Can’t We Just Say “The Movies Suck"?

I hate this. I was reading an article called “Sequel Fatigue: Are Movie Watchers Getting Tired Of The Same Old Story?” it is one of numerous articles out now about, as one anonymous studio executive put it:

“There very well could be some burnout with moviegoers, who are looking for something new and fresh.”

This has all come about because Sex in the City 2 has not done as well as the studios had thought it would. Yes people didn’t go see Sex in the City 2 because they don’t like sequels. I am sure it has nothing to do with four late forty-somethings looking ridiculous drinking and gallivanting around in a country where it is legal for a man to beat his wife and Dubai. Why can’t we all just say the real reason why not that many people saw it… it looks like it a bad movie.

It reminds me of the summer of 2003 when Finding Nemo and Pirates of the Caribbean came out. I read an article where a similar anonymous studio executive explained that the reason those movies did so well, its that “moviegoers really like movies about water” Not that those movie were better or more entertaining. Nope, people just like movies about water. As if there was some Pavlovian response to seeing a commercial for a film with water in it, and running to the theaters to see what ever the hell it was. Kevin Costner should have saved Waterworld until 2003, he could have made a killing apparently.

Now I preface this with saying I am not the target audience for Sex in the City 2, but I saw the trailers and honestly, it looked bad. It looked stupid. The running joke when ever I or one of my friends saw the trailer was “Oh look they made a Golden Girls movie.” (R.I.P Rue McClanahan). And yes while I am not the target audience, I have a fiancé, she has friends, and none of them wanted to see it either. And the reason why has nothing to do with hating movies with titles that include a number at the end. It had to do with… IT LOOKS LIKE A BAD MOVIE.”

And here is the other dirty little secret no one likes to admit. Movies have gotten expensive. We saw Shrek 4 last weekend, and it costs $22 bucks and we didn’t even see the 3D version. (Those are $15 a piece.) What used to be a way to kill a couple hours during the day, has now become an investment. If I am gonna sink that much money into something, it only stands to reason, I want a good return on my investment. Why would I “waste” my money on something I do not have to do and I am not going to enjoy? If I am gonna pay to see a movie, I want a sure thing.

Ironic because the "sure thing" is why we get the never ending cavalcade of sequels, reboots and remakes. Because if you are an Anonymous Studio Exec that is going to sink 150 million into a movie, again you want a good return on your investment. Anonymous Studio Exec thinking before was "People only like what they know..." now its "People only like new and fresh..." Oh why can't people make up their mind! Life must have been so much simpler when people only liked movies about water.

Money and the movies look bad are the reasons I don’t see movies in the theaters. I wanted to see MacGuber but I heard it was bad, and I didn’t want to waste the money. People told me Robin Hood was no good, so I didn’t waste my money seeing that. Prince of Persia, Marmaduke and Just Wright all look God awful, so I probably won’t pay to see those either. And movies I am curious about like Get Him to the Greek or Splice… well they will be on Netflix in 3 months, and that only cost me 10 bucks a month.

So in response to the Anonymous Studio Exec, the reason I am not seeing movies is not because I want something "new and fresh". Don’t get me wrong that would be nice. The reason I am not seeing movies in the theater is because I can order a pizza and watch Netflix for what it costs to go see a movie in a movie theater. And…

Your Movies Suck.

Jason

Thank You, A.O.Scott. Now I Understand the Tea Baggers.

I had a strange epiphany this weekend. I was watching my Sunday morning shows, and on between "Meet the Press" and MSNBC’s all day Dateline Murder Mystery Marathon, was a little show called “At the Movies”.

Now this was not the show of my youth. That show had Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert on it, and I watched it mostly to see them disagree. Well Gene Siskel is no longer with us and Roger Ebert now just does print. (Which if you get a chance, read him, he’s brilliant.) So now “At the Movies” is populated by A.O Scott from the New York Times and Michael Phillips from the Chicago Tribune. Both good critics, but they don’t have the fire of Siskel and Ebert.

Anyway, I tuned in because they were going to review a movie I was thinking of seeing, “Kick-Ass”. They hated it. They also hated “The Joneses” and “The Perfect Game”, two movies I had only slightly heard of. The only one they liked was a foreign film called “The Secret In Their Eyes”. Now “The Secret In Their Eyes”, you have never heard of, and after this you will probably never hear of it again. It’s a film from Argentina, without Penelope Cruz, or Antonio Banderes. It won a lot of awards including the Oscar for Best Foreign Language film. It has everything that serious film critics love.

Now I am sure it is a great movie, but I was sitting there going “Really?” I don’t think that “Kick-Ass” is the second coming or anything. But on a show reviewing movies for the general population, the only one you like is the obscure foreign language film. What you didn’t like was the brightly colored, ultra violent popcorn film made for the masses. Made for, dare I say, AMERICANS. REAL AMERICANS.

It made start thinking of Film Critics, and how they generally don’t like the sort of mass produced loud blockbuster films with lots of explosions and robots that turn into trucks. They seem to favor smaller films. Films that make you think or worse read. Films that are not made in America. These critics are sort of elitists. They are the intelligentsia telling us, regular Americans that our movies about blue people on another planet are not as good as THEIR movies. Ya know, THEIR movies, the ones we don’t want to see, because we don’t like to read. (Unless they are Kung Fu movies and we really don’t care what they are actually saying anyway.)

