The Violent Viewings of Benjamin Button

Hope you didn't think I forgot about you. Its been Christmas. It gets nuts, ya know. I spent 32 hours in a car bookending my trip home for Christmas. Its hard to squeeze out a blog under those circumstances.

So I guess now, I have been doing this long enough to have a "I HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT THIS..." moment, and I just happened to have one during my va-ca to FLA.

Christmas night, my Dad, my sis, my girlfriend and I all went to go see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Its a long flick, pretty good though.

But the real show where we saw it wasn't on the screen, it was in the audience. It was filled with whom you would expect at a 3 hour Brad Pitt modern fable, middle aged yuppies gorged on Turkey and presents. But this particular 7:50 showing also had some local teens, about 20, who apparently came a group. They came in about 3 minutes before the movie started and because of their size had split up between the very front of the theater and the very back.

Now it is my opinion that home video has ruined going to movies. People are so used to talking or using their phone while watching a movie at home, they forget that it is extremely rude to do it in a movie theater. These young turks were no different.

About an hour and a half into the movie, after a series of overheard conversations, and ringing cell phones, a lone yuppie woman said "Would you PLEASE stop talking during the movie?!"

That is when all hell broke loose.

The offended female young turk screamed back "You don't tell me to not talk in the movie! I can talk if I want to!" This was followed by the female young turk, and the lone yuppie woman, screaming at each other for about fifteen minutes. The lights were turned on, the manager came in, the young turks from the front of the theater moved to the back for support, then the cops came in. It ended with a SECOND COP, asking the manager "If he should call this in?" The lone yuppie woman, and the young turks each left the theater, and we were allowed to re-watch the part we had missed. This worked out particularly well for my Dad, since he had been asleep since the trailers before the movie.

So I get home and I see this story "Phila. man shot because family talked during movie". Apparently James Joseph Cialella Jr got so angry at a talking father and son during a movie he was watching, HE SHOT THE FATHER. Oh and the movie he was in when this happened? THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON!

So what is it about this movie that incites violence? I mean its a Brad Pitt movie about a dude that ages backwards, not Boyz In the Hood. People are rude in movies, it sucks. But why is that this particular movie makes people feel the need to act on that usually suppressed need to kill the person talking in the movie?

I don't get it. But I guess the lesson to be learned is, mind your manners in Brad Pitt movies.

You never know who is packing heat.

Hope you enjoyed your annual end-of-the-year-pagan-holiday!

Jason

Tom Cruise is Normal Part 1: Tired of the Tom Cruise Apology Tour

Tom Cruise, is a red blooded, heterosexual normal American man. And I say that because I believe it is true. And I believe it is true because if I did not, Tom Cruise's lawyers would sue me.

So Tom Cruise went on the Today show this week and made up with Matt Lauer. Let me just speak for America when I say "WHEW!". You can ask my girlfriend, many a night I was woken up crying "Why can't Tom and Matt just get along?". At last our long national nightmare is over.

In fact Tom Cruise has been going to lot of places and making up for past behavior. Its been the TOM CRUISE APOLOGY TOUR 2008. He went on Letterman and did a Top Ten List. He told Screen Weekly how he wants to make kids movies. He has promised to stop talking about Scientology to Matt Lauer. He is on the cover of People talking about how important his family is to him. Hell, in his new movie he plays a GOOD NAZI. It just goes on and on.

Now I don't feel either way about Tom Cruise. I mean I like him depending on how good the movie is. I liked Collateral, A Few Good Men, Rainman, a few others. I liked Jerry Maguire til everyone started screaming "SHOW ME THE MONEY!" So I never hated the guy, I just am not a super fan.

But I never found him as a person, that interesting, until a few years ago. You know when he fired his old press agent and went NUTZ! And I think that is what we are missing with this NEW Tom Cruise, that sense of crazy. No more calling Matt Lauer glib, or comparing Dr. Drew to a Nazi, or telling Brooke Shields she can get over her postpartum depression with vitamins. That Tom Cruise is gone. Sort of sad. I think I will miss that Tom Cruise most of all.

So Tom Cruise has a new movie out... he is doing press ... you can predict the answers to his questions before he answers them. Ah Tom Cruise of 2005, we hardly knew ya.

