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I Saw Bruce Springsteen Part 1: Went to a Concert with Grown Ups.

Here is my proof. Just saw Bruce, it was awesome. I could and probably will blog about the actual concert itself. Go through song for song, you know really bore the crap out of you. It was amazing. Really made me wish I had some aptitude for playing music.

But the other part of my night was the fact that I really have not been to a CONCERT in about 10 years. I mean I went to a couple Ravina things, but that is more about listening to Peter, Paul and Mary while eating cheese. I did see Iggy Pop and the Stooges a few years ago with my friend Jon, that counts I guess. But that was still seeing a concert with young punks and well sixty year olds still trying to me young punks. Tonight aside from seeing an awesome show (Bruce played for 2 hours, took a break for 5 minutes and then played for another hour), was my first concert with adults.

For those of you who have not experienced this, its quite odd at first. See most of the concerts I've been to, I went to in high school at the Richmond Colosseum. It was not the nicest of venues, it always felt dirty, and you walked out feeling sticky. But I saw Aerosmith, Metallica, Poison, Motley Crue, I think... Being in high school, I was surrounded by young kids my age, all of whom smelled like the beer they either smuggled in or drank in the parking lot. About midway through the show the smell of pot would permeate through the General Admission area. And without fail, some asshole would start "slam dancing" which would make some other bigger idiot / asshole start slam dancing. The next thing you know you have a bunch of idiots ramming into you, knocking you into other people, while you are trying to enjoy "Love in an Elevator." You usually left feeling sticky, with bruises on your shins and your ears ringing.

After high school, I didn't see that many shows. Mostly because of ticket prices. I remember The Rolling Stones being 35 bucks and thinking that was outrageous. Trying seeing a band you have heard of for 35 bucks today.

But for some reason I came out of my concert exile to see Bruce. I actually saw him in 1992, but he wasn't with the E Street Band. I am getting to an age where I want to see certain bands before you can't anymore. So it was now or never to see Bruce with the Big Man, The Mighty Max Wienberg and Silvo Dante. So I threw down $100 bucks and away I went.

So here it is 2009 and I back on the concert horse. WOW! What a difference 10 years makes! First of all The United Center is NO Richmond Colosseum. It was my first trip there, and it was clean. It was like being in an airport, complete with low paid people who are really helpful, and over priced food.

The Usherette showed me to my seat, and was super polite. I was used to over weight union guys who considered it a good night if no one got trampled to death. I felt so guilty, I confessed to her that my phone had a camera on it. She said as long as it didn't have a flash, I shouldn't have to worry about it being confiscated.

So I am in my seat, and the place begins to fill up. But gone are the wanna be Heavy Metal kids and misplaced slam dancing punks. Most of the audience was in the 30's, 40's and some 50's. I think I may have been the youngest person in my section, by a long shot. When the show started all the dreaded slam dancing of my youth was replaced by that awkward white person bop, and that was just those who bothered to stand. Apparently grown ups who paid $100 for a seat, actually enjoy sitting in it. In fact it was kind of rude to stand up. What if you blocked the view of the person behind you? How gauche.

Everyone was so laid back, and polite. I had to use the bathroom and asked the couple behind me to watch my jacket. They looked at me like I was nuts. OF COURSE THEY WOULD WATCH IT. That is what grown-ups do at concerts. They watch the stuff no one would be interested in stealing anyway. Unlike young kids who steal things cause its there to steal. Oh and that smell of pot I am used to about half way through the show, its now been replace by aftershave.

All and all a pretty great experience. I will definitely be back to hang with these adults.

Sure as you get older things go to pot, like your health, but at least I have found one thing that gets better.



Over priced concerts!

Bring on the middle class, middle aged audience. I have found my people.

Anyone know if Paul McCartney is touring soon. That concert is gonna smell like Ben-Gay and Denture cream. Should be awesome!

WHOOTZ!!

Jason

Texas vs Florida

I will be honest, I have not had much use for Texas since the TV show Dallas was cancelled in 1991. God I loved that show, well not after Pam was “killed”. I mean it was okay, but Pam and Bobby belonged together. Stupid Victoria Principal. But I digress.

