Michael Jackson: Saying "NO!" to Crazy

When I was a kid my sister's friend KK called on a Sunday afternoon. My mother watched as my sister and I were on the phone with KK and we both had this look of utter sadness on our faces. After we got off the phone, my Mother asked what happened:


"Michael Jackson caught on fire."

"Oh..." My Mom replied. "You guys looked like your grandfather died."

Now I will save for another blog, why my Mother's "go-to" in that particular situation was to think a grandparent was dead. But let's be honest, if you were an 8-10 year old kid from 1983 to 1985, it was probably a real toss up between which would be sadder, the death of a Grandparent or Michael Jackson.

So now we fast forward 25 years and.... what the fuck?!

Sorry unless you are European or crazy or Corey Feldman, Michael Jackson is a joke. If I got a phone call today that he set himself on fire, I would just laugh. I would then try to find the video on YouTube.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment, The Michael Jackson Crazy Train went off the rails. Somewhere between: the 2 (count them TWO) lawsuits for child molestation, marrying Lisa Marie Presley, the children he had with his dental hygienist, dangling one of those kids off a balcony, the multiple plastic surgeries, calling the head of his record company the Devil, lying about having Vitiligo, the crappy late 90's music, or videos with Marlon Brando and Chris Tucker.

I would point out the Martin Bashir interview, where Michael just unleashed the crazy. He kind of went from being this rich mysterious pop star, to rich gross pedophile. You can watch the whole thing here. (by the way the bit about how children are "colored" because they come in all different colors, still makes my jaw drop.)

So to make matter worse, now he can't even be a rich gross pedophile. Michael is broke. A friend of mine sent me this link to personal items of Michael Jackson that were going to be auctioned off.

Here are just a few of the choice ones:









Again, what the hell!

How did this happen? How do you go from being one of the wealthiest men in the world, to having to sell your creepy dolls for cash? (Quiet MC Hammer)











Here's is how... No one ever told him "NO."

When you reach a certain point moneywise, you can surround yourself with people who will not say "I don't think that is a very good idea." People that do say that are soon fired and replaced with people who say "That is an awesome idea!"

"Yes Michael, you should totally build an amusement park in your back yard."
"You know Michael, you can never have enough creepy statutes."
"Is that you Michael? I thought you actually WERE Peter Pan."
"Yes Michael, everyone knows that the only treatment for vitiligo is to bleach the rest of your skin."
"You know what would look good there, Michael? The bones of the Elephant man."
"Yup, one more nose job, and your nose will be perfect, Michael."
"You know what that newborn kid loves Michael, being dangled over a balcony."
"Yeah, Michael, I am sure that little boy's mother will forget the whole thing if you give her enough money."

The answer to every one of those should have been NO!

If these people that he trusted cared about him, they would have said NO. But when your livelihood subsists on telling rich crazy people that their crazy ideas are awesome, its hard to say "No." Add to that other people just as rich and just as crazy (Liza and Liz Taylor), and its a recipe for disaster. All "good" things come to an end, especially when the money train runs out and you have to sell this:


That's right, your California Raisins collection!








And I wish I could feel sorry for him. But I enjoy the celebrity train wreck too much. We all do, even those who say they don't care. Tell them how Michael Jackson paid $150,000 to put a voodoo spell on Steven Speilberg for not casting him in "Hook" and their ears perk up.

In the meantime, I wonder if Mike would still sell me this?











I'll pay cash...

Jason

BANNED STUN MASTER COMMERICAL

I Hate Myself: Who wins in Star Wars vs Star Trek

Remember that episode of South Park, where Cartman says he can't hear any part of Styx's Sail Away, because he always has to sing the rest of it. Well that is where I am in the oldest of Dork Arguments... Star Wars Vs. Star Trek.

I hate this debate not because I have a particular side or anything. What I hate about it, is that every once and a while some idiot fanboy will bring it up and then I, like Cartman, have a Pavlovian need to participate. STUPID FAN BOYS!

I get dragged into it every time. Always! Because I am a Star Wars fan and have a passing knowledge of Star Trek, at least enough to hold my own in a debate. So my mind starts working and trying to unravel the question that I may have the answer to. WHY GOD WHY?!