I Want A Celebrity Opiate Addiction So Bad!

Its a hell of a thing to realize you are not the master of your own destiny. Despite what "The Secret" tells you, there are just some things you will not be able to achieve in life. I know now what one of mine is...

Recovering Celebrity Addict on VH-1's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

And it sucks.

I got three things going against me.
1. Not a celebrity
2. Not a drug addict
3. If I was a drug addict, no one would care, cause I am not a celebrity.

Its a vicious cycle.

It really sucks, because I love that show and I really want to be on it. I think Dr. Drew could fix me, once I get my drug problem. And after that he can work on all the other things that are wrong with me, that caused me to have the drug problem, that I don't have yet.

Plus, I'd get to hang out with all those great D-Listers. I could sit and ask Jeff Conaway about Andy Kaufman. (Cause let's face Jeff Conaway is always gonna be there. At this point he has been on drugs more years that he hasn't.) I could quiz Gary Busey if there is any other movies he has been in besides Buddy Holly, Lethal Weapon and Point Break. Get Steven Adler to try and remember when he was in Guns 'N Roses. I could get the low down on Ryan Seacrest from all the American Idol castoffs that end up there. And the rest of them, I think I would just be fascinated by whatever it was that they did to have the show's producers consider them a "celebrity". (Sean Stewart?)

I guess with the loose definition of "celebrity" these days, there is hope for me. Hey, maybe if this blog takes off, I will be able to cross VH-1's low low threshold. So tell your friends about this site. Let's get the word out! I got to get JUST famous enough that I will be able to trade sexual favors for Oxycontin. And then...

ITS OFF TO CELEBRITY REHAB!

I'm coming Dr. Drew!

Clear your calendar for Family Day at Pasadena Recovery Center, Mom.

Jason

Drew Peterson Gets 5th Chance To Kill His Wife

I have very few jaw dropping moments in life, but this one...

"Drew Peterson engaged to woman same age as missing wife Stacy
By Erika Slife / Wednesday, December 17, 2008
CHICAGO — Drew Peterson, who is still married to his missing wife Stacy, is now engaged to a 23-year-old Chicago-area woman, his publicist said today. "

WHAT?!

First of all, Drew Peterson has a publicist? And second what woman in her right mind would marry Drew Peterson? Its like being a 10 year old boy and wanting to sleep at Michael Jackson's house. You know what is gonna happen. Are you crazy?

And I hate to say it, but I blame his new fiance. I mean any sane woman would have backed away when he introduced his children this way.

"These are my two sons, from my ex-wife Kathleen that I killed. And these two little trouble makers are from my ex-wife Stacy, who I also killed."

Another deal breaker:

"I don't believe in divorce, just in killing my wife and making it look like she drowned in an empty bath tub, or saying she left me."

These are just little clues, that perhaps this is not Mr. Right.

Look, you got a thing for bad boys, fine. Pop in Grease 2 and sing along to "Cool Rider." But honestly beyond that, use a little common sense. This guy has been married 4 times, and two of those women are dead. He either has horrible luck or he has ISSUES WITH KILLING WOMEN HE MARRIES!

If this doesn't work out it is totally her fault. When the relationship doesn't turn out to be the fairy tale she expected, she can't say "I had no clue he killed his wives BEFORE we got married" .

Look lady, you want to be famous, get on a reality show, get peed on by R. Kelly, be Lindsey Lohan's personal "DJ.". There are safer ways to raise your Q-Score than by marrying a serial killer. You have your whole life ahead of you, well unless you marry Drew. Then you got like three years tops.

By the way I loved this line in the article "Peterson said Wednesday that media attention tends to sabotage his relationships."

Um.. no... killing your wives, "sabotages" relationships.

Just saying.

Jason
___
Full article Here: http://news.bostonherald.com/news/national/midwest/view.bg?articleid=1139718&chkEm=1

Bush Foils Terrorist Footwear Attack

So I would remiss as a self respecting blogger if I did not post this.



He is awfully spry for a lame duck. You see the way he dodged that first shoe. That was the first thought I had. Next was "Wow, this is gonna be all over TV the next few days". Keith Olberman, Daily Show, Colbert Report, even Fox News although the tone I am sure there will be much more grave. It will probably involve exploding graphics, ominous music and the label "Bush Foils Terrorist Footwear Attack."

