I Really Know Nothing About Computers

There is the new virus out, The Conficker worm. It supposedly sets up your computer so that other people can use it to help steal IDs and send out spam and what not. The worst part is that you don’t know you have it. It’s kinda of like HPV.

So I decided to check my computer and see if I had it. Supposedly the only way to tell if you do is if you can not get onto the Microsoft website. So I hop on the comp real quick, and go to Microsoft, and it can’t be found. So I try going to some other Windows sites. Nothing there either. Now I am freaked. I must have the worm. I HAVE CERVICAL CANCER!!

So I go to http://www.confickerworkinggroup.org/ and start downloading programs to find and fix it. I run my Mal-Ware program; I run Windows Update, and Windows Defender. I am pacing. I am sweating. All I think is “I DON'T BACK UP THIS COMPUTER WITH ANY REGULARITY, AND ALL MY STUFF IS GONE!” Why didn’t I make that boy wear a condom!!

All the stuff runs…no virus, no Conficker. I have dodged a bullet. I make a vow to do better. No more strange downloads, no more freeware, I will back up my stuff. I will protect myself. False Alarm. Either way I will make those boys wear condoms from now on.

But the real lesson here is, I know nothing about computers. Not really. I mean I know CRTL+ALT+DEL. I know a trick or two. But I am no where near like those guys on 24, who randomly hit keys on the keyboard, and can get a license plate number on a speeding car in another state. Yet people seem to think I do. I am just at this party to have a good time, not hook up.

Perhaps it is part and parcel of kind of being a dork. That may be why my Mother calls me from another state and thinks I can figure out why her scanner won’t work. Here is what I now about fixing computers, and I got this from a boss I had in college.

1. Restart the computer
2. Unplug it
3. Blow on it
4. Hit the computer with your fist.

After I have exhausted all of those, the computer is a paper weight. I got no clue what is wrong. That boy is kind of cute, but…naw….

An example: I have been shooting a web series. I got all my footage and was convinced I did not have a firewire port in my computer. So convinced I tried everything in the world to work around getting one, including Fed Ex-ing my footage to another state and having it send back. I got so frustrated that finally I decided that I would bite the bullet, take it to Best Buy and have them install what I needed and shell out 150 bucks. And as I was disconnecting the wires in the back… I FOUND THE FIREWIRE PORT. Wow I can hardly taste the alcohol in this.

So bottom line is, don’t ask me to fix your computer. Go ahead, spend the money, ask an expert. Call that I.T. guy in India who says his name is STEVE WILSON. You will be in much better shape, than if you ask me. Because on top of my total lack of knowledge, for all my sweating and pacing and fretting, I will most likely go back to doing all the things that put my computer in danger in the first place. Ugh… I can’t believe I slept with that guy. Did we use a condom?

Jason