And why don’t they like OUR movies? Why aren’t our movies good enough for them? I’ll tell you why. These elitists films critics think they know better than us due to their years of “experience” and extensive “knowledge” of films and film making. And now on shows like “At the Movies” and in the liberal New York Times, they are trying to recommend, nay SHOVE their movies down our throats. Some of these movies, I have read on the internet, are from socialist countries. That is right, socialism. Film critics = socialism.

So Tea Baggers, I get it now. I am awake for the first time. I am tired of having these elite socialists shove their film agendas down my throat, with their complex characters and interesting stories. If I wanted to see a foreign film, I would just wait until it is remade in America, with an American cast, and most likely Ashton Kutcher. No, I am an American, and in AMERICA we only watch movies where things blow up, and people eat poop. And I am not going to have some group of elitists and their films panels tell me I shouldn’t. It’s my God given right to waste my money on movies where all the good parts are in the trailer. It’s in Constitution, which was written on July 4^th, 1776.

It’s time to take our country back from these film elites. Am I saying A.O. Scott is like Hitler? Not that I would ever admit if cornered by a respected journalist. But A.O. Scott is an elite, and he recommends movies from socialist countries. If the Tea Party Movement has taught us anything, you become like Hitler if you are a socialist, and you become a socialist anytime you embrace something from a socialist country, like universal health care. That is not just me, that is science, which I don’t believe in because I am a Christian. I also have on good authority A.O. Scott was born in Kenya. Is there any documentation saying he was? No, but there is also not any documentation saying that we was not, that I would believe.

Sure, there were movies in the past that these elite film critics recommended that I saw and liked. Also there were huge summer blockbusters that they told me were bad and they were much worse than they said. But I don’t remember that, because I choose not to and it does not serve my argument.

So let’s get this revolution started. Let’s get Real Americans reviewing films. Let's get people reviewing films that have no extensive knowledge of film. Let’s get rid of the people who don’t like a performance, because it is clichéd or dishonest. Let’s get people who like a performance because the lead actress is “hot” and male lead “kicks ass”. Let’s get rid of the people who dislike a movie because the CGI is distracting, and there is no story. Let’s get more people who recommend a movie because “that part where the two dudes were fighting was kinda cool.”

With that Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” will sweep the Oscars. Not because it was the best film of the year, but because the masses liked it. And if Taylor Hicks winning "American Idol" taught us anything, it’s that the masses are always right.

Jason

Lee-Jackson-King Day

Recently my sister posed this question: "So how about that Confederate History Month for Virginia?" and I had a response... and then The Daily Show did ten minutes on it.

ROT IN HELL STEWART!!!

So Jon Stewart beat me to the comedic punch and did it much better. Well he didn't beat me to the punch on this... LEE-JACKSON-KING DAY.

You see the Commonwealth of Virginia enacting a Confederate History Month does not surprise me. I lived in Richmond Virginia when I was in high school, and up until about 10 years ago, The South most of my life. I was born in Pensacola Florida, the City of Five Flags. One of those flags is the Confederate. I'm just saying when people in the North joke about how the South is the still fighting the Civil War... well its kinda not a joke.

So Lee -Jackson-King Day was a State holiday celebrated on January 15 until 2000. This was the day that Virginia chose to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr, who fought and died for Civil Rights and Robert E. Lee and Thomas J. "Stonewall" Jackson, who fought to keep black people slaves.

"Whuh?" You say? "How did that happen?" Here is how it happened.

"Lee Day" created in 1889, and it celebrated Robert E. Lee's birthday on January 19. In 1904 Stonewall Jackson's name was added, creating Lee-Jackson Day. Then in 1983 that dirty liberal President RONALD REAGAN, approved an Act of Congress declaring January 15 to be a national holiday in honor of Martin Luther King. So the Virginia legislature simply combined King's celebration with the existing Lee-Jackson holiday, creating LEE-JACKSON-KING DAY. See how Ronald Reagan screwed up everything?

So yeah, instead of having two holidays, The Commonwealth thought it better to combine a day to celebrate two CONFEDERATE GENERALS with MARTIN LUTHER KING. And the best part? The whole time I lived in Virgina, most people I talked to NEVER SAW THE IRONY IN THAT.

I would say "Isn't it weird we celebrate Martin Luther King Day with Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson?" And the response usually was "No.. Oh... Yeah?" I guess people were just happy to have the day off and didn't really care. I was too, but I did giggle a bit when I was reminded we didn't have to go to school on Monday because it was "Lee-Jackson-King Day."

So that you don't think the Commonwealth is completely in the dark ages, in 2000 Governor Jim Gilmore proposed splitting Lee-Jackson-King Day into two separate holidays. The measure was approved and the two holidays are now celebrated separately. Lee-Jackson Day is celebrated on the Friday before, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and only the state offices are closed. Then on Monday, Virgina celebrates Martin Luther King Day with the rest of us who work for companies that consider it a real holiday and give us the day off. So if you work for the DMV in Virginia, you get a 4 day weekend. But if you work in an office in say... Chicago... you don't get it off.

With that history I am not surprised that Virginia's current Governor McDonnell has enacted Confederate History Month. I mean this is the same state that celebrated Lee-Jackson-King day for 17 years. And normally I would write the state off like Texas or South Carolina (there may be no hope for them). But Virgina can be very progressive. Virgina elected the first black governor in the United States, Douglas Wilder in 1989, back when Barack Obama was still in college. Virgina actually went blue for Obama in the 2008 Election. And then George Allen while running for Senate calls some guy a "macaca" and everything is back up in the air again.