See when Star Wars vs Star Trek debate is brought up, it is important to remember what are we talking about here. Not the pop culture influence. Not the amount of money made on merchandising. Not how much money the movies have made. No, these arguments are made up of imperial data that could be easily Googled and a winner could be declared. No when dorks debate Star Wars vs Star Trek, their area for the debate is: "Who would win in a fight"? IDIOT FAN BOYS!

That's right. If the universes were combined and Captain Kirk challenged Han Solo to a fight at the Creature Cantina or The Enterprise was caught in the Death Star's tractor beam, "Who would win?"

SO... F-ING... STUPID....

... FIGHTING SO HARD....

... BUT VADER HAS A LIGHT SABER AND THE FORCE...

... BUT SPOCK HAS THE VULCAN NERVE PINCH....

ASSHOLE FAN BOYS!!!

FINE! I GIVE IN!

Star Wars wins. Star Wars has the fucking DEATH STAR, OKAY! It blows up planets. PLANETS! And yes I know it can easily be destroyed by a photon torpedo in an exhaust port no bigger than two meters. And yes, I know that Spock, Data and Picard are smart and that The Enterprise's targeting computers are very precise, or that The Borg could reconfigure their shields to repel any sort of energy blast. BUT IT BLOWS UP PLANETS!

IT BLOWS UP PLANETS, END OF STORY!

EARTH, VULCAN, ROMULUS, CARDASIA, ALL GONE! BECAUSE THE DEATH STAR BLOWS UP PLANETS, AND IT IS RUN BY A HALF-HUMAN, HALF-MACHINE PSYCHOPATH, SO EVIL THAT HE CUT HIS OWN KID'S HAND OFF!

There... peace at last...

I hate myself so much now....

Jason

ManCow And RepubLibertairians Have A Tea Party

Hyperbole: [hahy-pur-buh-lee]
1. obvious and intentional exaggeration.
2. An extravagant statement or figure of speech not intended to be taken literally, as “to wait an eternity."

So there are these Tea Parties today. Angry Americans who can not take “IT” any more. They want their country back!

President Bush entered office in 2001 with a $236 billion surplus and left with $415 billion deficit. He spent 651 BILLION in 8 years. And NOW Republicans are upset about all the spending? Where was the outrage on April 15, 2007 or April 15, 2008, or April 15, 2006, April 15, 2004, April 15, 2003? He didn’t blow it all in November of 2008.

ManCow Mueller was WGN this morning. Among the things that tripped off his tongue, he said that we should “get rid of the IRS” and if “you don’t work you don’t eat.” He also said that he was a Libertarian.

Now is this all for real or is this hyperbole? If so I can be just as hyperbolic as the rest of them.

“I’m a Libertarian”

I didn’t know we had so many Libertarians in this country that were not Ron Paul. Remember Ron Paul? He ran from President in 2008, as Libertarian Republican. The Republicans that have now usurped his platform. Time was they considered him a joke and even went so far as to not let him attend the later Republican Presidential Debates.

Now all these Bush Republicans are Libertarians. At least Bill O’Reilly was smart enough to start calling himself one in 2005 or so. He saw the Bush ship sinking fast. But now EVERYONE is a Libertarian. How convenient. No wonder Obama won. All the Republicans became Libertarians. Must be why Ron Paul did so well.

Here is something to bear in mind next time you call a Republican, "a Republican" and he/she says “No I’m a Libertarian”. A Libertarian is a Republican who ashamed to admit he is a Republican.

“You don’t work you don’t eat.”

This is I guess aimed at all the deadbeats out there who just can’t get a job in this bustling economy. The thousands of deadbeats who were fired when the economy started tanking last year. I mean companies have jobs coming out of their ears right, ManCow?

Those “lazy” people should be working now right? So my friend with a poli-sci degree who got laid off from a huge corporation in November, and still has not been able to get a job, in spite of her college degree, years of work experience, and applying for jobs for the last 5 months; she doesn’t have a job because the economy is awful right, ManCow? She is just “lazy.”

