When I Worked In A Pawn Shop...

Most conversations I have start with "Have you seen ____________?" (The blank is normally filled in with the latest TV / Movie / You Tube Video.) One I am getting a lot lately is "Have you seen Pawn Stars on the History Channel?" The answer is "Yes". But why am I getting this? Well you have 3 choices:

a.) Cause I enjoy any show on the History Channel NOT about World War 2?
b.) I needed something to fill the void of Jon and Kate Plus 8
c.) I used to work in a Pawn Shop.

If you answered "C", you would be correct.

In college I worked at a Pawn Shop. A "classy” one. The Wal-Mart of Pawn Shops. And in working there I walked away with 2 things: 1.) the ability to insult people's jewelry with its pawn shop value and 2.) A myriad of stories about "The Dirties" or as my Manager used to call them, "Our Customers."

My favorite "Dirty" story had to do with a guy who came in with his six year old son and his six year old son's bike. He needed 10 bucks so that they could have some food. I gave him the ten bucks, and put his bike behind the counter, while his kid sobbed. He made him feel better, by telling him, we were going to fix it. A few minutes later, I went to the convenience store on my break. In the store, I saw the guy I just gave ten bucks to. He was using it to buy himself beer. I never hated myself and someone else simultaneously, so much in my life.

So I have seen the show and I have a few complaints:

#1 - NONE OF THEIR CUSTOMERS LOOK LIKE THE SMELL BAD.
The Dirties were called Dirties for a reason... because they were DIRTY, and thus stunk. Apparently no one who came into the pawn shop I worked at felt the need to shower before hocking their grandmother’s ring or the tools they borrowed from their neighbor and now will never give back.

#2. - WHERE IS THE CRAP?
Most of the people I dealt with only brought in junk, and most of it was broken. We never got a replica of a document with John Hancock's signature or Civil War paraphernalia. No one ever tried to pawn his Indiana Jones whip. No, but I got plenty of 15 year old black and white TVs, or a microwave that leaked radiation or a Craftsman socket wrench set, with half the sockets missing. The latter was usually accompanied by the owner bitching about how he paid 50 bucks for it 20 years ago and why he can't get $75, now.

#3. - WHERE DO YOU GET "EXPERTS"?
We never called in anyone to verify that something really was a musket from the Battle of Yorktown. 95% of our customers thought a musket was a kind of raccoon. Apparently on Pawn Stars, they got experts out the ass. This to me is stupid, because usually the expert comes in tells the customer it’s worth 10 grand at a fancy auction, and then has the Pawn Star offer him 50 bucks for it. I'd lose the experts.

#4. - NONE OF THE CUSTOMERS SEEM OVERTLY STUPID.
Let's be honest, if you are pawning shit, you made a serious career miscalculation. Our customers were not only NOT the sharpest knives in the drawer, some of them were fucking spoons. I had one guy come in with this huge gold chain. To test gold, you have to pour this acid on it. If it sits like water, it’s gold. If it turns green and bubbles its fake. We were told it was harmless, but it will most likely be the true source of the cancer that kills me.

Anyway, so I take his chain, and pour the acid on it. It turns BRIGHT green. Its super fake. So I tell the guy that. He replies "Man I paid $300 bucks for that out of some guy's trunk. Do you think the gold brick I bought from him is fake too?" That's right. He was unsure if the GOLD BRICK he bought OUT OF A GUY'S TRUNK, was real.

#5 - NO ONE PAWNS
My Dad runs a pawn shop, and when I asked him about the show his response was "they just buy, they don't pawn anything." He has a point. My Dad knows his customers. He knows the toothless 45 year old stripper most likely will not pick up that Charles Lindbergh propeller, when gets her rifle out of hock. He doesn't buy stupid shit. Because the alcoholic who pawns his tools on Friday so he can go out and drink, will not be interested in World War 2 War Bonds posters. He keeps it simple, jewelry, tools, guns, TV's and South African Krugerrand. If you have 24kt Gold, South African Krugerrand, look him up. He can't get enough of it.

I wish the pawn shop I worked in was half as cool as the one on Pawn Stars, because after a while it makes it hard to watch. I can't help but be jealous watching the guy who comes in with a Civil War era West Point jacket, when I had to figure how much some one's gold teeth were worth.

It’s a good show. I'm just saying, as an ex-Pawn Shop Man, for a reality show, it’s not very realistic.

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS - TRAILER

GHOST RAIDERS
SEASON THREE TRAILER



The new season beings January 2010.
Catch Up on Old Episodes at www.theghostraiders.com

"Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr Drew"... Uh Celebrity?

So I watched two TV shows last night. That is actually not true I watched tons of TV last night. But the two shows that really struck me were, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew and To Catch a Predator Raw.

For the three of you who don’t know, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew is just like Celebrity Rehab, except the celebrities are sex addicts as opposed to addicted to opiates. ("Opiates" is a term I learned only from watching Celebrity Rehab). So Sex Rehab is filled with such house hold names as Penny Flame, James Lovett, Nicole Narain, Kari Ann Peniche, Kendra Jade Rossi, Duncan Roy, Amber Smith, and Phil Varone.

That is right those people are “celebrities”. Now while I realize that no A, B, C, or D-List actress or actor with aspirations to appear in anything again other than Celebrity Rehab 2, Celebrity Sober House would want to appear on this show. But how can any one in good conscience call these people celebrities? They might as well be the cast of The Real World: Omaha, for all I know. I only know they are celebrities because the show calls them that.

And for nine people I have never heard of, they certainly have a bizarre sense of entitlement. Little did I know that being the ex-drummer of Skid Row or having made a sex tape with a guy on Grey’s Anatomy who is not Patrick Dempsey entitled you to such perks, as not participating in the rehab you signed up for.

It's so stupid. I know people who are more famous than these people and they are not famous at all. One friend of mine was in “How She Move”. That is at least a movie I have heard of. Another friend of mine knows someone who was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Should these two friends become opiate or sex addicts, I think they are more than qualified to be a “celebrity” on VH-1.

This brings me to someone who should be on Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, John Kennelly. Never heard of John Kennelly, I bet you have. Even if you are not a big fan of the show he is on, or have seen it, I bet a friend of yours has and told you about it.

John Kennelly was on one of the first Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator. I consider him the star of this episode. For the 5 people who don’t know about To Catch a Predator, here is the story. This group called Perverted Justice goes on line posing as underage teens to and tries to root out adults who are trying to meet up and have sex with said underage teens. They then set up a meeting at a house, where Chris Hanson and Dateline meet these guys and record it for the show.

Of this group of sick dirt bags, John Kennelly is a special case. In his episode, he showed up naked at the Dateline house and sat in the kitchen. Chris Hanson comes in and reads him his transcript of what he said in his online chat and confronts him about his intentions. The segment ends with him putting on his underwear and leaving the house.

That would normally be it, but in the next segment, you find out the next day, that the same guy, John Kennelly is back in the chat rooms again. He is after another underage teen boy, and has set up another meeting at a local McDonalds. So Chris Hanson and Dateline show up and confront him again. It’s unreal.

So I am watching this episode last night with my girlfriend, and I just yell out at the screen, “Now this guy should be on Sex Rehab!” And then it hit me, HE COULD.

If we go by the VH-1 “celebrity” qualifiers, he certainly fits the bill:

a) Been on TV before? Check
b) Has a sexual issue and needs help? Check

c) He is someone most people have never heard of? DOUBLE CHECK

I guess the only thing keeping him from being on Sex Rehab is that he is not some guilt ridden former porn star. No he actually has a sick and twisted sexual problem and probably deserves to be in jail rather than being pampered on a reality show.

But who knows, James Lovett got on.

Jason

Stop Complaining For The Wrong Reasons

I am a world class complainer. I mean I am good. To paraphrase the Marlon Brando line from The Wild Bunch, "What do I complain about?"

"What do you got?"

It with this doctorate in bitching that I am flummoxed by all the people bitching about The President winning The Noble Peace Prize. It started with a sign of the Apocalypse. I AGREED With Mr. William O'Reilly.



I know, nuts right? When did Bill O'Reilly become such a hippie? It won't last long, the comments on the Fox website pretty much lambasted Bill and then continued with the normal Obama is a Kenyan-Socialist-Marxist-Nazi talk.

Bill has a point (we agree on one thing so I can now call him Bill). President Obama really hasn't done anything. With all of the people on the Right complaining about Obama, Bill was the only complaining who made any sense. Who would have thought that would happen?

This comes a week after Chicago didn't get the Olympics. See those same people calling the Nobel committee a joke while forgetting Mother Teresa also got a Nobel prize , and are rattling off Yasser Arafat as an example of how the Nobel committee is out of touch, also spent Friday October 2nd, celebrating Chicago losing The Olympics to Rio. That really pissed me off.

All because Obama was going to Copenhagen, Rush Limbaugh and every Fox News pundit, and the retards on Fox and Friends (calling those people on Fox & Friends pundits is an insult to pundits) spent the week badmouthing Chicago. "Why would you want the Olympics THERE?!" "What a HORRIBLE place for the Olympics?" "Chicago is too corrupt for the Olympics!" Fuck those Fox assholes, and Rush.

I live in Chicago, its a great city. Well the North Side is. I wouldn't know about the South Side because I am too scared to go there. When you live in Chicago, you learn to root for anything from Chicago. Obama runs for President, you root for him. Blackhawks are up for the Stanley Cup, you root for them. Jennifer Hudson up for an Oscar, you root for her. White Sox up for the World Series... Well... The Cubs are really gonna do it next year. Point is when Chicago is up for the Olympics, you don't root for Rio. And you certainly don't bad mouth Chicago.

That said, not all of Chicago was for the Olympics being here. And this is were Rush and the Fox guys got it wrong. They wanted to make it all about Obama, when if they would have just asked someone from Chicago, hell asked ANYONE from Chicago, they would have told them all the REAL reasons the Olympics shouldn't be here. How about how the Mayor has not ruled out having taxpayers pay for the Olympics if it lost money? Or how a lot of the new construction would ruin lake front? Or how Landlords were already talking about not honoring leases so that they could rent apartments to people coming into town for the Olympics?

But nobody did that. Instead they all crapped on Chicago. For that I hope they all choke on Chicago style Vienna Beef Hot Dog. I especially hope Sean Hannity chokes on two of them while fantasizing they are the penises of George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan.

Its the same thing with the Nobel peace prize. Obama's lack of experience is not the reason they should be bitching. They should be bitching because it should have gone to Bono from U2.

That's right, I said it.

Bono deserves the Nobel Peace Prize.

Its not for all of his humanitarian work or his work to end debt in Africa. Those are all worthy causes. No the reason he needs to get it is, to paraphrase Glenn Beck... I WANT MY U2 BACK. (insert girl like weeping here.)

See for the better part of a decade Bono has been up for the Nobel Peace Prize and not so incoincidentally, for the better part of a decade, U2's albums have sucked. Its my theory that the Nobel is a distraction for Bono and it is keeping him from doing really good albums like Joshua Tree, or Unforgettable Fire or Achtung Baby, hell even Zooropa. Pop in Joshua Tree if you don't believe me, aside from "Bullet the Blue Sky", its still awesome. Certainly better than anything on the new album.

So I am pleading with the Nobel committee to just give Bono his prize. That way he can stop trying to earn it and make better U2 albums.

Or he could just run for President.

We can all agree that would work, right?

Jason

Sundays With John, Paul, George, Ringo & Dad

I have always been a Beatles fan. Its one of the few Father-Son activities that did NOT traumatize me. I am a Beatles Fan because of my Dad.

Almost every Sunday morning when I was a kid, my Dad would play Beatles albums. He would either be reading the paper or making breakfast or both. I am not sure why he did it, or why my mother let him do it, but he did.

He had them on vinyl and played them on one of those big console stereos. You know those ones that we like 4 feet long, made of wood, and you would open the top and record player would be inside. If your parents didn't have one, your grandparents probably did.

I thought he had tons of albums, but he only had one actual album Revolver. The rest were compilations albums like Hey Jude, Beatles ’65 and Beatles IV, which were all made up of different singles and B-sides.

So that was my first exposure to The Beatles. The rest until I came into my own as a fan was scatter shot. I remember asking who John Lennon was and why it was one the news that he died. I was told because "he was a Beatle". It didn’t register much for me. I think I was much more invested in whether Han Solo would die after being frozen in carbonite. Although to bring those two worlds together, I remember thinking it was sad that he died, because now he would never get to see the next Star Wars movie. Thankfully John Lennon was spared the Ewoks.

The next piece came when HBO started showing Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. My sister and I thought it was great. I remember my Dad sort of proudly showing me The Beatles album in the store. I also remember turning my nose up at it because all the songs were by The Beatles and not by The Bee Gees and Peter Frampton. Thankfully I got over my Bee Gees over Beatles phase.

It wasn’t until high school that I got into The Beatles on my own. I bought Sgt. Pepper on tape, and satisfied with my purchase I moved on to the White Album also on tape. I still hate Revolution #9. I also discovered that you had to have a good tape deck to listen to The Beatles. Mine always seemed to have the right channel go out and so I would literally only get to hear half of the songs. I later upgraded to Abbey Road, Let It Be and Past Masters Vol. 2 on CD. I not long after, adopted "Hey Jude" as my official Sad Song. To this day when I get REALLY depressed, like "dumped by your girlfriend" depressed, I listen to "Hey Jude" on repeat until I feel better.

My liking of The Beatles also made long family trips a little better music wise. This was preferable to the infamous “Huey Lewis Incident” of 1984. Upon being lost in Tallahassee, my Father declared of Huey Lewis’ Sports album “ALL HIS SHIT SOUNDS THE SAME” and then unceremoniously ejected the tape. Huey Lewis was replaced by Boz Scaggs and has not been heard on any family trip since. In the early 90’s my Mother crassly asked on one trip “Can’t we listen to something other than The Beatles.” My Mother and Father are now divorced.

I have always said of The Beatles that they were the one thing that my Father and I agreed on, that we disagreed on. I was always more into Sgt. Pepper/ White Album/ Abbey Road Beatles, while he was more into the Love Me Do / I Want to Hold Your Hand Beatles. And while we appreciated the other, we are firmly in our respective camps. We don’t fight over it, we just agree to disagree.

This has all come about because there has been a Beatles blitzkrieg the last few weeks with all the Remastered CDs and Rock Band game coming out. I have been wondering “Why?” Why The Beatles and not like The Dave Clark Five or Herman’s Hermits. I know enough about business to know that you don’t release something unless there is a market for it. So why 40 years after the band has broken up and two members have died, is there still such a market for this band?

I mean sure, you can debate the quality of the music and how it stacks up other bands, til the end of time. Most everyone does. But I think it’s beyond whether the music was "good" or not. I think it's that we are not going to get anymore Beatles albums. They existed for a finite period of time, which will not come again. They haven’t been “Prequelized” or “Rebooted”. And each time a big Beatles event happens, it does not seem like such an OVERT mad dash for cash.

For me, hearing Beatles songs reminds me of being a kid. It reminds me of a time, where I didn’t worry about my job or where the money was going to come from. A time when my problems only seemed huge, but in retrospect in the grand scheme of things were actually very small. It just reminds me of Sunday mornings and breakfast with my Dad.

Jason

Exclusive! An Interview with Kanye West (In My Head)

In light of the drama at the MTV Awards last night, I thought it was time to sit down with Kayne West and try and get to the bottom of the controversy last night. Since I don’t have a chance in hell of REALLY getting that interview, I have decided to imagine what said interview would be like.

Me: Welcome Kayne

Kayne: ‘SUP?

Me: Why are you yelling?

Kayne: I’M NOT YELLING. THIS IS HOW I TALK.

Me: Well when you use all caps, you are yelling.

Kanye: THIS IS HOW I EXPRESS MYSELF. I AM THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME.

Me: Better than DiVinci?

Kayne: HE RAP?

Me: No. He’s an artist. Actually he was an Italian polymath, scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, botanist, musician and writer. Leonardo has often been described as the archetype of the Renaissance man, a man whose unquenchable curiosity was equaled only by his powers of invention. He is widely considered to be one of the greatest painters of all time and perhaps the most diversely talented person ever to have lived.

Kanye: BUT HE DIDN’T RAP. THIS MAKES ME THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME.

Me: Let’s move on. Kayne I think you have a problem with hyperbole.

Kayne: WHAT’S DAT?

Me: Please don’t use slang. This all takes place in my head and when you talk like that, it makes me sound racist.

Kanye: OK.

Me: Thank you. Now, hyperbole is a figure of speech in which statements are exaggerated. It may be used to evoke strong feelings or to create a strong impression, but is rarely meant to be taken literally.

Kanye: NOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF, OR ARE YOU JUST CUTTING AND PASTING IT FROM WIKIPEDIA?

Me: Fair enough. Let’s talk about what happened last night.

Kanye: THAT WAS DOPE.

Me: Kanye, again with the slang.

Kayne: LOOK MAN, I AM YOUR PROJECTION OF MY PUBLIC PERSONA THROUGH THE FILTER OF YOUR HEAD. SO IF HOW I COME ACROSS THROUGH SAID FILTER SEEMS TO BE RACIST, MAYBE IT IS YOU THAT IS THE PROBLEM, NOT ME.