So to answer my sister's question: "So how about that Confederate History Month for Virginia?" I think its a bad idea. I think it is cynical and the Governor is pandering to a group of people who were already upset that Martin Luther King gets a holiday, anyway. People who already proudly display a Confederate flag behind the gun rack of their pick up trucks. You know the people Sarah Palin calls "The Real Americans", the ones who think Obama is from Kenya and that he is going to take away their God given right to FISH.

And I kinda don't get the point. I mean, why would "Real Americans" want a month to celebrate soldiers who fought AGAINST the United States. I don't see a huge want for The British History Month and Virgina was part of England much longer than it was part of the Confederacy. But Governor McDonnell will probably never sign off on a month to celebrate the sacrifices soldiers made in the French and Indian War. Or the brave British soldiers who died fighting AGAINST America in the War of 1812.

Nope this just a cynical Governor pandering for votes after his one term limit is up, and he tries to run for Senator or for Congress. I'd tell these people to wake up, because they are being used. But they wouldn't listen to me, and honestly, I don't care.

Besides who am I to talk, Illinois let former Governor Rod Blagojevich go before he could enact "Prohibition Era Gangster Appreciation Month".

Jason

A Better Class of Trollop

I find myself saying this more and more as I grow older: "Man when I was younger, stuff like this didn't happen." It seems to seep into almost every part of my life. I see something and am amazed/disgusted by it and continue on to the next thing. My current cause for amazement / disgust... Celebrity Affairs.

What has happened to the time honored tradition of a wealthy celebrity husband stepping out on his wife? I have seen Mad Men; there is etiquette to it. The Man steps out on his wife with some beatnik or school teacher, the wife finds out, he sleeps on the couch for a while, but she eventually takes him back because it’s the 1960's and being in a love less marriage beats the social chagrin of being... DIVORCED. Ok maybe Mad Men is a bad example.

Look at Tiger Woods and Jessie James. They follow in the footsteps of a long line of rich guys who cheated on their hot wives. But to me what seems to be different about these two in particular is... well the lack of class of the women they chose. In Jessie's case some crazy tattooed "model" and in Tiger's a series of porn stars and would be actresses. Seriously?

But in the 1960's, John F. Kennedy cheated on Jackie with Marilyn Monroe. MARILYN FRICKIN' MONROE. He didn't throw a rock and sleep with the gnarliest porn star he could find within three blocks. No, he got arguably the hottest woman in the world at that time. In the being unfaithful department, he had a little thing called "class". Tiger and Jessie should look into that, because they are no Jack Kennedy.

Say what you want about Bill Clinton cheating beneath him with Monica Lewinsky, at least Monica kept her mouth shut. These trollups today have turned cheating into a cottage industry. It used to be the only way to be a tramp and be "famous" was to be on VH-1's Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. Now all you have to do is sleep with a married celebrity. There are NEWS outlets, which are willing to pay not only for their stories but copies of their "Texts" and Sexts." It's disgusting.

And do you know who the real victims are here? The women who slept with celebrity husbands prior to Internet gossip sites. Divine Brown, she has to be kicking herself for not waiting until Perez Hilton.com was around to get arrested with Hugh Grant. Heidi Fleiss never had a chance to tell Gawker.com about the number of times Charlie Sheen employed one of her girls. You remember the woman who broke up Michael Douglas's marriage? Neither do I. I can't even Google her. And the reason no one knows her identity is because there was no Access Hollywood in 1993.

Don't get me wrong, I do not feel sorry for and am not defending these scumbags who cheated on their wives. I think they deserve every STD they get. I just hate watching a bad situation made worse when Tiger's Number 8 mistress, sells her voice mail from Tiger to TMZ.

It makes me yearn for the good old days, of cigars and a stain on a blue dress.

And I never thought I would miss that.

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS SEASON THREE FINALE!

Episode 18 - "Revelations". In the Season Three Finale, Jack and the Ghost Raiders take the fight right to the Ghost Hounders. While Jack fights it out with Steve, Gary and Becky find out who has been spying on them, and the surprising identity of the Shadowy Figure behind it all.




And catch up on all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

AND STAY TUNED FOR SEASON 4

NEW GHOST RAIDERS!! "STATIC"

Episode 17 - "Static". After their once in a lifetime ghost footage is destroyed, Jack ponders the future of Ghost Raiders. Becky tells Gary her secret. The tide turns in Liz and Hoff's favor. Troy makes a discovery that sends Jack into action.

And catch up on all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

GHOST RAIDERS EPISODE 16 - Their "Biggest Ghost Yet"

Episode 16 - "Revenge of the Turds" After being bested by a rival ghost investigation group, The Ghost Raiders begin to look into possible leaks within their organization. Becky has an idea that may lead The Ghost Raiders to their biggest ghost yet.

And catch up on all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

Ghost Raiders of the Drunken Arthur - ONLINE NOW!

Episode 15 - "Ghost Raiders of the Drunken Arthur"
Jack and Gary get used to their new team member.

Gary uses his pull in the "Twilight" fan community to get a lead on the ghost.

And catch up on all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES FOR THE LATEST GHOST RAIDERS?

Episode 14 - "Auditions"

With part of the team disbanded, Jack and Gary try to find people who can help them find the ghost they are after. Becky Singer, seems to be just what they are looking for, but is all she appears to be?



And catch up on all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

GHOST RAIDERS IS BACK!

Check out Episode 13 - "Now What?"
As Season Three begins, THE Ghost Raiders are about to make one of the biggest ghost finds of their career. As they get closer, Jack and Gary discover there are forces not only trying to steal their ghost location, but out to destroy The Ghost Raiders all together!



And catch up on all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

Not So Fast Robert Pattinson...