Speaking of lazy, my girlfriend works at a Soup Kitchen. Most of the people who eat there are homeless. According to ManCow, she should lock the doors, and only let people who live on the streets, eat there if they have a job. Because if jobs are plentiful for laid off corporate attorneys, they are even more so for a guy who is homeless, right, ManCow?

Last question, when you got fired in 2006 from Q101, did you not eat until you got your next job? I mean you said it yourself, “If you don’t work, you don’t eat.”

“Let’s Take Our Country Back”

This has been a refrain on Fox News from Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Neil Cavuto and the like. ManCow echoed it this morning too. It’s a nice rallying cry, doesn’t hold a lot of water though. It’s a way to get all their viewers and listeners riled up, because the country has “changed so much” in the last 98 days.

Don’t be fooled, these guys are smart. They don’t care about spending. If they did they would have had a MANCOW during Bush’s two terms, like Ron Paul did. No they were too busy saying if you question Bush, then you “hate America”. “You’re either with us or against us.” The Libertarians included.

They were busy being against civil rights, gay rights, abortion rights, and / or environmental protection, unless it involves major corporation making a buck. They believe in Christianity, except for the parts about helping your neighbor. Jesus was big into keeping the Bush Tax cuts permanent, remember?

No they are smart, they know who their base is. Disgruntled white men. Men who had a factory job in a factory town, until the company moved the factory to China. But to listen to them, those disgruntled men can’t blame the company who moved the factory, or the Republican President who let it happen. Has to be those dirty liberals right?

And now those dirty liberals have taken their country away by electing a BLACK GUY! And all he does is spend, and waste money.

Makes me think, when these new RepubLibertairians say “Let’s Take Our County Back” that they have left out four words.

“Let’s Take Our County Back… from the Black Guy”

That is what you really mean right, ManCow?

Or is it all hyperbole?

Hyperbole sounds cool. But in the end it is a lot like Bill Shakespeare wrote, it’s a lot of “sound and fury, signifying, nothing.”

Jason

Sign of Hard Times: Discount Sexy Time

Richard Pryor had a bit as Mudbone where he talked about "Hard Times". He said "It didn't even have a year, its was just HARD TIMES."

In hard economic times, you have to do what you can to make end meet. But American businesses are nothing but resilient. The Bar Louie across the street has half off Mondays. The Starbucks is offering a latter and muffin special. And now the latest business to try and make it work during hard times, Sybaris Pool Suites.

Much like Escorts offer “a girlfriend experience” and Strippers are “Professional Exotic Dancers”, Sybaris Pool Suites is a hotel for “Romantic Getaways”, complete with whirlpools in the rooms and a sex swing. It’s where you can go and get your freak on with that special someone, or that special someone for the night.

But hard times are apparently hitting Sybaris, if my e-mail is to believed. Sybaris is slashing their whirlpool room rates by 40%. A room with a Majestic Swimming Pool was $329 and $239 (Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday Nights). I don’t want to make it sound like this e-mail was begging, but they were discounting everything. It just stopped short of saying “All the rooms with a sex swing must GO!! "

It’s getting worse for the sex industry. In Nevada there is a law going through the legislature regarding charging a $5 per sex act tax, on prostitutes. That is surely to drive down the income of Nevada brothels. “Johns” will now ponder whether it's worth that extra five bucks to get tied up AND spanked, or just spanked.

Hope this tax does not drive them to point that brothels in Germany have gotten to. Due to hard times, their brothels are offering specials to get men back into their bedrooms. One is offering an all you can eat buffet, while another invites you bring along “the wife and kids”. By the way bringing your kids along to visit your local sex worker just makes good sense. My fondest childhood memory is watching my father having his nipples twisted by a gimp. No child should be denied that.

So if there are any doubts left, we are in a Recession people. Everyone is just going to have to make do. I say this, and I have no degree in economics and no idea how the economy works. The only way to get ourselves out of this is not to save, its to spend. And when I say spend, I mean PAY FOR SEX.

That is trickle down economics.

Jason

The Difference Between Boys and Girls (Aside from the Obvious)

(CLICK ON PIC TO READ IT BETTER)

This is what is meant by returning to "Traditional Family Values".



