Exclusive! An Interview with Kanye West (In My Head)

In light of the drama at the MTV Awards last night, I thought it was time to sit down with Kayne West and try and get to the bottom of the controversy last night. Since I don’t have a chance in hell of REALLY getting that interview, I have decided to imagine what said interview would be like.

Me: Welcome Kayne

Kayne: ‘SUP?

Me: Why are you yelling?

Kayne: I’M NOT YELLING. THIS IS HOW I TALK.

Me: Well when you use all caps, you are yelling.

Kanye: THIS IS HOW I EXPRESS MYSELF. I AM THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME.

Me: Better than DiVinci?

Kayne: HE RAP?

Me: No. He’s an artist. Actually he was an Italian polymath, scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, botanist, musician and writer. Leonardo has often been described as the archetype of the Renaissance man, a man whose unquenchable curiosity was equaled only by his powers of invention. He is widely considered to be one of the greatest painters of all time and perhaps the most diversely talented person ever to have lived.

Kanye: BUT HE DIDN’T RAP. THIS MAKES ME THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME.

Me: Let’s move on. Kayne I think you have a problem with hyperbole.

Kayne: WHAT’S DAT?

Me: Please don’t use slang. This all takes place in my head and when you talk like that, it makes me sound racist.

Kanye: OK.

Me: Thank you. Now, hyperbole is a figure of speech in which statements are exaggerated. It may be used to evoke strong feelings or to create a strong impression, but is rarely meant to be taken literally.

Kanye: NOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF, OR ARE YOU JUST CUTTING AND PASTING IT FROM WIKIPEDIA?

Me: Fair enough. Let’s talk about what happened last night.

Kanye: THAT WAS DOPE.

Me: Kanye, again with the slang.

Kayne: LOOK MAN, I AM YOUR PROJECTION OF MY PUBLIC PERSONA THROUGH THE FILTER OF YOUR HEAD. SO IF HOW I COME ACROSS THROUGH SAID FILTER SEEMS TO BE RACIST, MAYBE IT IS YOU THAT IS THE PROBLEM, NOT ME.

Me: Touché. So back to last night. It was kind of rude what you did to Taylor Swift.

Kanye: LOOK I SAY WHAT I THINK AND I THOUGHT THAT BEYONCÉ’S “SINGLE LADIES” VIDEO WAS THE GREATEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME.

Me: “Single Ladies”? The video with Beyoncé in a skimpy outfit, dancing with two girl, like she has her entire career. THAT is the greatest video of all time?

Kanye: IT’S IN BLACK AND WHITE TOO.

Me: Right… You think that is the greatest video of all time? Better than “Thriller”?

Kanye: OH YEAH. AND I CAN SAY THAT SEEING AS HOW SINCE MICHAEL DIED, I AM THE NEW KING OF POP. I AM THE KING OF POP AND THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME. IN FACT FROM NOW ON I AM COMBINING THEM; I AM NOW THE KING OF THE GREATEST ARTISTS OF POP AND ALL OTHER ART OF ALL TIME. YOU KNOW THIS, MAN. I’M YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST.

Me: Actually mine is John Lennon.

Kanye: HE RAP?

Me: Kind of. You hear “Give Peace A Chance”?

Kanye: NO. AND SINCE I AIN’T HEARD OF IT, IT AIN’T SHIT. YOU NOW THAT’S RIGHT.

John Lennon: This guy’s a bloody git. Get him out of here.

Me: Just a minute.

John Lennon: All right. Me, Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson are listening the remastered “Abbey Road” if you need us.

Me: Doesn’t that sound awesome?

John Lennon: Fucking incredible. Its so clear.

Kanye: HEY I AM STILL HERE. SO TELL HUGH GRANT TO COME BACK LATER.

John Lennon: Wanker!

Me: Ok. So last night. My opinion what you did was just plain rude. She was just a kid. This was one of her first big awards and you basically told her she didn’t deserve it.

Kanye: BUT THAT IS WHAT I THINK AND EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT I THINK.

Me: No Kanye, they don’t. There are some thoughts people have in their head that should stay in their heads. Like I have a thought about driving up along side a guy on a bike and pushing him over. But I don’t tell people that. Wait… Crap.

It’s like what Tina Fey said to Alanis Morrissette “Not everything in your journal needs to be a song.” In the same vein, not every thought in your tiny, tiny brain needs to be expressed. And certainly not every hair brained idiotic action needs to be acted upon.

Kanye: TINA FEY? SHE RAP?

Me: No. She is just an award winning writer and actress.

Kanye: SHE AIN’T SHIT.

Me: Right….

Kanye: MAN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ARTISTS. WHEN INSPIRATION STRIKES, YOU HAVE TO ACT ON IT.

Me: Really? Because Pink said she wanted to kick your ass. In fact, they say you were escorted out of the VMAs because it. You know what Kanye, inspiration has struck. Hey Pink, come on in.

Pink: WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!

Kanye: WHY IS SHE YELLING?

Me: Cause she’s inspired Kanye. Inspired to kick the living shit out of you.

Pink: MOTHER FUCKER!!

Kanye: AHHH! STOP! HELP! GET THIS CRAZY BITCH OFF ME!

Pink: SHE IS A LITTLE FUCKING KID, YOU ASSHOLE!

Kayne: AHHH! THIS IS ALL TAKING PLACE IN YOUR HEAD. MAKE HER STOP!

Me: Nope, don’t think so. I always wanted to see what this would be like. It’s better than I thought.

Kanye: AHHHH!!! SHE GOT A KNIFE!

Pink: DON’T RUN FROM ME YOU LITTLE BITCH! I HAVE DADDY ISSUES!!!

Well I hope you enjoyed this little interview as much as I did.

Jason