They say the first draft of history is written by journalists. Its why its so important that our politicians have good media people. I have said for years the worst sin you can commit is to be bad on television. Ask Dick Nixon about the repercussions of being bad on TV. Well if he wasn't dead.

Few examples:

Howard Dean was the front runner in the 2004 election, the minute he screams on TV it was over for him. He will never live it down. Its still mentioned and is now in the public conscious as who he is. Good bad or indifferent, that is what people remember.



Michael Jackson was dogged by rumors of touching little kids for years. But when was holding hands with that boy on the Martin Bashir special talking about "Why is it so wrong to share your bed." He was done. He didn't say it in some obscure interview, he said it on TV.



Tom Cruise is still trying to salvage his career from jumping on Oprah's couch. Yeah he has a movie coming out, but all people eventually want to talk about is his jumping around. Don't get me wrong Tom Cruise, is a red blooded, heterosexual normal American man. And I say that because I believe it is true. And I believe it is true because if I did not, Tom Cruise's lawyers would sue me.



And now the guy that threw shoes at Bush, whose name we will learn in a few days, will be added to list of people who did something inappropriate on TV, and he will forever be known by that. I probably didn't need to post those again. Most people have seen them ad nausem. But they sort of belabor the point of being bad on television never goes away. It is an uphill battle very few ever over come, and if so it is never forgotten. It will never be, cause it was on TV.

Jason

ABC News: Study Reports Anal Sex on Rise Among Teens

JESUS, just teach Sex Ed. Good Lord!

So this ABC News study states that Anal sex is on the rise because abstinence only programs. They got these poor kids so scared of something that they are going to end up doing anyway, and in the process they are only hurting themselves. Apparently the rationale with these kids is that if you don't have vaginal sex, its not sex therefore you are still a virgin. So we have tons of kids giving each other the various "jobs" or putting in their poopers, thinking that if it not vaginal there is no risk of disease. WRONG.

Some bullet points:

• More than one-third of new HIV infections in the United States occur among people between the ages of 13 and 29 and can be attributed to the mind-set among youth that they are not at risk of contracting the virus.


• Young women, especially those of minority races or ethnicities, are increasingly at risk for HIV infection through heterosexual contact.


• Young adults confirm the reports of a rise in anal sex, including the perception that it is safe.


• Teenagers who take "virginity pledges" were more likely to engage in oral or anal sex than non pledging teens and less likely to use condoms once they became sexually active.

Don't get me wrong, I am not for 14 year olds "doin' it." But that is not the point of sex education. The point of sex education is ED-U-CATION! How to protect your self from diseases! How to keep from getting pregnant! How to have effective birth control other than the screaming rhythm method. It is not to teach them how to have sex, that is what porno and the The Hustler magazines their fathers keep in the garage, is for.

Sorry, but between this and those Purity Balls I saw on TV a few weeks back, all I can conclude is that all these things parents are doing to help their kids, is hurting them. So stop the insanity! And educate these kids!

Here's the article: ABC News: Study Reports Anal Sex on Rise Among Teens Posted using ShareThis

Sorry Mom for using the word "vaginal".

Jason

There Is Nothing Wrong With My Name

Let me run down a list of people who got the crap beat out of them in high school: Joe Flummerfelt, Ryan Erbacker, Donald Pizzullo, Dale Peontek, and Shane Murphy. Now what do the first four have in common? They were cursed with "funny" last names. Not their fault, just their mothers were kind enough to agree to have a child with a man who had that last name. (The last one Shane Murphy as just a douche. He opened his mouth and you just wanted to punch him.) Funny names are hard to overcome, and let's face it children are cruel. At least Ryan, Joe, Donald and Dale's mothers were kind enough to give them normal first names. So it just kills me when a mother gives her kid an awful first name.

I was reading in the paper about how Usher (I call him UR-sher) just had a new kid, and named the poor thing, Naviyd. It got me thinking. You put Naviyd together with Coco, Apple, Moses, Suri, Shiloh, Rocco and Pilot Inspektor and it seems like celebrities are having a contest as to who can give their child the goofiest name. Do you get some sort of tax break in California if you name your kid something bizarre? Or are these celebrities so narcissistic that they are worried no one will care if they just had a kid if they don't name it something dopey? I read an article where Bruce Willis' daughter changed her name from Tallulah to Lula, because she didn't like it. Pretty smart girl, to be able to look at her sisters, Rumer and Scout and go, "This name thing is nuts."