Jason

Does God Exist? Depends On Who Has A Better Presentation

I know better than to engage in a debate about God’s existence. In college, I was bored in Spanish class, so I wrote on a desk the lyrics to the John Lennon song “God”:

“God is a concept by which we measure our pain.”

The next day I had a torrent of people who had written back.

“No idiot, God is a way we measure our faith and morality”

And then responses to the responses...

“And the reason for all the pain in the world."

Well I learned two things from that experience:
1. Do not debate the existence of God.
2. When I am bored it is better to write lyrics from Paul McCartney songs. No one has ever been offended by Sir Paul. Grossed out and embarrassed for him, but not offended.

I had decided to leave debating God’s existence to stoners and TV's Kirk Cameron. And that is where I stayed on the issued until this last weekend. Surfing the internet tubes, I found a link that had “Kirk Cameron Debate with Evolutionists”. OK, cool, this might be fun.

TV's Kirk Cameron has gone a little nutty for God the past 10-15 years with his Left Behind trilogy. (Which to me always begged the question, if your movie is about the Rapture, how can there be a sequel, none the less a trilogy?) He also just did a new movie Fireproof where he had to have his real life wife stand in for his movie wife, because his religious beliefs won’t allow for him to kiss another woman. So this should be good, people arguing with TV's Kirk Cameron about God, let the laughs begin right? WRONG!

It was awful. TV's Kirk Cameron may have thought the Rapture takes 3 movies but ask the dude to explain God’s Existence, and he and this guy Ray Comfort put on a pretty good show. I mean what they said made little sense, but the WAY OF THE MASTER way they said it was so much better.

Then you have the opposing view from the Rational Response Squad. The RSS is a group of atheists who confront what they consider to be irrational claims. Regardless of how you believe, they were just awful. They didn’t dress up, they didn’t look into the camera. Ray and Kirk are there in nice slacks and button down shirts. Brian for RSS, wore a T-shirt and members only jacket. Come on guys, where is the showmanship?

And after doing a little research, co-founders of the RSS, Brian Sapient and Rook Hawkins, those aren’t even their real names! Seriously? So in a debate on God’s existence with TV's Kirk Cameron, these people lost on style points. Ugh.

It got me thinking: Where are the Atheist Kirk Camerons? Where are the celebrities who so DON’T believe in God they border on crazy? There has to be 1 or 2 out there? What is TV's Tracey Gold, Kirk’s Growing Pains co-star, up to? What a nice way to get back at him for driving her to anorexia. What is Urkel from Family Matters doing? That kid has NOTHING going on. He certainly has the time to bitch slap TV's Kirk Cameron in a debate. TV's Dave Coulier from Full House, could use all that pent up anger from having Alanis talking about him in “You Oughta Know.” The list of C-List celebrities goes on and on.

I am not saying God doesn’t exist and I am not saying God does exist. I leave that to Stoners and TV's Kirk Cameron. What I am saying is, if we are gonna have this debate, let’s do it right...

With washed up Sit-Com Actors.

Jason.

John Titor – Time Traveler: A Fake or Poor History Student

I love the idea of Time Travel. As a kid I wanted to write my name on a brick with a note that says “if there is ever time travel to come back and find me.” Why a brick, I am not sure. But as a ten year old, I am sure my science was rock solid. This brings us to John Titor.

According to http://www.johntitor.com/: "In November 2000 a person calling themselves Timetravel_0, and later John Titor, started posting on a public forum that he was a time traveler from the year 2036.

"One of the first things he did was post pictures of his time machine and its operations manual. As the weeks went by, more and more people began questioning him about why he was here, the physics of time travel and his thoughts about our time. He also posted on other forums including the now non-existent Art Bell site. In his posts John Titor entertained, angered, frightened and even belittled those who engaged him in conversation.

"On March 21, 2001, John Titor told us he would be leaving our and returning to 2036. After that, he was never heard from again. Speculation and investigation about who John Titor was and why he was online continues to this day. "

Well now here we are 8 almost nine years later and I thought we would take a look at some of his predictions and see how he did.