So its 2010. A new year, a new decade. A time of new beginnings.

It being 2010, it made me think back to 2000 and how things in my life are different, and expectations of what I thought the bulk of my 30's would bring, that sort of thing. Things that I have now that I didn't have ten years ago. Things I thought would be huge that didn't really pan out.

It was in this spirit that I decided to do some cleaning, Celebrity cleaning. I am not sure why I choose to pick on people who, even if they are "not famous" they are more famous than I will ever be. Oh I remember now, I am kind of a smarmy asshole. So here is my list of things that ten years ago seemed like sure thing and well.. the last ten years happened.

Like this guy Jason Biggs.
Remember him? The American Pie kid? Back in 1999 wasn't he supposed to be the Future of Comedy? TeenHollywood.com certainly did in October, 2000. In fact they said of him:

"Jason Biggs future looks bright. The young actor can work any role. His only fear is "being forever known as the kid who had sex with an apple pie," but with all of his upcoming projects, that does not seem likely."

I am sure this is the first and only time TeenHollywood.com was ever wrong. Stop crying Taylor Lautner.

Speaking of American Pie, remember Mena Suvari?
This picture of her was everywhere in 1999. It only stood to reason that "Naked Rose Petal Girl" would be around all over the place for the next ten years, right? And then what? Some crappy movies and now she only gets press when she shaves her head. After American Beauty she was supposed to be the next big thing, and then Kate Hudson showed up and was. Oh well.


How about J.C. Chasez? I mean N'Sync was huge ten years ago. And now 10 years later only Justin Timberlake has managed keep up that level of fame. You think he wakes up in the morning and just wants to beat Justin by his blonde afro? Maybe J. C. should have learned to beat box. And yes Lance Bass and Joey Fatone aren't making guest appearances on SNL, at least they have done other things. But J.C. was the OTHER lead singer in N'Sync, he should have been at least as big as Nick Lachey, right? Sure J.C., he did a few crappy albums, but now he is in danger of being another Chris Kirkpatrick. (Chris Kirkpatrick is the other guy in N'Sync no one remembers or gives a crap about.)


The Matrix Sequels. Man The Matrix was awesome. Great flick. It was the reason a lot of people bought DVD players. And then they made those 2 other ones. WOW. Could they have sucked more? I mean you gave the 2nd one a little leeway, because you figured the third one would explain all the things about the 2nd one that didn't make sense or contradicted the first one. Nope. Third one just sucked more. At least George Lucas set us up for the prequels sucking with Phantom Menace. Never saw that coming with The Matrix. Good news is, most people have forgotten there were 2 other movies. Seriously, next time you go to a party bring up The Matrix, and see if the following 2 things happen: 1.) If they even bring up the other two and 2.) if they do bring them up, see how long they talk about them until they say how much they suck. Say what you want about them, but I doubt Family Guy will devote special episodes to them.


M. Night Shyamalan, He was supposed to be the next Hitchcock. Remember how awesome The Sixth Sense was too? Remember how Unbreakable was OK, but not as good as Sixth Sense. Now do you remember his other movies? Yeah you do, and if you even saw them, I doubt the word "suck" would be left out of your opinion of them. What the hell happened? Did we just get tired of the twist? Or was it that we knew the twist was coming? Either way. His Aughts didn't pan out. Hopefully the tens will be better.


And finally Tara Reid. She gets a special mention. Now Tara has kept herself in the spotlight, but not the way she was supposed to. She started the 00's doing movies with Robert Altman and ended it by posing in Playboy to show everyone how she fixed her botched plastic surgeries. I was in a 7-11 the other night and I showed my Fiancee the Playboy with her on it. She pointed to Tara's chest and said, "Remember those aren't real." I laughed and point to all of Tara and said "Baby, none of that is real."

I write this as a warning to the Robert Patinsons, Taylor Swifts, and Snookis of 2009. Your future is not written yet, and people with as much talent and promise as you where right where you are ten years ago. People said awesome things and then just as awesomely awful things, and then they said nothing. Next thing you know its ten years later and some jerk like me is bad-mouthing you on a blog no one reads.

Enjoy the TENS!

Jason

TOP THINGS OVER HEARD AT CHRISTMAS

As the end of the year goes comes I thought I would get into the spirit by counting down the top funny things uttered during my trip home to see my Mom.

10. "Baby, why won't your vagina let you put the cup in the cup holder?" Me to my girlfriend as she was trying to drive and put her drink back in the drink holder. I eventually became the designated cup in the cup holder person.

9. "The computer hates me." My sister's explanation for her score after Wii Bowling.

8. "So the thing that bothers you about this movie, is that the aircraft carrier about to smash the White House, is not to scale?" Me, while discussing with my sister, something she felt was unbelievable about the movie 2012.

7. "What time are we leaving?" "Around 7." "Seriously?" My sister and I in discussing how soon we would leave out from our hotel room in Strongsville Ohio.

6. "Wii Bowl?" My parents got a Wii recently, so there was a lot of Wii Bowling happening.

5. "I'm sorry I gave her a ring instead of a Wii". I proposed to my girlfriend over Christmas, before we went to my Mom's and before I saw have much she loved playing Wii.

4. "53 - 32" My Stepdad pronouncing his age, followed by the size of his jeans. All thanks to his "Assman" diet.

3. "About nine hours..." This seemed to be said every time on the drive there, when we "figured" out how much longer we had left.

2. "OK, so we are all farting in the car now, right?" My baby sister announcing to the car, and then rapidly figuring out that, nope, she was the only one.