I've got nothing against giving a kid a distinctive name or a family name. Hey, if Jason Lee named his son Pilot Inspektor after his Uncle Pilot Inspektor who was the man who made him into the man he is today, than more power to him. But if he named his kid that cause he was playing Scrabble and those were the letters he pulled out of a bag, well that's just wrong. These kids are stuck with these names forever. One day they will be Grandpa Bronx Mowgili or Grandma Sundae. What the hell is that gonna be like?

That and I find nothing wrong with "regular" names, like Michael, David, Katherine, Timothy, James, John, Sarah, Anne, on down the line. I don't have kids, but any discussion of naming any future children something goofy is always followed with, "We'll give them a normal middle name." That is just in case in 15 years, little Lando doesn't think his first name is as hilarious as his parents did, and can go by William or something. I will say as far as normal names go, I'd never give my kid my name. In fifth grade I was one of 5 "Jasons". To this day, I won't be friends with another "Jason" on general principal.

So to all the future mothers out there considering naming your babies "Blue Ray" or "Diet Coke", don't. Just don't. Do it for your kids sake. Life is hard enough to go through without the extra baggage of being named "Mojito" cause that was what Mom was drinking when you were conceived.

Just give it a try.

"What is your baby's name?"
"Elizabeth."

See was that so hard?

Sorry Mom for teasing about the grand kid thing. Not happenin'

Jason

The Doctor is IN: Screaming Rhythm Method

Just got a message from an old friend of mine that just shocked me. I don't want to name names for those who might know my old friend David Stillwagon, who lives in Panama City Florida at 1945 Beachview Circle, but for the sake of his anonimity we will call him my Painter Friend Donald.

So my Painter Friend Donald or PFD has been married for a while and has a few kids. Since, as he put it, he and his wife were DONE with making babies, but still enjoyed the act of actually trying to make babies, he decided to get his man-tubes tied.

In my horror, I said "My Painter Friend Donald, don't you know about the screaming rhythm method?" His reply, even more shocking, "NO." I guess when you grow up with something in your life you just assume everyone knows about it. Like my whole family calls soda, "Coke" even it is Pepsi. I assumed everyone did that, but come to find out people call Coke, Soda and / or Pop. I still call it Coke even if its Pepsi.

Anyway the screaming rhythm method is a family tradition for birth control passed down for generations in my family. Its like the regular rhythm method but a little different. See during the act of making love, right before the male makes his love explosion, he screams "GET THE HELL OFF ME!" This scares the lady in question into scurrying across the room. The male can then do his business, with no worries about pregnancy. And after a week or so, you can usually talk the woman back into having sex with you. You have to promise not to yell again. You have to lie because yelling is the whole point of the method. But she doesn't have to know that.

Many a night I heard yelled "GET THE HELL OFF ME!" from upstairs by my Father. It works and its the reason there is a ten year age difference between my two sisters. Only reason my younger sister is here is cause one night my Mom called his bluff. It worked until my parents decided on a more permanent birth control method, divorce.

So I hope this is helpful . I just thought I would get this out there before someone else made a needless mistake like my friend David Stillwagon, phone number 904-555-5555... I mean my "Painter Friend Donald".

Sorry Mom for discussing your sex life.

Jason

Things I Have Decided I am Too Old To Care About

I try to be hip. I really do. I fail miserably at it most of the time, but I do try.

If I can't be hip, I at least like to know what it is the "kids" as into these days. I have to say that I have done pretty well. I have a Facebook account, an iPod, a cell phone with a "ring-tone", I know how to text, I can work a DVR, and now I even know how to blog. Kinda.

I have been able to keep up with the hip new music. I have on my iTunes Vampire Weekend, The Killers, Death Cab For Cutie, M.I.A., Feist, Kayne West, tons of "non-old" acts.

I watch shows on MTV, VH1, Comedy Central, and FX. I visit websites like Defamer and Perez Hilton. I know what it going "on", and its exhausting. Really it is.