Not to mention Texas was the state that let George W. Bush forget he was born and raised in Maine, and then elected him Governor. That then gave him the foolish idea he could be President. So yeah Texas, you have been on my shit list for the last 10 years.

So Texas now has this new Governor Rick Perry who a few weeks ago said that Texas should secede because he didn’t want any stimulus money. Which is fine with me since Dallas is not on the air anymore. He quickly changed his tune when the Swine flu broke out and wanted some of the government stock pile of Tamaflu. Fine, Rick Perry thinks about the Federal government the same way I do about GOD. We both don’t believe until we need something. (A shout out to God for that parking spot last week. It was raining and we both know that long walk to Taco Bell would have sucked. )

So today I am on reddit.com, and it has THREE crazy Texas stories.

1. 7-year-old Texas boy dies as after being shot in mistaken trespass.
2. Rape victims in Texas receive delinquent bills from hospitals for their own rape kits.

AND

3. Texas: Doomed

The last one is about how Rick Perry has chosen Don McLeroy as the Chairman of the Texas Board of Education. Some of Mr. McLeroy’s career highlights…

• Was on the Bryan county school board
• Strong stands on evolution and sexual abstinence
• Voted against current high school biology books because of their failure to list weaknesses in the theory of evolution.

So possible Secessionist governor Rick Perry has appointed to the Board of Education someone who does not believe in Science. Isn’t that sort of like electing someone President who does not believe in the Constitution… oh wait… that happened. That Jackass was from Texas too.

And I should be mad, I really should. But this comes after so much Texas retardation that I get sort of numb to it. Of course the secessionist Governor appointed a creationist to the Board of Education. Of course Texas is making rape victim pay for the kits used to prove they were raped. Of course some idiot with a gun, shot a SEVEN year old because he thought he was trespassing. Of course a Texas oil man started a war in the middle east to drive up the price of oil… no wait that was Dallas… and real life… WEIRD!

No, I know who should be pissed, FLORIDA. That is right. FLORIDA. Aside from Disney, and beaches, and awesome weather, until 2000 Florida had no other claim to fame. Then came Bush / Gore and they got a new thing to be known for: THE MOST BACK-ASSWARDS STATE IN THE UNION. Well now Texas is taking that title away from you Florida. I say, it’s time to step up your game.

We got 4 more years until another election so you may want to pull out greatest hits to try and win back the title. Go ahead and dust off that shooting abortion doctors thing, or protesting Gay Days at Disney. Just let “the crazy” out and see what happens. Ya know, you haven’t had Federal Marshalls bust down a door looking for a 7 year old Cuban Refugee since Clinton, how about that? That’s got kids, people love kids. What has Catherine Harris been up to? I am sure whatever it is, it’s crazy.

I am just saying Florida, you are better than this. You can’t just wait for Texas to secede so you can be back on the bottom again. You need to be pro-active. How about not prepare for a hurricane? You can afford to lose Tampa. Seriously, will ANYONE miss Tampa? No one will miss Tampa. NO ONE.

Just kick it around, see what you can come up with. I just hate to see Texas treat you like J.R. used to treat Cliff Barnes. Now if you will excuse me, a re-run of Dallas is on. It’s the one where J.R. withholds Jock’s heart medication. GOD I loved that show.

Jason

Proud to be a... Redneck?

Well I think I have heard it all now. Someone has offended the Redneck community, and they didn't even have to be a Black guy showing up at a kegger with his white girlfriend to do it.

No apparently, Janeane Garofalo has angered the Redneck Community by saying that their Tea Parties on the 15th were motivated by racism. I know right? Imagine someone thinking a Redneck was a racist. If the thought of rednecks being racist, didn't have a couple hundred years of history to back it up, that would be crazy.

Yet here we are with Crit Callebs founder of Save the Redneck on FOX News, calling for Janeane to apologize for her hurtful mischaracterization of "Redneck culture." And man are the Rednecks hotter than Georgia asphalt. Here are some of the comments from the FOX News site, misspellings and all.