1. "Oh, just go get a vibrator" My mother to my baby sister after her phone kept going off. She mean to say "put it on vibrate", but that is not what she said. Needless to say she will never hear the end of it.

Ah family and the holidays...

I love those guys.

Jason

When I Worked In A Pawn Shop...

Most conversations I have start with "Have you seen ____________?" (The blank is normally filled in with the latest TV / Movie / You Tube Video.) One I am getting a lot lately is "Have you seen Pawn Stars on the History Channel?" The answer is "Yes". But why am I getting this? Well you have 3 choices:

a.) Cause I enjoy any show on the History Channel NOT about World War 2?
b.) I needed something to fill the void of Jon and Kate Plus 8
c.) I used to work in a Pawn Shop.

If you answered "C", you would be correct.

In college I worked at a Pawn Shop. A "classy” one. The Wal-Mart of Pawn Shops. And in working there I walked away with 2 things: 1.) the ability to insult people's jewelry with its pawn shop value and 2.) A myriad of stories about "The Dirties" or as my Manager used to call them, "Our Customers."

My favorite "Dirty" story had to do with a guy who came in with his six year old son and his six year old son's bike. He needed 10 bucks so that they could have some food. I gave him the ten bucks, and put his bike behind the counter, while his kid sobbed. He made him feel better, by telling him, we were going to fix it. A few minutes later, I went to the convenience store on my break. In the store, I saw the guy I just gave ten bucks to. He was using it to buy himself beer. I never hated myself and someone else simultaneously, so much in my life.

So I have seen the show and I have a few complaints:

#1 - NONE OF THEIR CUSTOMERS LOOK LIKE THE SMELL BAD.
The Dirties were called Dirties for a reason... because they were DIRTY, and thus stunk. Apparently no one who came into the pawn shop I worked at felt the need to shower before hocking their grandmother’s ring or the tools they borrowed from their neighbor and now will never give back.

#2. - WHERE IS THE CRAP?
Most of the people I dealt with only brought in junk, and most of it was broken. We never got a replica of a document with John Hancock's signature or Civil War paraphernalia. No one ever tried to pawn his Indiana Jones whip. No, but I got plenty of 15 year old black and white TVs, or a microwave that leaked radiation or a Craftsman socket wrench set, with half the sockets missing. The latter was usually accompanied by the owner bitching about how he paid 50 bucks for it 20 years ago and why he can't get $75, now.

#3. - WHERE DO YOU GET "EXPERTS"?
We never called in anyone to verify that something really was a musket from the Battle of Yorktown. 95% of our customers thought a musket was a kind of raccoon. Apparently on Pawn Stars, they got experts out the ass. This to me is stupid, because usually the expert comes in tells the customer it’s worth 10 grand at a fancy auction, and then has the Pawn Star offer him 50 bucks for it. I'd lose the experts.

#4. - NONE OF THE CUSTOMERS SEEM OVERTLY STUPID.
Let's be honest, if you are pawning shit, you made a serious career miscalculation. Our customers were not only NOT the sharpest knives in the drawer, some of them were fucking spoons. I had one guy come in with this huge gold chain. To test gold, you have to pour this acid on it. If it sits like water, it’s gold. If it turns green and bubbles its fake. We were told it was harmless, but it will most likely be the true source of the cancer that kills me.

Anyway, so I take his chain, and pour the acid on it. It turns BRIGHT green. Its super fake. So I tell the guy that. He replies "Man I paid $300 bucks for that out of some guy's trunk. Do you think the gold brick I bought from him is fake too?" That's right. He was unsure if the GOLD BRICK he bought OUT OF A GUY'S TRUNK, was real.

#5 - NO ONE PAWNS
My Dad runs a pawn shop, and when I asked him about the show his response was "they just buy, they don't pawn anything." He has a point. My Dad knows his customers. He knows the toothless 45 year old stripper most likely will not pick up that Charles Lindbergh propeller, when gets her rifle out of hock. He doesn't buy stupid shit. Because the alcoholic who pawns his tools on Friday so he can go out and drink, will not be interested in World War 2 War Bonds posters. He keeps it simple, jewelry, tools, guns, TV's and South African Krugerrand. If you have 24kt Gold, South African Krugerrand, look him up. He can't get enough of it.

I wish the pawn shop I worked in was half as cool as the one on Pawn Stars, because after a while it makes it hard to watch. I can't help but be jealous watching the guy who comes in with a Civil War era West Point jacket, when I had to figure how much some one's gold teeth were worth.

It’s a good show. I'm just saying, as an ex-Pawn Shop Man, for a reality show, it’s not very realistic.

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS - TRAILER

GHOST RAIDERS
SEASON THREE TRAILER



The new season beings January 2010.
Catch Up on Old Episodes at www.theghostraiders.com

"Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr Drew"... Uh Celebrity?

So I watched two TV shows last night. That is actually not true I watched tons of TV last night. But the two shows that really struck me were, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew and To Catch a Predator Raw.

For the three of you who don’t know, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew is just like Celebrity Rehab, except the celebrities are sex addicts as opposed to addicted to opiates. ("Opiates" is a term I learned only from watching Celebrity Rehab). So Sex Rehab is filled with such house hold names as Penny Flame, James Lovett, Nicole Narain, Kari Ann Peniche, Kendra Jade Rossi, Duncan Roy, Amber Smith, and Phil Varone.

That is right those people are “celebrities”. Now while I realize that no A, B, C, or D-List actress or actor with aspirations to appear in anything again other than Celebrity Rehab 2, Celebrity Sober House would want to appear on this show. But how can any one in good conscience call these people celebrities? They might as well be the cast of The Real World: Omaha, for all I know. I only know they are celebrities because the show calls them that.

