When I Worked In A Pawn Shop...

Most conversations I have start with "Have you seen ____________?" (The blank is normally filled in with the latest TV / Movie / You Tube Video.) One I am getting a lot lately is "Have you seen Pawn Stars on the History Channel?" The answer is "Yes". But why am I getting this? Well you have 3 choices:

a.) Cause I enjoy any show on the History Channel NOT about World War 2?
b.) I needed something to fill the void of Jon and Kate Plus 8
c.) I used to work in a Pawn Shop.

If you answered "C", you would be correct.

In college I worked at a Pawn Shop. A "classy” one. The Wal-Mart of Pawn Shops. And in working there I walked away with 2 things: 1.) the ability to insult people's jewelry with its pawn shop value and 2.) A myriad of stories about "The Dirties" or as my Manager used to call them, "Our Customers."

My favorite "Dirty" story had to do with a guy who came in with his six year old son and his six year old son's bike. He needed 10 bucks so that they could have some food. I gave him the ten bucks, and put his bike behind the counter, while his kid sobbed. He made him feel better, by telling him, we were going to fix it. A few minutes later, I went to the convenience store on my break. In the store, I saw the guy I just gave ten bucks to. He was using it to buy himself beer. I never hated myself and someone else simultaneously, so much in my life.

So I have seen the show and I have a few complaints:

#1 - NONE OF THEIR CUSTOMERS LOOK LIKE THE SMELL BAD.
The Dirties were called Dirties for a reason... because they were DIRTY, and thus stunk. Apparently no one who came into the pawn shop I worked at felt the need to shower before hocking their grandmother’s ring or the tools they borrowed from their neighbor and now will never give back.

#2. - WHERE IS THE CRAP?
Most of the people I dealt with only brought in junk, and most of it was broken. We never got a replica of a document with John Hancock's signature or Civil War paraphernalia. No one ever tried to pawn his Indiana Jones whip. No, but I got plenty of 15 year old black and white TVs, or a microwave that leaked radiation or a Craftsman socket wrench set, with half the sockets missing. The latter was usually accompanied by the owner bitching about how he paid 50 bucks for it 20 years ago and why he can't get $75, now.

#3. - WHERE DO YOU GET "EXPERTS"?
We never called in anyone to verify that something really was a musket from the Battle of Yorktown. 95% of our customers thought a musket was a kind of raccoon. Apparently on Pawn Stars, they got experts out the ass. This to me is stupid, because usually the expert comes in tells the customer it’s worth 10 grand at a fancy auction, and then has the Pawn Star offer him 50 bucks for it. I'd lose the experts.

#4. - NONE OF THE CUSTOMERS SEEM OVERTLY STUPID.
Let's be honest, if you are pawning shit, you made a serious career miscalculation. Our customers were not only NOT the sharpest knives in the drawer, some of them were fucking spoons. I had one guy come in with this huge gold chain. To test gold, you have to pour this acid on it. If it sits like water, it’s gold. If it turns green and bubbles its fake. We were told it was harmless, but it will most likely be the true source of the cancer that kills me.

Anyway, so I take his chain, and pour the acid on it. It turns BRIGHT green. Its super fake. So I tell the guy that. He replies "Man I paid $300 bucks for that out of some guy's trunk. Do you think the gold brick I bought from him is fake too?" That's right. He was unsure if the GOLD BRICK he bought OUT OF A GUY'S TRUNK, was real.

#5 - NO ONE PAWNS
My Dad runs a pawn shop, and when I asked him about the show his response was "they just buy, they don't pawn anything." He has a point. My Dad knows his customers. He knows the toothless 45 year old stripper most likely will not pick up that Charles Lindbergh propeller, when gets her rifle out of hock. He doesn't buy stupid shit. Because the alcoholic who pawns his tools on Friday so he can go out and drink, will not be interested in World War 2 War Bonds posters. He keeps it simple, jewelry, tools, guns, TV's and South African Krugerrand. If you have 24kt Gold, South African Krugerrand, look him up. He can't get enough of it.

I wish the pawn shop I worked in was half as cool as the one on Pawn Stars, because after a while it makes it hard to watch. I can't help but be jealous watching the guy who comes in with a Civil War era West Point jacket, when I had to figure how much some one's gold teeth were worth.

It’s a good show. I'm just saying, as an ex-Pawn Shop Man, for a reality show, it’s not very realistic.

Jason