There Is Nothing Wrong With My Name

Let me run down a list of people who got the crap beat out of them in high school: Joe Flummerfelt, Ryan Erbacker, Donald Pizzullo, Dale Peontek, and Shane Murphy. Now what do the first four have in common? They were cursed with "funny" last names. Not their fault, just their mothers were kind enough to agree to have a child with a man who had that last name. (The last one Shane Murphy as just a douche. He opened his mouth and you just wanted to punch him.) Funny names are hard to overcome, and let's face it children are cruel. At least Ryan, Joe, Donald and Dale's mothers were kind enough to give them normal first names. So it just kills me when a mother gives her kid an awful first name.

I was reading in the paper about how Usher (I call him UR-sher) just had a new kid, and named the poor thing, Naviyd. It got me thinking. You put Naviyd together with Coco, Apple, Moses, Suri, Shiloh, Rocco and Pilot Inspektor and it seems like celebrities are having a contest as to who can give their child the goofiest name. Do you get some sort of tax break in California if you name your kid something bizarre? Or are these celebrities so narcissistic that they are worried no one will care if they just had a kid if they don't name it something dopey? I read an article where Bruce Willis' daughter changed her name from Tallulah to Lula, because she didn't like it. Pretty smart girl, to be able to look at her sisters, Rumer and Scout and go, "This name thing is nuts."

I've got nothing against giving a kid a distinctive name or a family name. Hey, if Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspektor after his Uncle Pilot Inspektor who was the man who made him into the man he is today, than more power to him. But if he named his kid that cause he was playing Scrabble and those were the letters he pulled out of a bag, well that's just wrong. These kids are stuck with these names forever. One day they will be Grandpa Bronx Mowgili or Grandma Sundae. What the hell is that gonna be like?

That and I find nothing wrong with "regular" names, like Michael, David, Katherine, Timothy, James, John, Sarah, Anne, on down the line. I don't have kids, but any discussion of naming any future children something goofy is always followed with, "We'll give them a normal middle name." That is just in case in 15 years, little Lando doesn't think his first name is as hilarious as his parents did, and can go by William or something. I will say as far as normal names go, I'd never give my kid my name. In fifth grade I was one of 5 "Jasons". To this day, I won't be friends with another "Jason" on general principal.

So to all the future mothers out there considering naming your babies "Blue Ray" or "Diet Coke", don't. Just don't. Do it for your kids sake. Life is hard enough to go through without the extra baggage of being named "Mojito" cause that was what Mom was drinking when you were conceived.

Just give it a try.

"What is your baby's name?"
"Elizabeth."

See was that so hard?

Sorry Mom for teasing about the grand kid thing. Not happenin'

Jason