And for nine people I have never heard of, they certainly have a bizarre sense of entitlement. Little did I know that being the ex-drummer of Skid Row or having made a sex tape with a guy on Grey’s Anatomy who is not Patrick Dempsey entitled you to such perks, as not participating in the rehab you signed up for.

It's so stupid. I know people who are more famous than these people and they are not famous at all. One friend of mine was in “How She Move”. That is at least a movie I have heard of. Another friend of mine knows someone who was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Should these two friends become opiate or sex addicts, I think they are more than qualified to be a “celebrity” on VH-1.

This brings me to someone who should be on Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, John Kennelly. Never heard of John Kennelly, I bet you have. Even if you are not a big fan of the show he is on, or have seen it, I bet a friend of yours has and told you about it.

John Kennelly was on one of the first Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator. I consider him the star of this episode. For the 5 people who don’t know about To Catch a Predator, here is the story. This group called Perverted Justice goes on line posing as underage teens to and tries to root out adults who are trying to meet up and have sex with said underage teens. They then set up a meeting at a house, where Chris Hanson and Dateline meet these guys and record it for the show.

Of this group of sick dirt bags, John Kennelly is a special case. In his episode, he showed up naked at the Dateline house and sat in the kitchen. Chris Hanson comes in and reads him his transcript of what he said in his online chat and confronts him about his intentions. The segment ends with him putting on his underwear and leaving the house.

That would normally be it, but in the next segment, you find out the next day, that the same guy, John Kennelly is back in the chat rooms again. He is after another underage teen boy, and has set up another meeting at a local McDonalds. So Chris Hanson and Dateline show up and confront him again. It’s unreal.

So I am watching this episode last night with my girlfriend, and I just yell out at the screen, “Now this guy should be on Sex Rehab!” And then it hit me, HE COULD.

If we go by the VH-1 “celebrity” qualifiers, he certainly fits the bill:

a) Been on TV before? Check
b) Has a sexual issue and needs help? Check

c) He is someone most people have never heard of? DOUBLE CHECK

I guess the only thing keeping him from being on Sex Rehab is that he is not some guilt ridden former porn star. No he actually has a sick and twisted sexual problem and probably deserves to be in jail rather than being pampered on a reality show.

But who knows, James Lovett got on.

Jason

Stop Complaining For The Wrong Reasons

I am a world class complainer. I mean I am good. To paraphrase the Marlon Brando line from The Wild Bunch, "What do I complain about?"

"What do you got?"

It with this doctorate in bitching that I am flummoxed by all the people bitching about The President winning The Noble Peace Prize. It started with a sign of the Apocalypse. I AGREED With Mr. William O'Reilly.



I know, nuts right? When did Bill O'Reilly become such a hippie? It won't last long, the comments on the Fox website pretty much lambasted Bill and then continued with the normal Obama is a Kenyan-Socialist-Marxist-Nazi talk.

Bill has a point (we agree on one thing so I can now call him Bill). President Obama really hasn't done anything. With all of the people on the Right complaining about Obama, Bill was the only complaining who made any sense. Who would have thought that would happen?

This comes a week after Chicago didn't get the Olympics. See those same people calling the Nobel committee a joke while forgetting Mother Teresa also got a Nobel prize , and are rattling off Yasser Arafat as an example of how the Nobel committee is out of touch, also spent Friday October 2nd, celebrating Chicago losing The Olympics to Rio. That really pissed me off.

All because Obama was going to Copenhagen, Rush Limbaugh and every Fox News pundit, and the retards on Fox and Friends (calling those people on Fox & Friends pundits is an insult to pundits) spent the week badmouthing Chicago. "Why would you want the Olympics THERE?!" "What a HORRIBLE place for the Olympics?" "Chicago is too corrupt for the Olympics!" Fuck those Fox assholes, and Rush.

I live in Chicago, its a great city. Well the North Side is. I wouldn't know about the South Side because I am too scared to go there. When you live in Chicago, you learn to root for anything from Chicago. Obama runs for President, you root for him. Blackhawks are up for the Stanley Cup, you root for them. Jennifer Hudson up for an Oscar, you root for her. White Sox up for the World Series... Well... The Cubs are really gonna do it next year. Point is when Chicago is up for the Olympics, you don't root for Rio. And you certainly don't bad mouth Chicago.

That said, not all of Chicago was for the Olympics being here. And this is were Rush and the Fox guys got it wrong. They wanted to make it all about Obama, when if they would have just asked someone from Chicago, hell asked ANYONE from Chicago, they would have told them all the REAL reasons the Olympics shouldn't be here. How about how the Mayor has not ruled out having taxpayers pay for the Olympics if it lost money? Or how a lot of the new construction would ruin lake front? Or how Landlords were already talking about not honoring leases so that they could rent apartments to people coming into town for the Olympics?

But nobody did that. Instead they all crapped on Chicago. For that I hope they all choke on Chicago style Vienna Beef Hot Dog. I especially hope Sean Hannity chokes on two of them while fantasizing they are the penises of George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan.

Its the same thing with the Nobel peace prize. Obama's lack of experience is not the reason they should be bitching. They should be bitching because it should have gone to Bono from U2.

That's right, I said it.

Bono deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

Its not for all of his humanitarian work or his work to end debt in Africa. Those are all worthy causes. No the reason he needs to get it is, to paraphrase Glenn Beck... I WANT MY U2 BACK. (insert girl like weeping here.)

