Not So Fast Robert Pattinson...

So its 2010. A new year, a new decade. A time of new beginnings.

It being 2010, it made me think back to 2000 and how things in my life are different, and expectations of what I thought the bulk of my 30's would bring, that sort of thing. Things that I have now that I didn't have ten years ago. Things I thought would be huge that didn't really pan out.

It was in this spirit that I decided to do some cleaning, Celebrity cleaning. I am not sure why I choose to pick on people who, even if they are "not famous" they are more famous than I will ever be. Oh I remember now, I am kind of a smarmy asshole. So here is my list of things that ten years ago seemed like sure thing and well.. the last ten years happened.

Like this guy Jason Biggs.
Remember him? The American Pie kid? Back in 1999 wasn't he supposed to be the Future of Comedy? TeenHollywood.com certainly did in October, 2000. In fact they said of him:

"Jason Biggs future looks bright. The young actor can work any role. His only fear is "being forever known as the kid who had sex with an apple pie," but with all of his upcoming projects, that does not seem likely."

I am sure this is the first and only time TeenHollywood.com was ever wrong. Stop crying Taylor Lautner.

Speaking of American Pie, remember Mena Suvari?
This picture of her was everywhere in 1999. It only stood to reason that "Naked Rose Petal Girl" would be around all over the place for the next ten years, right? And then what? Some crappy movies and now she only gets press when she shaves her head. After American Beauty she was supposed to be the next big thing, and then Kate Hudson showed up and was. Oh well.


How about J.C. Chasez? I mean N'Sync was huge ten years ago. And now 10 years later only Justin Timberlake has managed keep up that level of fame. You think he wakes up in the morning and just wants to beat Justin by his blonde afro? Maybe J. C. should have learned to beat box. And yes Lance Bass and Joey Fatone aren't making guest appearances on SNL, at least they have done other things. But J.C. was the OTHER lead singer in N'Sync, he should have been at least as big as Nick Lachey, right? Sure J.C., he did a few crappy albums, but now he is in danger of being another Chris Kirkpatrick. (Chris Kirkpatrick is the other guy in N'Sync no one remembers or gives a crap about.)


The Matrix Sequels. Man The Matrix was awesome. Great flick. It was the reason a lot of people bought DVD players. And then they made those 2 other ones. WOW. Could they have sucked more? I mean you gave the 2nd one a little leeway, because you figured the third one would explain all the things about the 2nd one that didn't make sense or contradicted the first one. Nope. Third one just sucked more. At least George Lucas set us up for the prequels sucking with Phantom Menace. Never saw that coming with The Matrix. Good news is, most people have forgotten there were 2 other movies. Seriously, next time you go to a party bring up The Matrix, and see if the following 2 things happen: 1.) If they even bring up the other two and 2.) if they do bring them up, see how long they talk about them until they say how much they suck. Say what you want about them, but I doubt Family Guy will devote special episodes to them.


M. Night Shyamalan, He was supposed to be the next Hitchcock. Remember how awesome The Sixth Sense was too? Remember how Unbreakable was OK, but not as good as Sixth Sense. Now do you remember his other movies? Yeah you do, and if you even saw them, I doubt the word "suck" would be left out of your opinion of them. What the hell happened? Did we just get tired of the twist? Or was it that we knew the twist was coming? Either way. His Aughts didn't pan out. Hopefully the tens will be better.


And finally Tara Reid. She gets a special mention. Now Tara has kept herself in the spotlight, but not the way she was supposed to. She started the 00's doing movies with Robert Altman and ended it by posing in Playboy to show everyone how she fixed her botched plastic surgeries. I was in a 7-11 the other night and I showed my Fiancee the Playboy with her on it. She pointed to Tara's chest and said, "Remember those aren't real." I laughed and point to all of Tara and said "Baby, none of that is real."

I write this as a warning to the Robert Patinsons, Taylor Swifts, and Snookis of 2009. Your future is not written yet, and people with as much talent and promise as you where right where you are ten years ago. People said awesome things and then just as awesomely awful things, and then they said nothing. Next thing you know its ten years later and some jerk like me is bad-mouthing you on a blog no one reads.

Enjoy the TENS!

Jason