Me: Touché. So back to last night. It was kind of rude what you did to Taylor Swift.

Kanye: LOOK I SAY WHAT I THINK AND I THOUGHT THAT BEYONCÉ’S “SINGLE LADIES” VIDEO WAS THE GREATEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME.

Me: “Single Ladies”? The video with Beyoncé in a skimpy outfit, dancing with two girl, like she has her entire career. THAT is the greatest video of all time?

Kanye: IT’S IN BLACK AND WHITE TOO.

Me: Right… You think that is the greatest video of all time? Better than “Thriller”?

Kanye: OH YEAH. AND I CAN SAY THAT SEEING AS HOW SINCE MICHAEL DIED, I AM THE NEW KING OF POP. I AM THE KING OF POP AND THE GREATEST ARTIST OF ALL TIME. IN FACT FROM NOW ON I AM COMBINING THEM; I AM NOW THE KING OF THE GREATEST ARTISTS OF POP AND ALL OTHER ART OF ALL TIME. YOU KNOW THIS, MAN. I’M YOUR FAVORITE ARTIST.

Me: Actually mine is John Lennon.

Kanye: HE RAP?

Me: Kind of. You hear “Give Peace A Chance”?

Kanye: NO. AND SINCE I AIN’T HEARD OF IT, IT AIN’T SHIT. YOU NOW THAT’S RIGHT.

John Lennon: This guy’s a bloody git. Get him out of here.

Me: Just a minute.

John Lennon: All right. Me, Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson are listening the remastered “Abbey Road” if you need us.

Me: Doesn’t that sound awesome?

John Lennon: Fucking incredible. Its so clear.

Kanye: HEY I AM STILL HERE. SO TELL HUGH GRANT TO COME BACK LATER.

John Lennon: Wanker!

Me: Ok. So last night. My opinion what you did was just plain rude. She was just a kid. This was one of her first big awards and you basically told her she didn’t deserve it.

Kanye: BUT THAT IS WHAT I THINK AND EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT I THINK.

Me: No Kanye, they don’t. There are some thoughts people have in their head that should stay in their heads. Like I have a thought about driving up along side a guy on a bike and pushing him over. But I don’t tell people that. Wait… Crap.

It’s like what Tina Fey said to Alanis Morrissette “Not everything in your journal needs to be a song.” In the same vein, not every thought in your tiny, tiny brain needs to be expressed. And certainly not every hair brained idiotic action needs to be acted upon.

Kanye: TINA FEY? SHE RAP?

Me: No. She is just an award winning writer and actress.

Kanye: SHE AIN’T SHIT.

Me: Right….

Kanye: MAN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ARTISTS. WHEN INSPIRATION STRIKES, YOU HAVE TO ACT ON IT.

Me: Really? Because Pink said she wanted to kick your ass. In fact, they say you were escorted out of the VMAs because it. You know what Kanye, inspiration has struck. Hey Pink, come on in.

Pink: WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!

Kanye: WHY IS SHE YELLING?

Me: Cause she’s inspired Kanye. Inspired to kick the living shit out of you.

Pink: MOTHER FUCKER!!

Kanye: AHHH! STOP! HELP! GET THIS CRAZY BITCH OFF ME!

Pink: SHE IS A LITTLE FUCKING KID, YOU ASSHOLE!

Kayne: AHHH! THIS IS ALL TAKING PLACE IN YOUR HEAD. MAKE HER STOP!

Me: Nope, don’t think so. I always wanted to see what this would be like. It’s better than I thought.

Kanye: AHHHH!!! SHE GOT A KNIFE!

Pink: DON’T RUN FROM ME YOU LITTLE BITCH! I HAVE DADDY ISSUES!!!

Well I hope you enjoyed this little interview as much as I did.

Jason

GHOST RAIDERS SEASON TWO FINALE

Here is the Second Season Finale of Ghost Raiders. Thanks to everyone who has been supporting us. And for those worried that this is the end, don't. There is more to come.

Here it is...

Episode 12, "Finish What Ya Started"
The Season Two Finale. Jack and Liz enlist an old friend to get rid of Hoff's wife's ghost forever. In the meantime, Jack, Gary, Liz and Hoff all make life changing decisions.




Remember all of The Ghost Raiders Episodes can be found at http://www.theghostraiders.com/ or on our YouTube Channel www.youtube.com/TheGhostRaiders