See for the better part of a decade Bono has been up for the Nobel Peace Prize and not so incoincidentally, for the better part of a decade, U2's albums have sucked. Its my theory that the Nobel is a distraction for Bono and it is keeping him from doing really good albums like Joshua Tree, or Unforgettable Fire or Achtung Baby, hell even Zooropa. Pop in Joshua Tree if you don't believe me, aside from "Bullet the Blue Sky", its still awesome. Certainly better than anything on the new album.

So I am pleading with the Nobel committee to just give Bono his prize. That way he can stop trying to earn it and make better U2 albums.

Or he could just run for President.

We can all agree that would work, right?

Jason

Sundays With John, Paul, George, Ringo & Dad

I have always been a Beatles fan. Its one of the few Father-Son activities that did NOT traumatize me. I am a Beatles Fan because of my Dad.

Almost every Sunday morning when I was a kid, my Dad would play Beatles albums. He would either be reading the paper or making breakfast or both. I am not sure why he did it, or why my mother let him do it, but he did.

He had them on vinyl and played them on one of those big console stereos. You know those ones that we like 4 feet long, made of wood, and you would open the top and record player would be inside. If your parents didn't have one, your grandparents probably did.

I thought he had tons of albums, but he only had one actual album Revolver. The rest were compilations albums like Hey Jude, Beatles ’65 and Beatles IV, which were all made up of different singles and B-sides.

So that was my first exposure to The Beatles. The rest until I came into my own as a fan was scatter shot. I remember asking who John Lennon was and why it was one the news that he died. I was told because "he was a Beatle". It didn’t register much for me. I think I was much more invested in whether Han Solo would die after being frozen in carbonite. Although to bring those two worlds together, I remember thinking it was sad that he died, because now he would never get to see the next Star Wars movie. Thankfully John Lennon was spared the Ewoks.

The next piece came when HBO started showing Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. My sister and I thought it was great. I remember my Dad sort of proudly showing me The Beatles album in the store. I also remember turning my nose up at it because all the songs were by The Beatles and not by The Bee Gees and Peter Frampton. Thankfully I got over my Bee Gees over Beatles phase.

It wasn’t until high school that I got into The Beatles on my own. I bought Sgt. Pepper on tape, and satisfied with my purchase I moved on to the White Album also on tape. I still hate Revolution #9. I also discovered that you had to have a good tape deck to listen to The Beatles. Mine always seemed to have the right channel go out and so I would literally only get to hear half of the songs. I later upgraded to Abbey Road, Let It Be and Past Masters Vol. 2 on CD. I not long after, adopted "Hey Jude" as my official Sad Song. To this day when I get REALLY depressed, like "dumped by your girlfriend" depressed, I listen to "Hey Jude" on repeat until I feel better.

My liking of The Beatles also made long family trips a little better music wise. This was preferable to the infamous “Huey Lewis Incident” of 1984. Upon being lost in Tallahassee, my Father declared of Huey Lewis’ Sports album “ALL HIS SHIT SOUNDS THE SAME” and then unceremoniously ejected the tape. Huey Lewis was replaced by Boz Scaggs and has not been heard on any family trip since. In the early 90’s my Mother crassly asked on one trip “Can’t we listen to something other than The Beatles.” My Mother and Father are now divorced.

I have always said of The Beatles that they were the one thing that my Father and I agreed on, that we disagreed on. I was always more into Sgt. Pepper/ White Album/ Abbey Road Beatles, while he was more into the Love Me Do / I Want to Hold Your Hand Beatles. And while we appreciated the other, we are firmly in our respective camps. We don’t fight over it, we just agree to disagree.

This has all come about because there has been a Beatles blitzkrieg the last few weeks with all the Remastered CDs and Rock Band game coming out. I have been wondering “Why?” Why The Beatles and not like The Dave Clark Five or Herman’s Hermits. I know enough about business to know that you don’t release something unless there is a market for it. So why 40 years after the band has broken up and two members have died, is there still such a market for this band?

I mean sure, you can debate the quality of the music and how it stacks up other bands, til the end of time. Most everyone does. But I think it’s beyond whether the music was "good" or not. I think it's that we are not going to get anymore Beatles albums. They existed for a finite period of time, which will not come again. They haven’t been “Prequelized” or “Rebooted”. And each time a big Beatles event happens, it does not seem like such an OVERT mad dash for cash.

For me, hearing Beatles songs reminds me of being a kid. It reminds me of a time, where I didn’t worry about my job or where the money was going to come from. A time when my problems only seemed huge, but in retrospect in the grand scheme of things were actually very small. It just reminds me of Sunday mornings and breakfast with my Dad.

Jason

Exclusive! An Interview with Kanye West (In My Head)

In light of the drama at the MTV Awards last night, I thought it was time to sit down with Kayne West and try and get to the bottom of the controversy last night. Since I don’t have a chance in hell of REALLY getting that interview, I have decided to imagine what said interview would be like.

Me: Welcome Kayne

Kayne: ‘SUP?

Me: Why are you yelling?

Kayne: I’M NOT YELLING. THIS IS HOW I TALK.

Me: Well when you use all caps, you are yelling.

Kanye: THIS IS HOW I EXPRESS MYSELF. I AM THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME.

Me: Better than DiVinci?

Kayne: HE RAP?

Me: No. He’s an artist. Actually he was an Italian polymath, scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, botanist, musician and writer. Leonardo has often been described as the archetype of the Renaissance man, a man whose unquenchable curiosity was equaled only by his powers of invention. He is widely considered to be one of the greatest painters of all time and perhaps the most diversely talented person ever to have lived.

