An "Abstinence Only" Program That Works

In my pursuing of the Internet tubes, I came across this thing with Bill O’Reilly. He had on Elayne Bennett of the Best Friends Foundation, a youth organization, and she was talking about sex education and how “… the liberal elites are all about . . .(how) They don’t really want to provide choice.” Basically she was cherry picking information about how abstinence programs really do work.

This flies in the face of almost EVERY other study, by EVERY other organization. Including one during the Bush Administration that said “that teenagers who took abstinence-only classes were just as likely to have sex as those who didn't. Not only that, abstinence-only programs are often counterproductive for pregnancy, because kids in abstinence-only programs are less likely to use contraception -- maybe because those programs emphasize only the failure rates of contraception.”

Now here is where me and my liberal friends disagree. I do think that an abstinence only program can work to prevent teen pregnancy. It just needs to be restructured is all. Right now there is far too much emphasis on “not having sex” without the tools required to keep the possibility of sex from happening in the first place. This is where I come in.

In high school, I did not get any one pregnant. Not one person. I never even came close. And it was not because I was saving myself, or I was worried about pregnancy or used a condom. It was for the most timeless of all reasons. I was a dork, and no girl in their right mind would touch me. This makes me uniquely qualified to teach an abstinence only sex education program.

My course would concentrate on the things a teenage boy can do to keep teenage girls from ever wanting to have sex with them. For example one great way to achieve this: “Work Star Wars Trivia into casual conversation.”

EXAMPLE:
GIRL: "Hello"
BOY: "Hi. Did you know that Princess Leia’s cell in Star Wars was 1138, which was the title of George Lucas’s first film THX-1138?"
GIRL: "Good-bye."

I have tons of them. Things that kept me from getting laid, and thus getting someone pregnant, for years!

Some other sure fire ways:

• When a girl talks to a teenage boy, the boy can mumble back like he is retarded.
• The teenage boy can come on WAY too strong. Not sexually, but with how much they love them and can not wait to get married. He should do this on the first date.
• Going a day or two without a shower.
• Be completely oblivious that a girl is showing interest in them.
• Have no aptitude for sports or playing guitar
• When a teenage boy is first beginning to grow facial hair, grow one of those gross thin mustaches. The one where each hair is like a 1/4 inch apart.
• Acne. Lots of Acne.
• And my personal favorite that never fails: Try being their friend. A teenage boy will never get laid if he becomes a girl’s friend. NEVER.

I got a million of them. Each one guaranteed not to let some random teenage boy get some random teenage girl pregnant.

Because the first time is special. High school kids should wait… until college… when they are both drunk.

Jason