Yet in all of my trying to keep in the know, some things have escaped me. There are things that are apparently "important" and I have no idea what they are. Its not that I don't KNOW, I just honestly, don't care. Its just too much to care about.

So I thought I would compile a list of these things, just to get them out of the way. I wish them all well, but if they disappeared tomorrow, I could really care less.

1. The Jonas Brothers. Who the hell are these guys? And why am I supposed to care? I can't tell them apart. At least Hanson has the three brothers in different sizes. I knew the little one was the drummer. But these guys, I don't know who is who, what instrument they play if they even play one. And they are every where. Yet I have never heard a song, so I don't even know if their music is something I can just dismiss as being bad or not. Its very frustrating. And they are now officially written off.



2. The Hills / Spencer and Heidi. This one truly puzzles me. I have never seen an episode. But what I gather is they are all rich and used to be on Laguna Beach, which was like a reality version of THE O.C., which I did watch. But then I hear its not a reality show, its fake, but its real. I don't know. All I know is that Heidi, Spencer and LC are every where. On magazines, on Letterman, on Perez Hilton... its endless. And from what I gather they do NOTHING, except... be in magazines, and on their reality show which actually isn't isn't a reality show. So I officially wash my hands of them.

1. High School Musical. So this is like Grease, except everyone is Olivia Newton John's character? And the crux of the plot is that this Zak kid is in love with the girl who plays his girlfriend in real life. But he is torn between being a star athlete and being the lead in the yearly musical. So basically he is a popular kid, with a hot girlfriend, who is torn between being popular and SUPER POPULAR. Wow what a hardship. Brings a tear to my eye. How do kids even relate to this? And why don't the other kids on his sports team, kick his ass for being in a musical? That is what happens in real life. Forget it, I'm done.


2. Adult Swim. I used to watch this. Then I quit doing drugs... on a regular basis. When I watched it had Space Ghost and Aqualab. Those shows were pretty weird. Now they got shows about a meatball and thing of fries that hang out. I guess it makes sense to stoners. But I'm not gonna waste my time on it.



3. Vampires. This one is controversial, cause I have never cared about vampires. Ever. My worst offense in this regard, I do not hold "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" as some sort of genius. Confession: I never watched it. I am sure it was a good show, very well done, well acted and so on. But I don't give a shit about vampires, so I never watched it. I had a guy in a bar one night scream at me about this, and all I could say was "Calm down, its just a TV show." Which only made him scream louder.
   
   So yeah... don't care about Twilight, or True Blood, or the Anne Rice books. The vampire thing, I don't get why people like it. My only clue is an article I read that said people are fascinated by vampires, because they are the only supernatural creatures that can fuck. That makes a certain amount of sense. Cause lets face it sex with zombies or werewolves or Frankenstein, would kind of suck. Guess that leaves vampires. And maybe my perception is too tied to the old Bela Lugosi get up. Either way, they can bone whomever they want, I'm through with vampires.

I am sure there will be many more "these kids today" moments in the years to come. But for now I can officially not waste my time trying to understand these 5 things. And I got to tell you that is quite a relief.

Hey I only said "fuck" once... damn just said it again...

Sorry Mom

Jason

So Why Blog?

Why not?

This is something I have been thinking about for a while. I seem to spend a lot of time on the Internet tubes. In doing so, I find that there certainly seems to be a wealth of narcissistic people with blogs spewing out craziness as if they are authorities on things, when actually they have no idea what they are talking about. So I figure I am just as qualified as them.

So in an age of 700 billion blogs, what does this brand new blog promise? Well Ariana Huffington on the Daily Show this week said that you should blog your passion, but there are plenty of Star Wars and Porn websites. No need to add to them. So its going to be mostly what I am thinking or what I am thinking about. Things that bother me, things that shock me, things that piss me off. As well as the usual links to other websites, and goofy photographs. Because you have to have those, its part of the "terms of acceptance" when you sign up with Blogger.

Bare with me on the grammar. Where as most people consider punctuation as a way to understand what you are writing. I tend to think of as a set of suggestions of what to do with the other keys on the keyboard that are not letters or numbers. Oh and I am probably going to curse... a lot. Shit, I AM gonna fucking curse a lot. No "probably" here.

Sorry Mom.

Jason