Blumtnman says "From a Viet Nam Vet We boycotted Jane the B Fonda do the same thing to this witch with a b."

NavyBrat says "Her apology to me would mean as much to me as what I left in the can this morning."

and 'nuff B.S. added "her opinion on anything is allmost as important..(allmost) as a frog fart."

I now would like to take this opportunity to address the Redneck community.

Dear Rednecks:

What the hell has happened to you guys? What has happened to the beer drinking, pick-up driving, country music AND Metallica loving, gun shooting, confederate flag waving, double wide trailer living, inbred, stump jumping, backwoods, hillbilly, white trash, peckerwood, rednecks, I used to know. You are offended that Janeane Garofalo called you racists? That is like fish being offended by someone saying that they live in water.

I mean, you guys were the KLAN. You used to go out and lynch black people on a nightly basis. And even for those of you who weren't actually IN the Klan, you knew who was and certainly turned a blind eye to it. You put the confederate flag in the back of your pick up trucks. You name your kids "Robert E. Lee" and "Jefferson Davis." You elected George "Segregation Now, Segregation FOREVER" Wallace governor of Alabama multiple times. Now Janeane Garofalo has made you sad by calling you what you are?

I guess it is not your fault. I mean you are Rednecks. Its not like you have a history of being intellectuals. I mean professed redneck Kid Rock divorced Pam Anderson because he thought BORAT was real. And not to have you mad at another comedian, but you do know that when Jeff Foxworthy does those "You Might Be A Redneck..." jokes, he is making fun of you. Also Larry the Cable Guy... that is not his real name. His real name is Daniel Lawrence Whitney. And I hope you can handle this... he also does not really install cable.

And where did this bizarre sense of "Redneck" pride come from? "Redneck" has always been derogatory ("mean" for the rednecks reading this.) I understand "taking back a word", but why that one. Isn't it time for "Cracker" to ONLY be associated with a delicious treat?

Crit Callebs, co-founder of Save the Redneck, says, "Our aim is to set the record straight and celebrate everything positive about being a redneck." Well that should take about ten minutes. After you are done, you should all go back to doing what you do best.

Watching Nascar, dating your sisters and being racist.

Jason

Michael Jackson: Saying "NO!" to Crazy

When I was a kid my sister's friend KK called on a Sunday afternoon. My mother watched as my sister and I were on the phone with KK and we both had this look of utter sadness on our faces. After we got off the phone, my Mother asked what happened:


"Michael Jackson caught on fire."

"Oh..." My Mom replied. "You guys looked like your grandfather died."

Now I will save for another blog, why my Mother's "go-to" in that particular situation was to think a grandparent was dead. But let's be honest, if you were an 8-10 year old kid from 1983 to 1985, it was probably a real toss up between which would be sadder, the death of a Grandparent or Michael Jackson.

So now we fast forward 25 years and.... what the fuck?!

Sorry unless you are European or crazy or Corey Feldman, Michael Jackson is a joke. If I got a phone call today that he set himself on fire, I would just laugh. I would then try to find the video on YouTube.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment, The Michael Jackson Crazy Train went off the rails. Somewhere between: the 2 (count them TWO) lawsuits for child molestation, marrying Lisa Marie Presley, the children he had with his dental hygienist, dangling one of those kids off a balcony, the multiple plastic surgeries, calling the head of his record company the Devil, lying about having Vitiligo, the crappy late 90's music, or videos with Marlon Brando and Chris Tucker.

I would point out the Martin Bashir interview, where Michael just unleashed the crazy. He kind of went from being this rich mysterious pop star, to rich gross pedophile. You can watch the whole thing here. (by the way the bit about how children are "colored" because they come in all different colors, still makes my jaw drop.)

So to make matter worse, now he can't even be a rich gross pedophile. Michael is broke. A friend of mine sent me this link to personal items of Michael Jackson that were going to be auctioned off.

Here are just a few of the choice ones:









Again, what the hell!

How did this happen? How do you go from being one of the wealthiest men in the world, to having to sell your creepy dolls for cash? (Quiet MC Hammer)











Here's is how... No one ever told him "NO."

