINE

Episode 5 - "P.H.I.S.T.-ed"
The Ghost Raiders finally catch a break in finding out the identity of the ghost in Jack's apartment. They are not, however, prepared for Jack's reaction as to who the ghost actually is.



Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

Random Michael Jackson Memories

So Michael Jackson died.

I could spend and have spent days talking about where Michael went wrong, and do it from a place of having absolutely no knowledge of how things really went down. Instead I was struck by this thought as I was on the bus. I put a bunch of Jackson 5 / Michael Jackson songs on my Ipod. So on my way to work, I looked at the rest of the bus and saw probably a larger percentage of people also listening to their Ipods. In my mind, I just sort of assumed they were all listen to Michael Jackson too. It just seemed crazy, the day after, not to.

This got me thinking about some of my Michael Jackson moments. Nothing specific. No Earth shattering revelations. Just times in my life where I or people around me were doing things, because Michael Jackson was involved.

Here they are:

• Someone in my fourth grade class, bringing "Thriller" to show and tell.
  
• A family reunion in 1983. Someone bought "Thriller", on record. I can remember the whole family dancing to it in my living room.
  
• Getting the version of E.T. narrated by Michael Jackson for my sister for Christmas
  
• Seeing the Michael Jackson dolls for the first time at TG&Y in Pensacola Florida.
  
• Recording "Friday Night Videos" every week, in the vain hope that this was the week they would show "Thriller".
  
• Recording "We Are the World" on my boombox off the radio.
  
• My sister's friend thinking that Bob Dylan in "We Are the World" was Buckwheat.
  
• Getting excited when I thought heard on the radio that Michael Jackson was touring Pensacola and then upset when I heard his tour was sponsored by PEPSI-Cola.
  
• The infamous phone call I got when I was 11, from my sister's best friend about Michael Jackson's hair catching fire. My Mom thought from my reaction a family member had died.
• My grandfather calling him "Michelle" just to irritate me and my cousins.
• Watching the whole "Bad" video, and thinking the part before the video was boring, and not really caring who Martin Scorsese was.
• Finally seeing the video for "Thriller" in high school. I recorded it and showed it to my 3 year old sister. She was scared of Michael Jackson for years.
• Driving home for Christmas for the first time and watching that weird video of Michael Jackson defending himself against the allegations of him molesting children. It was that one with red background and he said they took pictures of his penis.
• Being drunk at a party in college and making a deal with someone to split "History", I would keep the old songs and they could have the new songs. I never got my half.
• Sitting with my grandmother in the hospital when she had cancer. She saw Michael Jackson on TV and said: "That's it. I am not dying until I find out, 'What is the deal with Michael Jackson?"
• Watching "Living with Michael Jackson" with my friends in the living room of my apartment in Chicago, and watching my and my friends' jaws drop every time some new crazy thing came on, like he wrote Dirty Diana in a tree or that children are called 'colored', because "...they come in different colors".
• My friend Jenny having the "Off the Wall" CD in her car, and there being absolutely no sense of irony about it.
• Calling my Mother for something random yesterday and having her tell me Michael Jackson died.
• Spending the evening on Facebook, and watching my friends comment about his death. The best one was my friend Tim who wrote: "Apparently this is Gov. Mark Sanford's lucky day."
  
• Reading this morning on Twitter from my friend Neil "What's crazier? His death, or that the news is only about 6 hours old and people are sick of hearing about it. Sign of the times."

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS NEW EPISODE NOW ONLINE!!

EPISODE 4 - "Networking"

The Ghost Raiders split up and try different ways to drum up clients for their new business.



Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

Day of Shameless Self-Promotion Part 1

Its come to my attention, that some of you are not getting your weekly Ghost Raiders Fix from this site. Well that is a problem I plan to remedy right now.

Ghost Raiders is my weekly web series about the adventures of a team of ghost investigators. Episode 1 went up 3 weeks ago and has been doing pretty well. Well since then Episodes 2 and 3 have gone live and Episode 4 will go up on Monday.

So to get everyone caught up, here is Episode 2.

In Episode 2 "House of Hunan", Jack and Gary pull out all the stops to recover their damaged ghost footage. Unbeknownst to them, the solution to their problems might have just arrived with the Chinese food they just ordered. In this episode also A.H. Sermonia makes his Ghost Raider Debut as "Hoff".

Here is Episode 2:




Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

Day of Shameless Self-Promotion Part 2

Here is Episode 3 "Where We Meet Liz Frehley"
In this Jack heads down to the County Records office to do some research on his house. There he meets Liz (Played by the AWESOME Jenn Remke), who is not all that she appears.



Remember all of The Ghost Raider Episodes can be found at www.theghostraiders.com or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

Unfriended On Facebook

Who knew social networking could be so painful? Granted I spend far too much time on Facebook. It gets to the point where I look at Facebook, do something else and then come back and am upset that not that much has happened since I left. Its rather pathetic.

So the other day I was doing this "thingy" on Facebook. (You'd think with the amount of time I spend on it I would learn the lingo.) It had to do with getting on a list with other people you had once gone to school with. So I am filling it out, ready to basically annoy everyone who has ever bothered to "friend" me. As I am going down the list, I noticed one of my former school chums from college is missing. I double check, and yep I am right, that person is no longer on my friends list. I go find this person's Facebook page and am asked "Add as a Friend".

ADD AS A FRIEND?!?!?

I already was a friend. Not just a Facebook-Friend, I was a PERSON-FRIEND. We went to college together. We hung out. We went out drinking. Then we didn't see each other for ten or so years and I became a Facebook friend. And now, without provocation, without notice, I have been unceremoniously UNFriended. The nerve. I have Facebook friends I have never met, I wouldn't even do that to.

I got really neurotic about this, more so than usual. See this person who unfriended me, our social networking reunion ended at the acceptance of the aforementioned Facebook friending. We didn't click on each others posting or comment on each other's status. Occasionally I would look at a pic if it seemed interesting. But beyond that, there was little to no interaction. And that was what really bothered me.

See I have only unfriended one person on Facebook. It was this guy I never met, who would just "friend" anyone. On top of that he would constantly plug his shows he was doing in another state. I just found it annoying. So I unfriended him. Do you know how hard it is to unfriend a person? It is not something you do accidently. It is a multi-step process, and almost not worth the effort.

So that means that this supposed former Facebook friend actually had to WANT to unfriend me. This former person friend turned Facebook friend, who I never thought about, or cared about, actually took the time to jump through the Facebook hoops to unfriend me. It was a conscious effort. It was an item on their Todo list:

Get Milk ... Check

Mail Netflix... Check

Unfriend Jason on Facebook... Check

What the hell!?! What did I do? Was my latest status offensive? Should I have included the Youtube video as opposed to just putting the link? Where the answers to my "25 Questions" not up to snuff? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? How did I fall out of Facebook favor? What crime again social networking warranted my unfriending?

So many unanswered questions...

I do know this. I will not be adding this person back as a friend. Should they come cyber crawling back with an "Add As A Friend" request, my answer will be NO. I can't stand the thought of the social networking pain involved in a potential second unfriending.

No way. They had their chance to see me in the latest photos I have been tagged in. Or to get a reminder that Episode THREE of Ghost Raiders is up and ready do go. I say NO MORE!

Who needs them, right? I have 214 other friends to ease me pain. I will say it will make me think twice about Unfriending people in the future.

Just remember just because they are your Facebook friend, it doesn't mean they don't have real feelings.

Jason

If You Make Fun Of Sarah Palin, Apparently You Hate America

I sort of thought after she and John McCain lost the election, Sarah Palin would go away. Apparently not. Which is weird to me cause you know you didn’t see Lloyd Bensen skulking around after he and Michael Dukakis lost in 1988. Apparently Governor Palin didn’t get the memo.

Apparently the Palins were in New York last weekend, ya know doin’ what normal hockey mom / Joe six-packs do, seeing a Yankee game in box seats with Rudy Guliani, staying at 5 star hotels, marching in parades to honor William Seward and getting an award from Independent Group Home Living Foundation. You know, just normal average every day American things. I went to New York a couple weeks ago and just walked around Times Square and saw “Shrek the Musical”, but that was only because I am one of the “cultural elite”.

Anyway what also happened in New York was David Letterman made the following jokes about The Palins at the Yankee game in that “during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez”

To this Palin responded with:
“Concerning Letterman's comments about my young daughter (and I doubt he'd ever dare make such comments about anyone else's daughter): 'Laughter incited by sexually perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting, but it reminds us some Hollywood/NY entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands -- that acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments about an underage girl, who could be anyone's daughter, contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others.'"

Which lead Letterman to clarify, that the joke was about Bristol Palin, her daughter who had already had a child out of wedlock and then apologized with the following:
"I would never, never make jokes about raping or having sex of any description with a 14-year-old girl," … "I mean, look at my record. It has never happened. I don't think it's funny. I would never think it was funny. I wouldn't put it in a joke."

He then invited the Palins to come back to New York and go on his show. Ya know, like normal everyday Americans do every day.

Did Letterman cross the line; I am not one to judge. I use “retard” in my daily language and used to do sketches about Christopher Reeve and the cast of Friends having cancer in my improv days.

No the problem I have is this sentence:
“...it reminds us some Hollywood/NY entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands…”

First of all Sarah, can I call you, Sarah? That is what average everyday folks do right? You know the ones who don’t get to see the Yankees with Rudy or are even discussed on late night talk shows. The ones who save up for months, maybe years to be able to afford half the weekend you had in New York City or someplace comparable.

Sarah, you are not an average every day American. You are the Governor of Alaska, and ran for Vice President of the United States. You are nothing like average every day Americans. Nothing! The fact that you even pretend to have anything in common with people who live in the lower forty-eight is laughable at best, especially compared to a guy who grew up in the Midwest. At worst it is condescending and insulting

Here is the thing, Sarah. I am an average American. You can tell because I live pay check to pay check, and live in constant fear of losing my job. Is that any part of your day to day, Sarah? When I go on vacation, I tend to either save up for a while so I can afford to go, or I stay with friends not in a five star hotel. When I go to a baseball game, I get over priced tickets online or I sit in the cheap seats, not in a box with a former mayor and / or Presidential candidate.

And the other thing, average Americans laugh at you. Saturday Night Live’s rating tripled when Tina Fey was on doing an impression of you. There are not enough cultural elites and “Hollywood/NY entertainers” to boost their rating that much. By the way average Americans don’t get made fun of by Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live!

So Sarah as an average every day Jason-Pitcher of Miller Lite, and for all the other average everyday Americans…

YOU ARE NOT ONE US, SO STOP SPEAKING FOR US!!

Next time Sarah, you start to wonder if you still think you are an average everyday American, ask your self this:

“Do I think Sarah Palin is a joke?”

If your answer is “yes”, then once you lose your job and your house goes into foreclosure, you very well might be on your way.

Jason