1. “There is a civil war in the United States that starts in 2005. That conflict flares up and down for 10 years. In 2015, Russia launches a nuclear strike against the major cities in the United States (which is the "other side" of the civil war from my perspective), China and Europe. The United States counter attacks. The US cities are destroyed along with the AFE (American Federal Empire)...thus we (in the country) won. The European Union and China were also destroyed. Russia is now our largest trading partner and the Capitol of the US was moved to Omaha Nebraska.”

Ok, this one, at least the first part, he got wrong. As far as I remember there was no civil war 4 years ago. At least not that I know of, but then again Mark Felt being revealed as Deep Throat and Prince Charles marrying Camilla were pretty big stories

2. The civil war in the United States will start in 2004. I would describe it as having a Waco type event every month that steadily gets worse. The conflict will consume everyone in the US by 2012 and end in 2015 with a very short WWIII.

Why this one contradicts the first I am not sure. And what is with the Waco reference? Too soon John Titor, too soon.

3. What exactly is "IT"? Since no one will know for sure until probably 2002 according to news reports.
I suppose this question is my own fault. As a time traveler, I am expected to know every winning horse and hot stock as well as the weather in all parts of the world at all times. I was genuinely interested in your opinion of how "IT" was being presented and advertised. Do you feel manipulated? Do you think it's really a big deal? Do you like the way the news is dealing with it?

Here is where my faith in John Titor starts to wane. Does anyone even remember what the "IT" was? It was the Segway. Remember how it changed your life? Me either.

4. Are the Olympics still being played in the future? As a result of the many conflicts, no, there were no official Olympics after 2004. However, it appears they may be revived in 2040.

I seem to remember the 2004 Olympics. It happened when I was not trying to reclaim the compound during the Civil War that was going on at the time or happened a year later.

5. The year 2008 was a general date by which time everyone will realize the world they thought they were living in was over.

This one scares me. Mostly cause it is so vague. Does he mean the big Economic downturn? Does he mean Obama being elected? Does he mean the realization after seeing Love Guru, that Mike Myers is not that funny anymore? Come on Johnny, would one "fact" have killed you?

So yeah, so far John Titor is 0 for 5, or well 0 for 4 if you count that whole CIVIL WAR thing, twice. Now I am not a student of history, but I can remember pretty big events from years back, like the Challenger explosion in 1986, or the Hostages in Iran, 1979-80, Reagan assassination in 1983. Other stuff I am fuzzy on, but I can remember with in a few years.

How about I make some predictions:
1. In 2012 there will be a Presidential Election and either a Republican or Democrat will win.
2. Someone relatively famous will die in the next 12 months.
3. The Best Picture Oscar winner of 2010 will be deemed by many to be over-rated.
4. Bret Michael and his new Rock of Love will not get married and grow old together.
5. Michael Jackson will do something freakish.

Hey I get even one right, and I am a better time traveller than John Titor.

I think it may be safe to say that John Titor, is total BS. Someone who was having a little fun on the internet, because YouTube was not around yet. Either that or John Titor WAS from the future, and was smart enough to know how to build a Time Machine, but not a very good history student.

Jason

I Really Know Nothing About Computers

There is the new virus out, The Conficker worm. It supposedly sets up your computer so that other people can use it to help steal IDs and send out spam and what not. The worst part is that you don’t know you have it. It’s kinda of like HPV.

So I decided to check my computer and see if I had it. Supposedly the only way to tell if you do is if you can not get onto the Microsoft website. So I hop on the comp real quick, and go to Microsoft, and it can’t be found. So I try going to some other Windows sites. Nothing there either. Now I am freaked. I must have the worm. I HAVE CERVICAL CANCER!!

So I go to http://www.confickerworkinggroup.org/ and start downloading programs to find and fix it. I run my Mal-Ware program; I run Windows Update, and Windows Defender. I am pacing. I am sweating. All I think is “I DON'T BACK UP THIS COMPUTER WITH ANY REGULARITY, AND ALL MY STUFF IS GONE!” Why didn’t I make that boy wear a condom!!

All the stuff runs…no virus, no Conficker. I have dodged a bullet. I make a vow to do better. No more strange downloads, no more freeware, I will back up my stuff. I will protect myself. False Alarm. Either way I will make those boys wear condoms from now on.

But the real lesson here is, I know nothing about computers. Not really. I mean I know CRTL+ALT+DEL. I know a trick or two. But I am no where near like those guys on 24, who randomly hit keys on the keyboard, and can get a license plate number on a speeding car in another state. Yet people seem to think I do. I am just at this party to have a good time, not hook up.

Perhaps it is part and parcel of kind of being a dork. That may be why my Mother calls me from another state and thinks I can figure out why her scanner won’t work. Here is what I now about fixing computers, and I got this from a boss I had in college.

1. Restart the computer
2. Unplug it
3. Blow on it
4. Hit the computer with your fist.

After I have exhausted all of those, the computer is a paper weight. I got no clue what is wrong. That boy is kind of cute, but…naw….

An example: I have been shooting a web series. I got all my footage and was convinced I did not have a firewire port in my computer. So convinced I tried everything in the world to work around getting one, including Fed Ex-ing my footage to another state and having it send back. I got so frustrated that finally I decided that I would bite the bullet, take it to Best Buy and have them install what I needed and shell out 150 bucks. And as I was disconnecting the wires in the back… I FOUND THE FIREWIRE PORT. Wow I can hardly taste the alcohol in this.

So bottom line is, don’t ask me to fix your computer. Go ahead, spend the money, ask an expert. Call that I.T. guy in India who says his name is STEVE WILSON. You will be in much better shape, than if you ask me. Because on top of my total lack of knowledge, for all my sweating and pacing and fretting, I will most likely go back to doing all the things that put my computer in danger in the first place. Ugh… I can’t believe I slept with that guy. Did we use a condom?

Jason

An "Abstinence Only" Program That Works

In my pursuing of the Internet tubes, I came across this thing with Bill O’Reilly. He had on Elayne Bennett of the Best Friends Foundation, a youth organization, and she was talking about sex education and how “… the liberal elites are all about . . .(how) They don’t really want to provide choice.” Basically she was cherry picking information about how abstinence programs really do work.

This flies in the face of almost EVERY other study, by EVERY other organization. Including one during the Bush Administration that said “that teenagers who took abstinence-only classes were just as likely to have sex as those who didn't. Not only that, abstinence-only programs are often counterproductive for pregnancy, because kids in abstinence-only programs are less likely to use contraception -- maybe because those programs emphasize only the failure rates of contraception.”

Now here is where me and my liberal friends disagree. I do think that an abstinence only program can work to prevent teen pregnancy. It just needs to be restructured is all. Right now there is far too much emphasis on “not having sex” without the tools required to keep the possibility of sex from happening in the first place. This is where I come in.

In high school, I did not get any one pregnant. Not one person. I never even came close. And it was not because I was saving myself, or I was worried about pregnancy or used a condom. It was for the most timeless of all reasons. I was a dork, and no girl in their right mind would touch me. This makes me uniquely qualified to teach an abstinence only sex education program.

My course would concentrate on the things a teenage boy can do to keep teenage girls from ever wanting to have sex with them. For example one great way to achieve this: “Work Star Wars Trivia into casual conversation.”

EXAMPLE:
GIRL: "Hello"
BOY: "Hi. Did you know that Princess Leia’s cell in Star Wars was 1138, which was the title of George Lucas’s first film THX-1138?"
GIRL: "Good-bye."

I have tons of them. Things that kept me from getting laid, and thus getting someone pregnant, for years!

Some other sure fire ways:

• When a girl talks to a teenage boy, the boy can mumble back like he is retarded.
• The teenage boy can come on WAY too strong. Not sexually, but with how much they love them and can not wait to get married. He should do this on the first date.
• Going a day or two without a shower.
• Be completely oblivious that a girl is showing interest in them.
• Have no aptitude for sports or playing guitar
• When a teenage boy is first beginning to grow facial hair, grow one of those gross thin mustaches. The one where each hair is like a 1/4 inch apart.
• Acne. Lots of Acne.
• And my personal favorite that never fails: Try being their friend. A teenage boy will never get laid if he becomes a girl’s friend. NEVER.

I got a million of them. Each one guaranteed not to let some random teenage boy get some random teenage girl pregnant.

Because the first time is special. High school kids should wait… until college… when they are both drunk.

Jason