When you reach a certain point moneywise, you can surround yourself with people who will not say "I don't think that is a very good idea." People that do say that are soon fired and replaced with people who say "That is an awesome idea!"

"Yes Michael, you should totally build an amusement park in your back yard."
"You know Michael, you can never have enough creepy statutes."
"Is that you Michael? I thought you actually WERE Peter Pan."
"Yes Michael, everyone knows that the only treatment for vitiligo is to bleach the rest of your skin."
"You know what would look good there, Michael? The bones of the Elephant man."
"Yup, one more nose job, and your nose will be perfect, Michael."
"You know what that newborn kid loves Michael, being dangled over a balcony."
"Yeah, Michael, I am sure that little boy's mother will forget the whole thing if you give her enough money."

The answer to every one of those should have been NO!

If these people that he trusted cared about him, they would have said NO. But when your livelihood subsists on telling rich crazy people that their crazy ideas are awesome, its hard to say "No." Add to that other people just as rich and just as crazy (Liza and Liz Taylor), and its a recipe for disaster. All "good" things come to an end, especially when the money train runs out and you have to sell this:


That's right, your California Raisins collection!








And I wish I could feel sorry for him. But I enjoy the celebrity train wreck too much. We all do, even those who say they don't care. Tell them how Michael Jackson paid $150,000 to put a voodoo spell on Steven Speilberg for not casting him in "Hook" and their ears perk up.

In the meantime, I wonder if Mike would still sell me this?











I'll pay cash...

Jason

BANNED STUN MASTER COMMERICAL

I Hate Myself: Who wins in Star Wars vs Star Trek

Remember that episode of South Park, where Cartman says he can't hear any part of Styx's Sail Away, because he always has to sing the rest of it. Well that is where I am in the oldest of Dork Arguments... Star Wars Vs. Star Trek.

I hate this debate not because I have a particular side or anything. What I hate about it, is that every once and a while some idiot fanboy will bring it up and then I, like Cartman, have a Pavlovian need to participate. STUPID FAN BOYS!

I get dragged into it every time. Always! Because I am a Star Wars fan and have a passing knowledge of Star Trek, at least enough to hold my own in a debate. So my mind starts working and trying to unravel the question that I may have the answer to. WHY GOD WHY?!

See when Star Wars vs Star Trek debate is brought up, it is important to remember what are we talking about here. Not the pop culture influence. Not the amount of money made on merchandising. Not how much money the movies have made. No, these arguments are made up of imperial data that could be easily Googled and a winner could be declared. No when dorks debate Star Wars vs Star Trek, their area for the debate is: "Who would win in a fight"? IDIOT FAN BOYS!

That's right. If the universes were combined and Captain Kirk challenged Han Solo to a fight at the Creature Cantina or The Enterprise was caught in the Death Star's tractor beam, "Who would win?"

SO... F-ING... STUPID....

... FIGHTING SO HARD....

... BUT VADER HAS A LIGHT SABER AND THE FORCE...

... BUT SPOCK HAS THE VULCAN NERVE PINCH....

ASSHOLE FAN BOYS!!!

FINE! I GIVE IN!

Star Wars wins. Star Wars has the fucking DEATH STAR, OKAY! It blows up planets. PLANETS! And yes I know it can easily be destroyed by a photon torpedo in an exhaust port no bigger than two meters. And yes, I know that Spock, Data and Picard are smart and that The Enterprise's targeting computers are very precise, or that The Borg could reconfigure their shields to repel any sort of energy blast. BUT IT BLOWS UP PLANETS!

IT BLOWS UP PLANETS, END OF STORY!

EARTH, VULCAN, ROMULUS, CARDASIA, ALL GONE! BECAUSE THE DEATH STAR BLOWS UP PLANETS, AND IT IS RUN BY A HALF-HUMAN, HALF-MACHINE PSYCHOPATH, SO EVIL THAT HE CUT HIS OWN KID'S HAND OFF!

There... peace at last...

I hate myself so much now....

Jason