Kanye: BUT HE DIDN’T RAP. THIS MAKES ME THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME.

Me: Let’s move on. Kayne I think you have a problem with hyperbole.

Kayne: WHAT’S DAT?

Me: Please don’t use slang. This all takes place in my head and when you talk like that, it makes me sound racist.

Kanye: OK.

Me: Thank you. Now, hyperbole is a figure of speech in which statements are exaggerated. It may be used to evoke strong feelings or to create a strong impression, but is rarely meant to be taken literally.

Kanye: NOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF, OR ARE YOU JUST CUTTING AND PASTING IT FROM WIKIPEDIA?

Me: Fair enough. Let’s talk about what happened last night.

Kanye: THAT WAS DOPE.

Me: Kanye, again with the slang.

Kayne: LOOK MAN, I AM YOUR PROJECTION OF MY PUBLIC PERSONA THROUGH THE FILTER OF YOUR HEAD. SO IF HOW I COME ACROSS THROUGH SAID FILTER SEEMS TO BE RACIST, MAYBE IT IS YOU THAT IS THE PROBLEM, NOT ME.

Me: Touché. So back to last night. It was kind of rude what you did to Taylor Swift.

Kanye: LOOK I SAY WHAT I THINK AND I THOUGHT THAT BEYONCÉ’S “SINGLE LADIES” VIDEO WAS THE GREATEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME.

Me: “Single Ladies”? The video with Beyoncé in a skimpy outfit, dancing with two girl, like she has her entire career. THAT is the greatest video of all time?

Kanye: IT’S IN BLACK AND WHITE TOO.

Me: Right… You think that is the greatest video of all time? Better than “Thriller”?

Kanye: OH YEAH. AND I CAN SAY THAT SEEING AS HOW SINCE MICHAEL DIED, I AM THE NEW KING OF POP. I AM THE KING OF POP AND THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME. IN FACT FROM NOW ON I AM COMBINING THEM; I AM NOW THE KING OF THE GREATEST ARTISTS OF POP AND ALL OTHER ART OF ALL TIME. YOU KNOW THIS, MAN. I’M YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST.

Me: Actually mine is John Lennon.

Kanye: HE RAP?

Me: Kind of. You hear “Give Peace A Chance”?

Kanye: NO. AND SINCE I AIN’T HEARD OF IT, IT AIN’T SHIT. YOU NOW THAT’S RIGHT.

John Lennon: This guy’s a bloody git. Get him out of here.

Me: Just a minute.

John Lennon: All right. Me, Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson are listening the remastered “Abbey Road” if you need us.

Me: Doesn’t that sound awesome?

John Lennon: Fucking incredible. Its so clear.

Kanye: HEY I AM STILL HERE. SO TELL HUGH GRANT TO COME BACK LATER.

John Lennon: Wanker!

Me: Ok. So last night. My opinion what you did was just plain rude. She was just a kid. This was one of her first big awards and you basically told her she didn’t deserve it.

Kanye: BUT THAT IS WHAT I THINK AND EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT I THINK.

Me: No Kanye, they don’t. There are some thoughts people have in their head that should stay in their heads. Like I have a thought about driving up along side a guy on a bike and pushing him over. But I don’t tell people that. Wait… Crap.

It’s like what Tina Fey said to Alanis Morrissette “Not everything in your journal needs to be a song.” In the same vein, not every thought in your tiny, tiny brain needs to be expressed. And certainly not every hair brained idiotic action needs to be acted upon.

Kanye: TINA FEY? SHE RAP?

Me: No. She is just an award winning writer and actress.

Kanye: SHE AIN’T SHIT.

Me: Right….

Kanye: MAN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ARTISTS. WHEN INSPIRATION STRIKES, YOU HAVE TO ACT ON IT.

Me: Really? Because Pink said she wanted to kick your ass. In fact, they say you were escorted out of the VMAs because it. You know what Kanye, inspiration has struck. Hey Pink, come on in.

Pink: WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!

Kanye: WHY IS SHE YELLING?

Me: Cause she’s inspired Kanye. Inspired to kick the living shit out of you.

Pink: MOTHER FUCKER!!

Kanye: AHHH! STOP! HELP! GET THIS CRAZY BITCH OFF ME!

Pink: SHE IS A LITTLE FUCKING KID, YOU ASSHOLE!

Kayne: AHHH! THIS IS ALL TAKING PLACE IN YOUR HEAD. MAKE HER STOP!

Me: Nope, don’t think so. I always wanted to see what this would be like. It’s better than I thought.

Kanye: AHHHH!!! SHE GOT A KNIFE!

Pink: DON’T RUN FROM ME YOU LITTLE BITCH! I HAVE DADDY ISSUES!!!

Well I hope you enjoyed this little interview as much as I did.

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS SEASON TWO FINALE

Here is the Second Season Finale of Ghost Raiders. Thanks to everyone who has been supporting us. And for those worried that this is the end, don't. There is more to come.

Here it is...

Episode 12, "Finish What Ya Started"
The Season Two Finale. Jack and Liz enlist an old friend to get rid of Hoff's wife's ghost forever. In the meantime, Jack, Gary, Liz and Hoff all make life changing decisions.




Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders

Ghost Raiders - "Best Episode Yet"

Episode 11 - "Designing Gary" An upset Gary strikes out on his own and makes a discovery about himself. Jack, Liz and Hoff try various methods to vanquish Hoff's Wife's ghost.



Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders