Yo Joe! Cover Girl Deserved Better!

Welcome to G.I. Joe! Your code name is “Cover Girl”. You work for a super secret military force made up of the finest operatives from around the world. You don’t ask to join, we ask you. To be a member you have to be the best of the best of the best. Your position? Secretary. Yo Joe!

So yeah I saw G.I. Joe over the weekend. I won’t bore you with a review. Its one of those movies where if you think about it, it makes less and less sense. Actually what I was struck by was not so much the main characters, but the supporting characters. Try watching a James Bond or Star Wars movie and remember that each of the Villain’s henchmen, had a mother and a father and maybe a wife and kids somewhere. Imagine some poor Stormtrooper who took that job on the Death Star because he didn’t finish high school and got some poor girl on Hoth pregnant. Kinda makes James Bond or Luke Skywalker look like assholes.

Well that is the way I felt about poor Courtney Kreiger code name Cover Girl in G.I. Joe. Here is back story:
“Prior to joining G.I. Joe, Cover Girl was a highly successful fashion model from Peoria, Illinois who graced the covers of countless magazines, but she found the world of modeling unfulfilling and joined the army to seek out new challenges in life.”

And her new life of adventure… Dennis Quaid’s fucking secretary. So let me get this straight… She had a job where people only cared about her looks. She wants to make a difference in the world so she joined the army. She gives up a life of relative ease. Joins the army, goes through boot camp, graduates at the top of her class, and then…. She get asked to join a super secret military group, G.I. JOE and order office supplies

Does she get to fly all the cool planes? Does she get to use any of the cool gadgets like the invisible suit? Does she get to fire any of the cool space age weapons? No, she gets to go into Dennis Quaid’s office every ten minutes and figure out why he can’t open his e-mail.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

Here is Cover Girl’s average day:
COVER GIRL: How was the mission Duke?
DUKE: It was good. We used the new laser jet to destroy Cobra’s nanotech missiles. What’d you do?
COVER GIRL: Oh I sync’d up General Hawk’s iPhone with his Microsoft Outlook. Then I sorted the mail.
DUKE: Well we were gonna get some beers? Wanna come?
COVER GIRL: Sorry, I have a lot of expense reports to file.

G.I. Joe has women on it’s team, so its not like they are a sexist organization. If all women in GI Joe were secretaries that would be different, but they aren’t. Apparently Scarlett's evaluation was that she would be good with a laser cross bow. Cover Girl’s evaluation apparently went like this:
“Cover Girl huh? Guess her cover can be as a model that infiltrates fancy dinner parties.”
“I don’t know… Have you seen she types 90 words a minute?”

Poor thing. This is her life of adventure, a desk job. A desk job in the desert, so she can’t even go outside. Talk about your poor career choices. She should use her military combat training to kick the crap out of her high school guidance counselor. At least then she would get to use some of it.

And to add insult to injury… She gets killed in the first attack on the G.I. Joe headquarters while asking Dennis Quaid to sign some papers. She gets stabbed, no lie, through the heart and through her clipboard. It’d be poetic if it were not so sad.

Cover Girl, you deserved better. You at least deserved something better to defend yourself than a clip board and Bic pen.

At least Cover Girl you will be spared being in the sequel, and having to pick up Dennis Quaid’s dry-cleaning.

R.I.P. Cover Girl

Jason